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Aaaaargh!
Do you really want to go prancing around Las Vegas with the
kind of loser who could win your impossible plagiarism contest?
I went online to figure out who you plagiarized, thinking
it would only take a day or two to track down the authors
of the responses in your plagiarized column. Twelve hours
later, I gave up. The only person who could win this contest
is some professional research geek! Not cool, Dan! Devise
a new, winnable contest or you’ll be heading to Las Vegas
with someone who’s a TOTAL GEEK! Is that what you want?!
—Cry
Foul
I
said the plagiarism contest was tough, CF, and that’s why
I made the prize package so spectacular. (That prize package
again: Three days in Vegas, at the Bellagio, with the flights,
food, gambling, booze and hookers all on me.) I’m certainly
not going to take someone to Las Vegas based on their ability
to type a few lines into a search engine. Shit, I might as
well have a “tie your own shoes” contest. I would rather go
to Vegas with a research geek than some whiner who wants Las
Vegas handed to him on a platter.
I just want to let you know that there is a Web site that
searches for plagiarized items. It’s called “turnitin.com.”
Schools and universities use it to catch students. Your contest
might be a lot easier than you think.
—Nancy
Read
on, Nancy.
I submitted your plagiarized answers to a plagiarism search
engine (www.turnitin.com) and ran it through some plagiarism-detecting
software (EVE2 available at www.canexus.com/eve) and they
both came up blank. Rest assured that the Internet will be
no help to anybody.
—Teach
Nice
try, Teach.
Where do you get your information? I’m referring to your
reply to Montana Momma’s letter and your comment that, “One
of the main features of homosexuality is promiscuity.” You
are so wrong! My partner and I have been in a monogamous LTR
(Life Time Relationship) for 18 years. My partner and I are
homosexuals and you do not have the right to speak on our
behalf—you are not the spokesperson for our community! Tell
Montana Momma that her son can have a monogamous LTR relationship
with another man!
—Itchy
& Scratchy
Did
you finish reading the column you’re complaining about? Apparently
not, I&S, or you would know that I didn’t write the response
to Montana Momma. Like all the responses in that column, the
advice to Montana Momma was lifted from a book by some other
advice-monger, a fact revealed at the end of the column. The
next time you feel your panties crawling up your cracks, I&S,
finish reading the column before you bang out an angry letter,
OK?
Call me square, but I’m concerned about the people who
wrote you the letters you used for your contest. If they wrote
you a letter, seriously asking for advice, is it a good idea
to use their letter as part of a joke? You said at the end
that the letters were written by your readers. Granted, none
of the letters would normally have been answered in your column,
so the authors didn’t miss anything. I’m just concerned that
they’re gonna be a little pissed off.
—Bad
Move
People
send letters to advice columns because they get advice from
a disinterested third party. And what is advice? According
to the American Heritage Dictionary, advice is “an
opinion about what could or should be done.” The people whose
letters I used in the plagiarism contest got what they had
coming—the opinion of a disinterested third party—they just
didn’t get the opinions of this disinterested third
party. If the people whose letters I used are pissed, well,
they’re free to file a complaint against me with my profession’s
governing body, the Advice Columnists Association of North
America. Complaints should be directed to ACANA’s current
president, Judith “Miss Manners” Martin, c/o missmanners@unitedmedia.com.
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Fitting in with your plagiarism contest and its “catch
me committing a crime” theme, Dear Abby turned in one of her
readers who wrote to her about his attraction to his girlfriend’s
young daughters. What do you think about this? Isn’t there
an assumption of confidentiality between advice columnists
and their correspondents? Would you turn in someone who wrote
to you about doing something illegal?
—Safe
With Dan
If
I called the police every time someone doing something illegal
sent me a letter I would be on the phone with the cops 24
hours a day. More than half my mail is about sodomy of one
sort or another, SWD, and sodomy is illegal in a lot of the
places where my column appears. And, shit, I often read my
mail while I’m doing something illegal.
That said, if I were to get a letter from someone who was
raping kids I would definitely call the cops. The man that
Abigail Van Buren turned in wasn’t raping kids, however, only
fantasizing about raping kids, and while his fantasies were
deeply disturbing, his fantasies weren’t illegal. I’m torn:
In Abby’s shoes, I probably wouldn’t have called the cops.
I don’t think we want people with sexual fantasies involving
children to feel as if they can’t reach out for help without
being exposed or arrested. But if someone with access to my
4-year-old wrote a letter to Dear Abby about fantasies concerning
my son, I would want her to call the cops immediately.
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I refuse to believe that every single fantasy sent in was
as BORING as you say it was. What does that say about your
readers? I, for one, would still be interested in hearing
what people had to say. I’m sure I’m not alone in this sentiment.
People took the time to share their fantasies with you. The
least you could do is print some of them.
—Disappointed
in Savage
Oh,
all right, here’s a sample of the dull, dull, dull sexual
fantasies that my readers sent in:
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I
am Smurfette. Gargamel has kidnapped me from Smurf Village
and he keeps me in that little birdcage. He paces up
and down, describing his plans to destroy Smurf Village
forever. I am horrified, but strangely aroused. He also
is getting distracted from his plans by the thought
of my small blue femininity waiting breathlessly in
the cage. Finally, he opens the cage and runs his finger
up and down my body.
—Strange
But True
Apolo
Ohno receiving a bare-bottom spanking from Kent McCord,
aka Officer Jim Reed from Adam-12.
—Go
for Gold
Six
women in skirts and business suits sit at an oval table
discussing crucial business matters. I crawl around
under the table like a dog, sniffing, licking and tasting
everyone below the waiste.
—Whacking
Off Over Fantasy
I’m
swimming around in the ocean when a herd of octopi pin
me down with their tentacles. A huge Queen octopi starts
gently suctioning on my vagina until I orgasm. I’m scared
at the beginning of the fantasy, but by the end, I succumb
to the erotic power of their undulating appendages.
—Perverted
Member of the Humane Society
Britney
Spears naked, on her knees, pussy shaved, performing
degrading things like rimming me, getting pissed and
ejaculated on, having a black dildo with a tassel shoved
up her ass, and being led outside on a leash so she
can tinkle in the grass.
—Portnoy
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