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Savage Love 3/3/11

by Dan Savage on March 3, 2011

I’m a 41-year-old, very attractive, happily married woman. My husband and I have been together for 15 years. When we first met, the sex was absolutely incredible. After we got married, the sex was good, not great. This was because we were busy raising our children. (My husband had custody of 4-year-old twins, children from his first marriage, when we married.) The reason I know our sex life suffered while we were busy raising the kids is that after the girls went off to college, things went right back to absolutely incredible.

One night, we were talking about our sexual fantasies, and I confessed that since my mid-30s I’ve fantasized about being with a younger man. He told me that he’d be fine with me living out that fantasy if I would have a MFF threesome with him. I agreed, and we had the MFF threesome with a friend of mine.

Here’s my question: How do I go about finding a gorgeous, college-age man? I thought about posting an ad on Craigslist, but you’ve said that most of the people on Craigslist are flakes and picture collectors. Do you have better suggestions for finding a straight college-age guy for a no-strings-attached encounter? I’m in the Pacific Northwest, if that makes a difference. Also, I’m a complete newbie to this, so I’d appreciate a rundown of all of the usual safety advice when meeting a stranger for sex.

—Mrs. Robinson Seeks Benjamin

P.S. Here is my e-mail address in case any of your gorgeous, male, college-age readers in the Pacific Northwest are interested: [e-mail deleted].

I don’t print the e-mail addresses of readers looking for hookups, MRSB, as I am a professional advice columnist, thankyouverymuch, not a yentapimp for wannabe Mrs. Robinsons. (It also gives my lawyer fits. “What if you print this woman’s e-mail address and this woman meets a nice young man who turns out to be Ted Bundy?” says my lawyer, who is old enough to remember who Ted Bundy was—and Mrs. Robinson—but somehow not too old to lawyer.)

But save for asking me to print your e-mail address in the column, MRSB, I approve of everything you and your husband are doing. Married olds everywhere should follow your example: You got through the lean years with decent-if-uninspired sex, you didn’t become bitter about all that decent-if-uninspired sex, you got back to indecent-and-inspired sex once the kids headed to college (which you were able to do because you didn’t let yourselves get bitter), and—most importantly—instead of freaking out and shooting down each other’s sexual fantasies, you’re helping each other realize those fantasies. Brafuckingvo.

So how do you find the right young man? Trawl the net, like all the other horndogs, and get your husband to help. (You asked your friend to have that three-way, right? Your husband can place a few “hotwife” ads.) Yes, there are fakers and flakes on Craigslist—lots and lots—but there are some real boys to be had; there’s also FetLife.com and Ashley Madison.com and a million other hookup sites. Cast a wide net.

Once you’ve found a potential Benjamin: Make sure you know his real name, meet in public, discuss safety (condoms) and sexual health (tested recently?), and be sure to let him know that someone else—someone heavily armed—knows where you are and who you’re with and when you’re supposed to be back.

Here’s the tricky part: If you don’t get a good feeling when you meet in person—if he seems dodgy, if his pics lied, if he gives off a rape-y/serial-killer-y/lawyer-y-fit-vindicating vibe—don’t go through with it.

P.S. Oh, what the hell: MRSB’s e-mail address is j.e.robinson71@gmail.com. Have at her, Benjamins.

I’m a 24-year-old straight male. For the past six months, I’ve been dating an amazing GGG girl. We have amazing sex. The other night, after a week of no sex, I came on to her in bed on Saturday night. She turned me down and said that she was OK with me masturbating on the other side of the bed so she could sleep. After a very unsatisfying orgasm, I told her I understood her need to sleep, since we had an early engagement the next morning, but that this was difficult for me. She said we’d have great sex the next day, which we did.

Which one of us needs to be GGG in this scenario, should it happen again?

—Fucking Early Engagement Botches Lovely Evening

A week is a long time to go without at your age and at six months and prekids, I realize, but it sounds like the girlfriend more than made it up to you the next day. As for who needs to be GGG in this scenario, should it happen again (and it will) . . .

GGG demands a little something of both of you. GGG requires you to stop whining about having to wait 24 whole hours for awesome sex, FEEBLE, and GGG requires her—if she isn’t completely exhausted (and it appears she wasn’t, as she was still awake when your “very unsatisfying orgasm” was over)—to come through with a loving assist when you’re desperate and she’s not feeling it, i.e., lie with you, talk dirty to you, stick a finger up your butt—whatever—for the 5 or 10 minutes it takes you to drain your sack.

I’m writing to ask you to help me spread the word about an issue close to my heart. I am a 23-year-old woman without medical insurance who relies on Planned Parenthood. They have done so much for me. They have provided me with birth control, annual Pap smears that I can actually afford, and emotional support that helped me get over an abusive relationship and sexual assault.

The U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill last week that would cut all federal funding for Planned Parenthood. This isn’t just an attack on American women. Planned Parenthood educates the entire community about sexual health and sexually transmitted infections. I know I don’t need to preach to you. I plan to write to my senators about this, and I am encouraging everyone I know to do so. What I ask is that you mention this in your column as soon as possible.

—My Body, My Choice

Done and done, MBMC.

We used to have a regular feature at Savage Love called “Straight Rights Watch.” It lapsed when the Democrats took the House in 2006 and political attacks on the sexual freedoms of straight people decreased. But the GOP is back in charge of the House and state houses across the country, and attacks on the sexual freedoms of heterosexuals—attempts to ban abortion, restrict access to birth control, destroy Planned Parenthood (which doesn’t just serve straight people), even make it legal to kill abortion providers (!!!)—are back, and so, sadly, is Straight Rights Watch.

Hello? Heterosexuals? Your legislators need to hear from you, and they need to hear from you now. And there’s an easy way to make your voice heard: Go to istandwithplannedparenthood.org and add your name to an open letter to Congress, then swing over to plannedparenthood.org, click Donate, and give what you can.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MADISON, WISCONSIN: I’ve never been prouder of my connection to Madison than I am right now—and, hey, don’t let those lying bastards at Fox News get you down. To everyone else: Meet the people who are taking a stand at youtube.com/wethepeoplewisconsin.

mail@savagelove.net

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.