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The Job Market

by John Rodat on March 3, 2011

Outside Sales Are you a motivated self-starter? How cute. Now, go “start” yourself! Or are you someone who eats motivated self starters for breakfast, guzzles a carafe of scalding black coffee and then shits motivated self-starters’ lunch money? Then we want to talk! We’re looking for an aggressive, aggressive, AGGRESSIVE sales representative, someone who thrives on rejection and lives on commission. Do pit-trained fighting dogs drop their tails when they see you? Is your favorite Christmas movie Glengarry Glen Ross? Don’t answer, and don’t call. If you’ve questions, you’re not right for us. If you want to know what we’re selling, you’re not right for us. If you’re still reading this and not actively selling RIGHT FUCKING NOW, you’re not right for us. SELL, SELL, SELL!

Female Models Experienced and respectful photographer/videographer looking for classy women between the ages of 18 for upscale, glamorous, tasteful, print and film depictions of the most depraved and inhumane pornographic acts imaginable. Will train.

Subject Matter Experts Do you have a passion for food, babies, small engines, homeopathy, sailing, certain breeds of dogs, travel, televised awards shows, comic books, board games, women’s issues, celebrity gossip, the British royal family, the beauty industry, the environment, relationships, Chad Lowe, circuses, fly fishing, subjects or matter? Are you an expert? Would you like to be? Have you heard of experts? Do you know about the Internet? Do you know about writing? Would you like to write on the Internet? We’ll let you, for free! PEOPLE WILL SEE YOUR NAME! Just think about that! Wow.

Assistant Store Manager Latham Circle Mall Bonsai n’ Chai seeks assistant manager. Shrubbery and/or retail tea experience helpful but not required. Ask for Gary.

Little League Coach Coach needed for baseball team of smug teenage assholes. Must be available immediately for big game against ragtag group of misfits from the wrong side of the tracks who’ve overcome odds and interpersonal differences to, improbably, make the league series. Should be a cake walk. I think they’ve even got a girl on the team. Insanely competitive, verbally abusive preferred.

Retail Sales Latham Circle Mall Bonsai n’ Chai seeks sales staff, all shifts. Ask for Gary.

QETZL 2.2 Sys Architect (Lead) TechNoDyne seeks GERB-certified, QETZL wiz for Middle Tier Lifecycle Logic engineering and interfacing. Involves some Development Validation and Documentation. Also, Validation Documentation and Development. (But not Documentation Development and Validation. None of that.) Should have experience with Solutions.

Team Leader Small band of paranoiac xenophobes seeks charismatic figure to command their wills. Familiarity with apocalyptic literature a plus. Please be willing to relocate and embrace the eschaton. Competitive salary, many perks and healthcare, briefly.

Company Latham Circle Mall Bonsai n’ Chai is a lonely place. Ask for Gary. Please.

Laborer Lift that barge, tote that bale! You get a little drunk an’ you land in jail. I get weary and sick of tryin’, I’m tired of livin’ and scared of dyin’. But ol’ man river, he just keep rollin’ . . .

Individual Are you an idiosyncratic free spirit who can match insight with whimsy? Do you believe that thinking “outside the box” is a goal for squares, and find yourself thinking in brightly colored paramecium shapes rendered in six dimensions? Do you admire the Corinthian dignity of the asparagus? Is your favorite mathematician Lewis Carroll? Who’d win in a Twister match, Keats, Cthulhu, Tina Fey or you? Can you make us laugh? Well, good for you! But we still need a night janitor. Experienced required. Be available weekends. $10/hr. No phone calls. EOE (but, honestly, a little racist).