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I
am a 29-year-old gay male, and I have a problem. There’s a
guy at my office who is absolutely gorgeous, but I don’t know
if he’s gay. I don’t have very much contact with him, because
we are in different departments. He does gives off “gay” signals,
though: He wears a pair of hoop earrings and dresses like
an Abercrombie & Fitch model, and his hair is bleached.
(I know that those things alone don’t mean he is gay, but
we live in a very conservative area, so I’m hoping that tips
the odds.) Other people have told me they are pretty sure
he’s straight, but I haven’t heard of or seen any hard evidence
(girlfriend, wedding ring, etc.).
Is there a way for me to determine his orientation without
tipping my hand? I’ve racked my brain for months about this,
and so far the best idea I have is to send him an e-mail,
posing as “an anonymous coworker” who wonders if he is interested.
—Can
U, Mr. Savage, Help Out This Sap?
The
best way to find out if someone is gay is to ask him, and
I wrote CUMSHOTS back personally and told him just that. CUMSHOTS
responded, claiming he was too chicken to ask the bleach blond
personally, and wanted to know if there was some top-secret
way to find out if the bleach blond was a fag. So I did what
any self-respecting sex columnist would do: Using CUMSHOTS’
e-mail address (he wrote me from work), and the info at the
bottom of his e-mail, I managed to trace down the phone number
of his place of employment (an office in Rochester, Minn.),
and called and asked the receptionist if there was an attractive
guy who worked in the building with bleach-blond hair and
hoop earrings. I was quickly connected. The bleach blond with
the hoop earrings wasn’t amused when I told him who I was
and why I was calling—and he also told me he
wasn’t gay. But what about the bleach-blond hair? Hoop earrings?
Willingly dressing like an A&F model? “There are straight
people with style, you know,” the bleach blond sighed, clearly
annoyed with me and, I suspect, not just with me. You might
want to delete your old e-mails, CUMSHOTS, before HR comes
poking around.
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I
am a female and I’ve known for all my adult life that I am
bisexual. When I enter into a relationship with either sex,
this is the first thing I tell my partner. Most men cannot
handle the idea of “sharing” me, so I leave. My current boyfriend
and I have been together for about four months now, and I
was so thrilled because he said from the get-go that he was
fine with me having a romp with another woman, maybe even
all three of us.
Well, now that I’ve met the woman of my dreams, and a romp
is imminent, my boyfriend is saying that it will be “cheating,”
and if I can play with someone else, so can he. Is two women,
no body fluids exchanged, foreplay-style sex truly cheating?
Even if I discussed it with him from day one?
—50/50
on the Westside
Yes,
it’s cheating. You’re involved with a guy, you’re going to
have sex with a girl—if your steady boyfriend feels that’s
cheating, then it counts as cheating. Didn’t you warn him
in advance that there would be women? Yes, you did. But that
doesn’t mean you’re not cheating. If I warn you in advance
that I’m going to fuck you in the ass that doesn’t mean it’s
not buttfucking when I get around to fucking you in the ass,
does it?
Finally, “no body fluids exchanged, foreplay-style sex” is
still sex—and it’s rather self-serving of you to suggest that
it isn’t. I pity the poor straight man who suggests to a room
full of lesbians or bisexual women that girl-on-girl sex isn’t
really sex because it’s only so much foreplay and there are
no body fluids exchanged. It is sex, it counts, and if you’re
doing it with someone other than your boyfriend, it’s cheating.
If you don’t want your boyfriend sleeping with other people,
then you shouldn’t sleep with other people.
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After
asking everyone from my mother to the pharmacist for advice,
I’m turning to you now in confusion and despair. Here’s the
lowdown: I’m 24, I’ve graduated from a prestigious college
and I’ve started a promising career. I’m thin and pretty cute,
if I say so myself. I met a wonderful immigrant last year,
and after teaching him a few English words, I’ve been having
a mad love affair with him ever since. He’s the best sex I’ve
ever had, and come to think of it, the best boyfriend I’ve
ever had minus a few important details. He’s having a hard
time adjusting to the American lifestyle.
Americans work and play hard. He’s used to working when he
feels like it and never went to college (but after meeting
me he now is determined to get a degree in order to be my
equal). I must also mention he had his driver’s license taken
away, he’s failed English class and now he’s failing his current
class. He never takes me out for dinner because he never has
any money, etc. You get the idea. I know life’s not about
money, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult to think of
my future with him since he’s struggling so hard with the
American reality. I should mention many overseas people think
of America as a gold mine with hot chicks, fast cars, and
party party party and, well, he’s realizing it’s not that
way at all. He’s on his second year in the United States and,
quite frankly, he hates our lifestyle. He’s miserable here
and he’s bringing me down—but I love him! And I am certain
he’s madly in love with me, too. Still, my mother wants me
to break up with him, and so do all of my friends. I should
also mention he has his green card, so it’s not what you may
think. What ever shall I do?
—There
Must Be a Way
Dump
the lazy piece of shit.
Your mom and pharmacist and your friends are giving you good
advice: He’s a scumbag and you’re a fool for dating him. You
don’t have a future with him—not unless you consider supporting
an excuse-making bullshit artist for the rest of your life
a “future.” If he came to this country because he didn’t want
to work, well, he immigrated to the wrong goddamned country.
According to a recent United Nations report, Americans work
harder and longer hours than the citizens of any other industrialized
nation. If he doesn’t want to work—if he doesn’t care for
the American reality—then, shit, I hate to sound like Pat
Buchanan, but why the fuck doesn’t he take his lazy ass back
to wherever it is he came from?
Look, TMBAW, there’s plenty wrong with the American reality
(too many guns, too little healthcare, Ari Fleischer), but
plenty of people who immigrate to the United States manage
to make enough money to take their American girlfriends out
to dinner once in a while, whether or not they speak English.
In other words, there’s something wrong with HIM, not with
the American reality. This guy is a user and a bullshit artist
(the guy who can’t swing an English class is going to get
a college degree?), and while the sex may good, there’s no
future in this fling. DUMP HIM.
mail@savagelove.net
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