was surprised you didn’t mention the hilarious article in
USA Today about the latest crusade launched by the
religious jackasses down there in the United States. Apparently
some conservative Christian groups in your country are pressing
big hotel chains to drop pay-per-view porn from their in-room
amenities. The way things are going, you Americans will be
coming up to Canada in droves to watch porn and smoke pot!
In Strong Support Of Fuck Flicks!
feel terrible about missing the USA Today story you
mention, PISSOFF. Sex is my beat, this is an important story,
and it somehow slipped past me. But I can’t really be expected
to catch every article in every newspaper about every crusade
launched by the religious jackasses down here in the United
States. So numerous are our religious jackasses, and so numerous
are their crusades, that to keep track of them I would need
a squad of research assistants who did nothing but clip stories
from American newspapers about our religious jackasses.
While we’re on the subject of America’s religious jackasses,
I would like to share a few thoughts: First, someone needs
to explain to religious jackasses that there are times when
committing a small sin helps someone avoid committing a larger
sin. Pay-per-view porn is a perfect example: Horny married
men out of town on business who opt to beat off in their hotel
rooms watching pay-per-view porn are less likely to crawl
around hotel bars looking for horny married women out of town
on business who might be up for a little adultery.
Second, while we’re on the subject, I’d like to offer an uncharacteristic
(for me) defense of America’s religious jackasses. While the
tireless efforts of our religious jackasses to remove porn
from hotel rooms, ban abortion, and pick on homos are annoying
in the extreme, the actions of America’s religious jackasses
seem positively benign when compared to, say, the actions
of Saudi Arabia’s religious jackasses. At least our jackasses
are only pressuring hotel chains to stop making porn
available to horny businessmen. They’re not, a la Saudi Arabia’s
religious jackasses, crashing airplanes into Marriott and
Hilton hotel towers.
Third, you’re Canadian, PISSOFF, and you’re kinda smug about
it. Yes, you’ve got fewer religious jackasses and you’ve got
porn and pot and you’ll have gay marriage a lot sooner than
we will down here in the United States. But you also have
a lot French Canadians up there. As far as I’m concerned,
French Canadians and religious jackasses are six of one, half
a dozen of another.
Fourth, the Queen of England is visiting Canada right now,
isn’t she? It’s so strange to turn on the TV and hear Elizabeth
II being introduced as the Queen of Canada. Do you Canadians
sometimes forget that the Queen of England is your head of
state or is her picture on your money a constant reminder?
Fifth, some of you out there reading this may be wondering
why I’m rambling on and on and not answering any other letters.
Well, I’m writing this column on an airplane and thanks to
Saudi Arabia’s religious jackasses, flying in the United States
is a pretty nerve wracking business these days. Consequently,
I’m no longer able to fly without swallowing a half a dozen
Xanax before I board the plane. This particular flight I’m
on was delayed after some people who made “inappropriate comments”
were removed by security—but they were only temporarily
removed. The four men who made “inappropriate comments”
were allowed back on the flight (!), at which point I was
forced to swallow six more Xanax and now, well, I’ve pretty
much self-medicated myself right out of my mind. I’m hardly
qualified to flip through SkyMall magazine in my current state,
much less give advice to anyone.
Sixth, can we get back to the Queen of Canada now? Some Canadians
resent the fact that Elizabeth II is their head of state.
Take Sheldon Guerton. A firefighter in Kamloops, British Columbia,
Sheldon just so happens to be sitting next to me on this flight.
(Sheldon and some other guys from Kamloops Fire & Rescue
are off to New York City to represent their department at
a memorial service for fallen firefighters. They’re big and
strong and I trust they’ll save us all if the men who made
inappropriate comments attempt to storm the cockpit.) “We’re
our own nation,” Sheldon said, when I asked him about the
Queen of Canada, “and I don’t think we should have a foreign
head of state. And the people should elect the head of state.”
I think Sheldon is being a bit shortsighted. While a head
of state elected by the people is a nice idea (maybe we’ll
even have one down here in the United States after 2004),
the system does have its drawbacks. For instance, elected
heads of state are able to exploit the trappings and ceremonial
duties of head of state to the benefit of their political
party. And if Canadians don’t want a foreigner to be head
of state, well, there are other options. For instance, why
can’t Canada invite a distant branch of the British royal
family to emigrate to Canada and found a Canadian royal family?
It’s archaic, I realize, but consider this, Canada: Americans
spend hundreds of millions of dollars every year just to go
to London and stare at Buckingham Palace—a building that looks
like a large post office—because the Queen lives there. If
a queen lived right next door, Americans would spend some
of that money in Canada. So if you want your own head of state,
import some royals, find an empty post office in Ottawa somewhere,
start calling it “Maple Leaf Palace,” hire your Queen a marching
band, and start raking in the tourist dough. If French Canadians
complain about being ruled by English-speaking royals, make
marrying a French Bourbon a condition of sitting on the throne
Okay, I think we have time for one more question:
I am a freshman in college and a
virgin. However, that is about to change. I have been going
out with my girlfriend for several months now and we think
we are ready to have sex. I have just have one question: What
do I do with the condom afterwards? Do I throw it in the garbage
in my room? Do I go to the bathroom and flush it down the
toilet, even though this requires putting on a robe and walking
down the hall to the bathroom with a dirty condom in my hand?
Or do I throw it out the window and hope it doesn’t hit someone?
only time in your life when you’re allowed to throw a used
condom out the window, CR, is when you’re in college. And
don’t you worry about hitting a passerby: Anyone walking under
the windows of a dorm knows they’re running the risk of being
hit on the head with a used condom.
Savage’s new book, Skipping Towards Gomorrah (Dutton),
is on sale now. (More info, skippingtowardsgomorrah.com.)
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