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I
have long enjoyed your advice, humor, and politics. But I
never thought I would need your advice, being a well-adjusted
hetero chick. All that changed a few months ago when I got
married.
Before we married, my hubby denied having any sexual fantasies.
I have lots and enjoy some kinks. We talked, though, and he
said that he would try. Now I find out that he does have fantasies
and that he lied to me. He didn’t open up to me about this,
I found porn that he downloaded. His thoughts are about teenage
girls, like the rest of the fucking culture. However, he lied
and I am now feeling like I am not someone he trusts!
It took time for me to adjust to being with a man who had
no fantasies. Now I know that he does have fantasies, but
I feel too bad about our relationship to take advantage of
it! How do I get over being hurt about being lied to? Why
in the hell would he lie when I shared my dirty thoughts with
him? I don’t get it and I don’t know what to do about it.
—Miserable,
Mad, and Married
The
answer to your question, MMM, is right there in your letter.
Why would your husband hide his sexual fantasies from you?
Perhaps because he knew that if he shared his fantasies with
you—his boring, predictable, and perfectly natural heterosexual
male fantasies—he would be tried, convicted, and condemned
along with the rest of the “fucking culture.” And for what?
For the sin of wanting to fuck the kinds of females straight
men everywhere want to fuck.
Fact is, MMM, there’s more than cultural forces at work here.
Yes, the adolescent body, male and female, is the reigning
beauty ideal, and the culture celebrates and sexualizes the
young. But there’s nothing arbitrary about this. The reptile
part of the male brain is wired to find fertility insanely
attractive, and when women are teenagers they’re fertile as
fuck and their offspring are likelier to survive. And it’s
not just men that are subject to the forces of evolution;
the reptile part of the female brain is wired to find tall,
strong, powerful, and successful men attractive. Why? Because
these are the guys who can chase down, kill, and drag mastodons
back to the cave.
Thankfully most modern adult straight males want to be with
adult females and most find mature women attractive. (Many
men maintain that women are less likely to betray the reptile
part of their brains and date men who aren’t successful and
attractive.) Adult men that can form adult relationships with
adult women but also find teenage girls attractive—and
that describes most straight guys, MMM—are wise enough to
(1) refrain from dating teenage girls (they’re often insufferable
and while they have firmer bodies they usually don’t know
what to do with them), and (2) keep it to themselves for fear
of annoying the women in their lives, which is what your husband
was doing.
So now that you get it, MMM, what do you do about it? Get
the fuck over it. It’s perfectly normal for straight guys
to find post-pubescent teenage girls attractive. Since he
wasn’t hiding his heterosexuality from you, I don’t think
your husband can be accused of hiding this “fantasy” from
you.
I started dating my girlfriend three months ago. We
are both virgins and it was established at the beginning that
sex would most likely not happen. She wears a chastity ring
and is pretty religious. Recently, however, she has been telling
me that she wants to have sex. I’m worried because she is
in love with me, but I am not in love with her. She is an
attractive girl, and I like her, but I am not in love. My
second fear is that she will have some kind of mental breakdown.
We have discussed my second fear and she agrees it could happen.
Should I have sex with her?
—Very
Into Rubbing Girls in Nude
I
suppose there’s a first time for everything, and this may
be a first for me: I’m actually ordering someone not to have
sex.
Don’t do it, VIRGIN.
I’m not opposed to religious girls who wear chastity rings
losing their virginities before marriage, kiddo, but I prefer
scenarios where the girl is a secret sexual athlete and the
posturing about virginity is her cover. This is not the case
with your girlfriend. She wants have sex with you, VIRGIN,
because she’s actually in love with you and she thinks you’re
in love with her. That breakdown she’s promised you she’ll
have after she loses her virginity? Once she realizes she’s
lost her virginity to a guy who doesn’t love her, VIRGIN,
and kept that pertinent info from her—you say you discussed
your second fear, the breakdown, but not your first, the fact
that you don’t love her—she’s going to lose her shit. Don’t
put her through that, VIRGIN. Go find a nice, sexually active
girl who wears a chastity ring on her middle finger, okay?
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In a recent column you replied to This Boy Wonders regarding
his fantasy to initiate oral sex with his sleeping wife. I
have to take issue with one part of your response: “When it
comes to long-term sex partners—particularly live-ins, husbands,
and wives—a certain implied consent can be taken for granted
. . . you wouldn’t be the first married guy who initiated
sex with his sleeping wife.”
It’s dangerous to talk about implied consent when it comes
to married couples or long-term sex partners. Even if this
man’s wife would consent 99 percent of the time, if he tries
to have sex and it’s that 1 percent of the time when she wouldn’t
have consented, there is no consent. I agree that his fantasy
would be OK if they talked about it ahead of time, as you
recommended, I just wanted to caution you against advocating
“implied consent.” I work with domestic violence victims (mostly
women) and I’ve heard many times from them of being forced
to have sex because their abusers believed marriage implied
lifelong consent.
—Ana
in Pennsylvania
Being
forced to have sex—being raped by a spouse or a stranger—and
being on the receiving end of an attempt to initiate sex by
a long-term partner are two different things, AIP, and I was
discussing the latter.
To clarify, when I wrote about “implied consent” this is what
I was picturing: As much as I might like to, I would never
approach a strange man, however attractive he might be, and
shove my dick into the crack of his ass without first getting
his explicit verbal consent. That would be sexual assault,
and it would be wrong. But I do that sort of thing to my boyfriend,
gosh, all the time. For the most part, my boyfriend welcomes
my sexual advances, doll that he is, and on those occasions
when he says no, I slink back to my side of the bed and read
the National Review. Did I sexually assault him? No,
I have his implied consent to initiate sex whenever I care
to, just as he has my implied consent to do the same, and
we both reserve the right to say no when we’re not in the
mood.
And it’s that kind of consent—the consent to initiate, even
if initiation takes a form that would be regarded as sexual
assault if it were attempted on anyone else—that is frequently
taken for granted in stable, long-term relationships like
mine and TBW’s.
mail@savagelove.net
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