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Last
year I began a sexual relationship with someone from my university.
He was graduating so we just kept it light and had fun. Even
though he’s no longer here, we have kept in contact and get
together whenever he’s in town. Recently he propositioned
me, asking if I would have a threesome with him and one of
his male friends, a man I know and trust. I know they would
never do anything to hurt me and from how they have treated
me in the past they respect me, but they would have a definite
power advantage. I would be putting myself in a very vulnerable
position. However, the option is appealing. I’m very attracted
to both of them, and I’ve always liked the idea of being with
two men at once. They are giving me all the time I need and
are answering all of my questions. We’re going to meet and
talk about this some more before we make any detailed plans
to do this. Is there anything else I should do? Or consider?
What should I look for in this kind of situation?
—Considering
My Options
You
should be looking for exactly what you’re getting from these
two boys, CMO—patience, consideration, respect, and trustworthiness.
Stop thinking so hard, CMO! These boys sound like ideal three-way
partners! They’re not rushing you, they didn’t spring this
on you when you were drunk, and they want to talk things through
before they DP your brains out. Could they possibly be more
sensitive? Could they be more considerate? No and no, kiddo.
If you’re worried about making yourself vulnerable to a pair
of good guys like these two, CMO, you’ll never have a three-way.
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When I was 14, I was forced to perform oral sex on a
stranger at gunpoint. Needless to say, the experience fucked
me up—I had a psychotic break with reality, heard voices,
saw things. But as the years passed—I’m 22 now—I sort of got
over it. I no longer hear things that aren’t there, and I’ve
found a wonderful woman who loves me. We’ve been married for
nearly a year now. But lately, I’ve been having fantasies
about putting my dick in her mouth while she’s asleep. In
my fantasies she wakes up and keeps sucking me off. This really
turns me on. However, the element of nonconsensuality creeps
me out, particularly because of my past. Should my wife and
I act out this fantasy? I know fantasies are healthy and that
you can’t choose what turns you on, but I feel nervous about
this.
—This
Boy Wonders
And
rightly so, TBW. Anyone with your history should think long
and hard before he acts on a sexual fantasy that involves
power play, which is to say, he should think long and hard
before he acts on any sexual fantasies at all, since all sexual
fantasies involve power play. But I’m struck by the ways in
which it differs from your childhood trauma, TBW. You’re not
talking about pointing a gun at your wife’s head. You’re aroused
by the idea of initiating oral sex with her while she’s asleep—and
helpless, yes, and that’s a power trip, of course, but it’s
not necessarily rape.
When it comes to long-term sex partners—particularly live-ins,
husbands, and wives—a certain implied consent can be taken
for granted after a while, and you wouldn’t be the first married
guy who initiated sex with his sleeping wife. Penetrating
someone who’s asleep does push the envelope, I’ll admit, but
so long as you talk this out with the wife in advance, and
obtain her consent to either initiate oral sex sometime when
she’s asleep or when she’s pretending to be asleep . . . well,
I’m not going to make you any promises. It might go well,
or you might get spooked. But it would be a shame if the trauma
you suffered eight years ago deprived you and your wife the
pleasure of exploring your sexual fantasies now.
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I was reading a review of the new book that attempts
to prove that Abraham Lincoln was gay (The Intimate World
of Abraham Lincoln, by C. A. Tripp), and the reviewer quoted
the author as writing about “a sexual practice later named
‘femoral intercourse,’ . . . one of the most frequently used
homosexual techniques.” I’ve never heard of femoral intercourse—what
is it? Is there a sexier name for it?
—Wonderin’
About Lincoln’s Log
To
engage in “femoral intercourse,” you will need one person’s
dick and another person’s thighs. Place dick between thighs,
press thighs together, and hump away until thighs are a sticky
mess. One man that Lincoln shared his bed with—one of the
many, apparently—commented that Lincoln’s thighs “were as
perfect as any human being could be,” which some scholars
take as proof that Lincoln was getting his femoral freak on.
Other scholars insist that Lincoln is way too old, way too
dead, and way too presidential to have been gay. Unless we’re
prepared to exhume Lincoln and test his thighs for trace amounts
of other men’s semen, we may never know the truth. Some other
names for femoral intercourse: college-style, dry humping,
“English method,” and my favorite, “The Weekly Standard.”
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I’m probably the 6,715th person to alert you, but “santorum”
was voted the “most outrageous” word of 2004 by the American
Dialect Society (www.americandialect.org). One of the judges
wrote this on Slate.com: “The Most Outrageous category is
tricky; we never agree whether it’s the word itself that’s
outrageous (typically for having some vulgar element, as in
2003’s winner, cliterati, for ‘prominent feminists’) or the
concept (as with 2002’s neuticles, ‘false testicles for neutered
pets’). This year the strongest contender was santorum, defined
(and heavily promoted) by sex writer Dan Savage—in a campaign
to besmirch the name of right-wing Pennsylvania Sen. Rick
Santorum—as ‘the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that
is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.’ We dismissed one
potential problem—that newspapers wouldn’t print the term
if it won—on the grounds that we shouldn’t censor ourselves.
And indeed, in the afternoon’s voting, santorum did win, but
many newspapers simply skipped this category in their coverage.”
Congratulations on your success!
—Wasting
Time At Work
Thank
you for the sweet note, WTAW, but Christian humility prevents
me from taking credit for coming up with the new definition
of santorum. My column was merely the platform from which
santorum spewed forth. If congratulations are in order, let
us congratulate the Savage Love reader who suggested I honor
Sen. Rick Santorum by attaching a new definition to his name
and the Savage Love reader who actually came up with the now-infamous
“frothy mix” definition when I asked my readers for suggestions.
And, of course, congratulations are in order for Sen. Rick
Santorum. But for Rick’s idiotic anti-sex statements, the
frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the
byproduct of anal sex would remain nameless
to this day. Anyone interested in sending Sen. Santorum a
message of congratulations or thanks can e-mail him via his
website—http://
santorum.senate.gov—but e-mail, on an occasion like this,
seems a little too informal, don’t you agree? So I would like
to encourage my readers to send cards and letters of congratulation
and thanks to Sen. Rick Santorum, 511 Dirksen Senate Office
Building, Washington, D.C. 20510. Rick is thinking of running
for president in 2008 and I think we should all encourage
him to do so, if only to get our hands on collectible “Santorum!”
campaign T-shirts.
mail@savagelove.net
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