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The Final Standings

In America, we care about outcomes—and here are the winners and losers of the imminent apocalypse

by Shawn Stone on December 20, 2012



10. Andrew Cuomo

Poor Gov. Cuomo: All the behind-the-scenes maneuvering and public posturing in anticipation of a 2016 presidential run will have gone for naught. And dude has had to put up with Dean Skelos for three years.

9. Donald Trump

There is no hair gel strong enough to defeat the end of the world, Donald. And raging against the dying of the light on Twitter will be pretty lame.

8. Hollywood

Hollywood won’t have time to make an epic film or TV docudrama about the real apocalypse, or, even worse, be able to sue the descendants of the Mayans for infringing the copyrights of their many similar disaster epics.

7. Peter G. Peterson

Pete Peterson, a billionaire who’s been on a decades-long crusade to gut Social Security and Medicare—the greatest Robin Hood-in-reverse scam of our time—is this close to realizing his dream. And President Obama is this close to selling us out. But if there’s no Earth, there are no old people to rob.

6. The Banksters

Let’s name some of them: Jamie Dimon (JP Morgan Chase), Vikram Pandit and Michael Corbat (Citigroup), Ken Lewis (Bank of America). And their ex-banker pals in government, like Timothy Geithner, Lawrence Summers and Bob Rubin. You bastards may have been too big to fail, but you’re not to big to be sucked into the eternal void with the rest of us.

5. Jimmy Kimmel

Kimmel finally gets the chance to displace that dopey Nightline program and take on Leno and Letterman at 11:30 PM for the title of King of Late Night, and what happens? The world gets canceled.

4. Retailers

Losing the last weekend of Christmas shopping has got to hurt.

3. Funeral Directors

The biggest mass funeral in the history of the Earth, and the undertakers won’t make a dime off it.

2. Print Media

There won’t be any time to get out an extra edition, daily newspaper friends. This real-time story will be owned by BuzzFeed and Gawker.

1. Religious Authorities

When the marble crumbles under his gilt throne, one hopes that the Pope will be content with the thought of the awesome clothes he got to wear. And when the pyramids levitate—thanks to the reanimated aliens inside them—one hopes that the Egyptian religious extremists who called for the pyramids’ destruction will, finally, shut the fuck up.



10. Polar Bears

The picturesque polar bears, who’ve done so much for Coca-Cola and zoos around the world, are getting royally screwed by climate change. I’m sure that when momma bear shares a moment with her cub as the Earth crumbles, they’ll have a Coke and a smile.

9. Alt-Weeklies

This is the abbreviated term for an “alternative newsweekly” like the one you’re holding in your hands, or are gazing at (with no paywall) online. Could the Times Union, The Record, or The Daily Gazette give over their front page and a big chunk of editorial real estate to speculatively cover our impending doom? Of course not. But Metroland can.

8. Bill and Melinda Gates

Unlike the legion of money-grubbing billionaire jerks who constantly scheme to take it with them, Melinda and Bill will face the end in the happy knowledge that their millions in charitable giving did some good.

7. Debtors

Is your mortgage underwater? Do you owe a pile of cash to the credit-card companies? Is the IRS knocking at your door? Relax! To quote Walter Becker and Donald Fagen, “If the demon is at your door/In the morning they won’t be there no more.”

6. Department Store Santas

Three fewer days of hearing children demand gifts while they pee on your lap or puke into your beard? The End is a big win for the world’s Santas.

5. Jewish Children

Alas, the end arriving on the 21st means no Christmas morning—and, thus, no gifts—for Christian kids. While allowing that Hannukah isn’t among the most important Jewish holidays, at least the Jewish kids got to enjoy it this year—and get some nice gifts, one hopes.

4. Doomsday Cults

Because, damn it, everyone enjoys being right. And if you’ve sequestered yourself and a host of followers in a secure location, it’s nice to know it was all worth it.

3. Oprah Winfrey

Why? Because Oprah always wins.

2. George Noory

If you don’t know who George Noory is, well, it’s no wonder that this apocalypse business has taken you by surprise. Noory is the host of Coast to Coast AM, a nationally syndicated radio talk show—heard locally on WGY—that explores UFOs, aliens, contrails, ghosts, Hellmouths, Atlantis, the prophecies of Nostradamus and the Mayan calendar. If you’ve spent the last decade watching Fox News or listening to NPR, you blew it. Coast To Coast AM is where the real news was.

1. The Mayans

Sure, they’re dead. So what? As the saying goes, in the long run we’re all dead. It’s who wins that matters, and the Mayans have won the millennium.