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If
one were to make cheese from human breast milk, what commercially
available cheese would be its closest relation in taste and
texture?
—SF
The
overwhelming majority of commercially available cheeses are
made from plain old cows’ milk, which means that cheese production—what
you do with the milk, not its origins—is largely responsible
for taste and texture.
To test this hypothesis, I called a cheese shop in San Francisco
with the cringe-inducing name Say Cheese. According to Joe,
who’s worked at Say Cheese four years, “Taste depends on the
shape of the cheese, and the amount of time it’s aged, what
the cows are fed, what kind of bacteria you introduce into
the milk.” And texture? “The older a cheese is, the harder
it is, the younger a cheese, the creamier.” Why is that? “As
cheese ages, it dries, salts calcify, making for a harder,
denser cheese.”
When I asked Joe to recommend a cheese that would come close
to breast milk, he balked: “I’ve never tasted breast milk.”
Was he bottle fed? “I don’t remember.” When pressed, he offered
that, “maybe it would look like sour cream, or cottage cheese,”
but Joe doesn’t think human breast milk would taste very good.
“Sheeps, goats and cows don’t eat meat, they don’t eat onions
or garlic, they don’t drink coffee. The flavor of human cheese
would depend on what you were feeding your human. Considering
our diets, human breast milk would probably taste pretty awful.”
Does Say Cheese stock human breast milk cheese? “No we don’t.”
Why not? “It’s a disgusting idea, and no one makes it.” But
if it were available, would you? “I don’t think so.”
Looks like the way to find out what human breast milk cheese
might taste like is to roll up our sleeves and make ourselves
some. According to Dale Baumgartner, head cheese-maker at
the Tilamook Creamery in Oregon, “it takes 10 pounds of milk
to make one pound of cheese.” A dairy cow makes more than
that in one day, but the average lactating woman needs almost
four days to produce 10 pounds of milk, and that would be
a problem: “When you’re making cheese, it’s really important
to use fresh milk,” especially if your milk is unpasteurized.
So, you need to find four lactating women, or make just a
little tiny bit of cheese. When I asked Dale about making
cheese from human breast milk, he said, “The department of
health might have something to say about that.” But is it
possible? “You could probably do it, I don’t see why not—provided
you could get your hands on the milk.”
Assuming you can get your hands around some fresh human breast
milk, here’s a simple cheese recipe courtesy of the New England
Cheesemaking Supply Company (www.cheesemaking.com): Take your
milk, put it in a bowl, and add some rennet, an animal derivative
that contains an enzyme called rennin which will cause the
solids in your milk to clump up into curds. Then drain off
the liquid, and serve the solids. Voila! You’re eating breast
milk cheese!
These questions may seem dumb, but here goes:
1. If you are being fucked in the ass, then forced to suck
the dick that fucked you, can you get sick from your own ass?
2. Can you get AIDS from watersports orally and anally?
—TC
There
is no such thing as a dumb question, only disgusting ones.
1. According to Barak Gaster, M.D., ingesting small amounts
of your own feces probably won’t make you sick. “The usual
diseases that are transmitted fecally could be transmitted
in that way, the most common being hepatitis A and some strains
of E. coli. But if you are already colonized, then
it means that you’re probably immune to them. So, even though
it’s a really yucky idea, it is unlikely that being re-inoculated
with these same strains orally would make you ill.”
2. Dr. Barak: “Of all body fluids [in HIV infected people],
urine has among the lowest levels of HIV virus. So, the risk
is much lower than it is for other body fluids, but a risk
still exists.”
I am 57 years old, and I can’t get pussy. I am kinky, bold
and tattooed all over. I am looking for a young kinky female,
bi would be nice, someone that likes strange things. Where
are the young women who might be interested in me?
—AM
Nevada.
There’s an operation to enlarge or enhance almost all our
body parts, but I never heard of ball or scrotal enlargement.
I would love to have a large set to enhance my sexual pleasure
and fill out a pair of speedos. Is there an operation, implants
or injection to increase their size? Please let me know if
there is. Thanks.
—JS
Until a couple of years ago, you could’ve called the good
folks at Dow Corning, ordered yourself a couple of silicone
nuts, hopped a flight to Mexico and paid a no-questions-asked
doc a couple of hundred bucks to implant them for you. A little
poolside R & R in Puerta Vallarta, and then you’re back
stateside with a tan and an impressively packed Speedo. But
when Dow’s breast implants were yanked off the market because
they seemed to be killing people, so were their little brothers,
testicular implants. But even if they were still available,
no one I spoke with had ever actually performed a cosmetic
nut implant: When I asked the secretary at a cosmetic surgeon’s
office if she’d ever heard of a cosmetic testicular implant,
she said, “No. And I’ve worked with surgeons in California,
too.” And if they’re not doing nut implants in California,
they’re just not being done.
So, what are your options? You could inject saline—sterile
saltwater—directly into your scrotum, a process known as “scrotal
infusion.” The results are impressive—you can blow your scrotum
up to the size of a basketball—but short-lived: Your balls
will deflate in a few hours as the saline is absorbed into
your body. Another option might be collagen injections. If
you they can fill Goldie Hawn’s lips with the stuff, why not
your scrotum?
“Collagen
is the most common protein in the human body, or any mammal’s
body,” said Dr. Gerald Bernstein, a dermatologist and dermatologic
cosmetic surgeon in Seattle. “It’s a very hard fibrous material,
used as a volume expander, to fill up spaces that are depressed
or absent. We can fill in wrinkles with it, and make lips
bigger.”
What about having collagen injected into your scrotum? “I
have never heard of anybody doing that. I would not do that,
even if requested to. You’re running the risk of putting pressure
on the testes, [never a good plan] and the collagen is temporary,
it only lasts three to six months. And collagen is expensive,
about $200 a cubic centimeter, and to fill an area that large,
it would take 10 cubic centimeters at least. That’s an awful
lot of money to spend for three months worth of discomfort.”
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