am a 29-year-old gay male, and I have a problem. Thereís a
guy at my office who is absolutely gorgeous, but I donít know
if heís gay. I donít have very much contact with him, because
we are in different departments. He does gives off ďgayĒ signals,
though: He wears a pair of hoop earrings and dresses like
an Abercrombie & Fitch model, and his hair is bleached.
(I know that those things alone donít mean he is gay, but
we live in a very conservative area, so Iím hoping that tips
the odds.) Other people have told me they are pretty sure
heís straight, but I havenít heard of or seen any hard evidence
(girlfriend, wedding ring, etc.).
Is there a way for me to determine his orientation without
tipping my hand? Iíve racked my brain for months about this,
and so far the best idea I have is to send him an e-mail,
posing as ďan anonymous coworkerĒ who wonders if he is interested.
U, Mr. Savage, Help Out This Sap?
best way to find out if someone is gay is to ask him, and
I wrote CUMSHOTS back personally and told him just that. CUMSHOTS
responded, claiming he was too chicken to ask the bleach blond
personally, and wanted to know if there was some top-secret
way to find out if the bleach blond was a fag. So I did what
any self-respecting sex columnist would do: Using CUMSHOTSí
e-mail address (he wrote me from work), and the info at the
bottom of his e-mail, I managed to trace down the phone number
of his place of employment (an office in Rochester, Minn.),
and called and asked the receptionist if there was an attractive
guy who worked in the building with bleach-blond hair and
hoop earrings. I was quickly connected. The bleach blond with
the hoop earrings wasnít amused when I told him who I was
and why I was callingóand he also told me he
wasnít gay. But what about the bleach-blond hair? Hoop earrings?
Willingly dressing like an A&F model? ďThere are straight
people with style, you know,Ē the bleach blond sighed, clearly
annoyed with me and, I suspect, not just with me. You might
want to delete your old e-mails, CUMSHOTS, before HR comes
am a female and Iíve known for all my adult life that I am
bisexual. When I enter into a relationship with either sex,
this is the first thing I tell my partner. Most men cannot
handle the idea of ďsharingĒ me, so I leave. My current boyfriend
and I have been together for about four months now, and I
was so thrilled because he said from the get-go that he was
fine with me having a romp with another woman, maybe even
all three of us.
Well, now that Iíve met the woman of my dreams, and a romp
is imminent, my boyfriend is saying that it will be ďcheating,Ē
and if I can play with someone else, so can he. Is two women,
no body fluids exchanged, foreplay-style sex truly cheating?
Even if I discussed it with him from day one?
on the Westside
itís cheating. Youíre involved with a guy, youíre going to
have sex with a girlóif your steady boyfriend feels thatís
cheating, then it counts as cheating. Didnít you warn him
in advance that there would be women? Yes, you did. But that
doesnít mean youíre not cheating. If I warn you in advance
that Iím going to fuck you in the ass that doesnít mean itís
not buttfucking when I get around to fucking you in the ass,
Finally, ďno body fluids exchanged, foreplay-style sexĒ is
still sexóand itís rather self-serving of you to suggest that
it isnít. I pity the poor straight man who suggests to a room
full of lesbians or bisexual women that girl-on-girl sex isnít
really sex because itís only so much foreplay and there are
no body fluids exchanged. It is sex, it counts, and if youíre
doing it with someone other than your boyfriend, itís cheating.
If you donít want your boyfriend sleeping with other people,
then you shouldnít sleep with other people.
asking everyone from my mother to the pharmacist for advice,
Iím turning to you now in confusion and despair. Hereís the
lowdown: Iím 24, Iíve graduated from a prestigious college
and Iíve started a promising career. Iím thin and pretty cute,
if I say so myself. I met a wonderful immigrant last year,
and after teaching him a few English words, Iíve been having
a mad love affair with him ever since. Heís the best sex Iíve
ever had, and come to think of it, the best boyfriend Iíve
ever had minus a few important details. Heís having a hard
time adjusting to the American lifestyle.
Americans work and play hard. Heís used to working when he
feels like it and never went to college (but after meeting
me he now is determined to get a degree in order to be my
equal). I must also mention he had his driverís license taken
away, heís failed English class and now heís failing his current
class. He never takes me out for dinner because he never has
any money, etc. You get the idea. I know lifeís not about
money, but itís becoming increasingly difficult to think of
my future with him since heís struggling so hard with the
American reality. I should mention many overseas people think
of America as a gold mine with hot chicks, fast cars, and
party party party and, well, heís realizing itís not that
way at all. Heís on his second year in the United States and,
quite frankly, he hates our lifestyle. Heís miserable here
and heís bringing me downóbut I love him! And I am certain
heís madly in love with me, too. Still, my mother wants me
to break up with him, and so do all of my friends. I should
also mention he has his green card, so itís not what you may
think. What ever shall I do?
Must Be a Way
the lazy piece of shit.
Your mom and pharmacist and your friends are giving you good
advice: Heís a scumbag and youíre a fool for dating him. You
donít have a future with himónot unless you consider supporting
an excuse-making bullshit artist for the rest of your life
a ďfuture.Ē If he came to this country because he didnít want
to work, well, he immigrated to the wrong goddamned country.
According to a recent United Nations report, Americans work
harder and longer hours than the citizens of any other industrialized
nation. If he doesnít want to workóif he doesnít care for
the American realityóthen, shit, I hate to sound like Pat
Buchanan, but why the fuck doesnít he take his lazy ass back
to wherever it is he came from?
Look, TMBAW, thereís plenty wrong with the American reality
(too many guns, too little healthcare, Ari Fleischer), but
plenty of people who immigrate to the United States manage
to make enough money to take their American girlfriends out
to dinner once in a while, whether or not they speak English.
In other words, thereís something wrong with HIM, not with
the American reality. This guy is a user and a bullshit artist
(the guy who canít swing an English class is going to get
a college degree?), and while the sex may good, thereís no
future in this fling. DUMP HIM.