my wah-wah: I’m 20, gay, and my boyfriend of eight months
is into tying me up. I work out a lot and I have pretty decent
muscles, and something about tying me up makes him extra horny,
which is a turn-on for me too. I’m wondering if I have anything
to be worried about—not necessarily psycho-killer worried,
but, well, is this gonna warp me somehow? Why is it so much
fun? My main problem is that when my boyfriend has me tied
up, I can’t touch him! And what about pictures? He takes lots
of them and I’m wondering if I should put a stop to that.
What if they show up online when I’m running for president?
To Be Tied
the photo issue: If you want to be a bondage-porn mogul like,
say, Van Darkholme (www.vanhotman.com), when you grow up,
or a bondage porn model for, say, www.captured guys.com or
www.boundandgagged.com, those pics will help, not hurt, your
future job prospects. But on the off chance that you do want
to run for president—assuming, for the sake of argument, that
the American Taliban hasn’t finished turning this country
into a morally and fiscally bankrupt theocracy by the time
you’re old enough to run for president—those bondage pics
could hurt your presidential prospects.
Thankfully, FTBT, there are tons of career options in addition
to bondage-porn model and president of the United States.
You could be a lawyer or a banker or a fireman or an advice
columnist when you grow up. In our post–Paris Hilton universe,
a few bondage pics floating around on the web are unlikely
to hurt your future job prospects as an out gay man. Bondage
is the new oral sex—it just isn’t that kinky anymore.
What makes bondage fun? The very “problem” you mention—the
frustration of not being able to touch the other person, the
helplessness, the loss of control. For most bondage freaks—guys
like your boyfriend—there’s a visual aspect to bondage. Looking
at a hot male body wrapped in ropes does it for him. It’s
an intense form of objectification: When he ties you up, he
has complete control over you. He can look at your hot body
just as long as he likes and you can’t cover up or leave or
determine what happens next. For as long as he keeps you tied
up, you’re an object, his possession.
is a word that’s usually tossed around in a negative context;
mostly we hear it when someone is complaining about the objectification
of women. But being treated like an object—when you want
to be to be treated like an object—can be intensely
sexy. Hell, we all long to be objectified. Why do you work
out so much, FTBT? So that people will admire your body, yes?
And you’re not only interested in being admired by people
you know, right? You want to be admired by strangers on the
street, other guys at the gym, people on the bus. To strangers—people
who know nothing of your beautiful mind—you’re only an object.
Enjoy it while it lasts, FTBT, because one day no one is going
to objectify you anymore, whether you’re tied up or walking
around, and you’re going to miss it.
My girlfriend, 22 and Christian, likes to be tied up. She’s
into anime-style Japanese bondage porn and she wants me to
do that incredibly complicated rope bondage. I’ve looked at
some pictures—she has thousands of them that she’s been downloading
and saving on her computer since she was a teenager—but I
can’t make it happen. I’m the first boy she’s ever told about
her fetish and I don’t want to disappoint her. Where does
a nice boy like me go to learn how to truss up a nice girl
like her in the style of Japanese bondage porn?
Be The Ties That Bind
bondage is a great way to create a sensual connection with
your partner,” says Monk, the brains behind www.twistedmonk.com,
which sells high-quality, multi-colored hemp rope to bondage
enthusiasts. “It does, however, take time and practice.”
The first thing Monk wants you and your girlfriend to bear
in mind is that a lot of the bondage in Japanese anime isn’t
practical—not even the bondage shown in actual photos of actual
tied-up people. “Many of the shots are the sort of thing where
they intricately tie a woman up,” says Monk, “hoist her in
the air for the few minutes it takes to snap the photo, and
then immediately bring her down and out of the rope.”
Your first assignment from Monk isn’t a bondage session but
a bondage conversation. “Ask your girlfriend what about being
tied up turns her crank,” says Monk. “Is it the act of being
restrained? The sense of helplessness? Or is she getting high
from the endorphins produced by stressful rope?” Once you
have a better idea what she’s after, “get your hands on some
practical instruction. Midori’s The Seductive Art of Japanese
Bondage is always a great place to start.”
And get some decent rope! “That coil from Home Depot is just
not going to cut it,” says Monk. “It won’t hold knots as well,
it will burn her skin if it’s used incorrectly, and it’s generally
harder to work with than Whitney Houston at an NA meeting.
Hemp rope, on the other hand, when properly treated, holds
knots well and is strong yet soft. Hemp rope is the traditional
rope used in Asian bondage and most rope sluts will agree
that it feels the best against exposed skin.”
Hey, did I mention that Monk sells hemp rope? He does: www.twistedmonk.com.
Finally, Monk suggests you set aside some time for low-stakes
practice sessions. “Try some stuff out when you’re not emotionally
invested in the outcome of the bondage,” said Monk. “Start
small, experiment, have her give you feedback as to how it
feels. . . . Where does it hurt? Is this a good thing or a
bad thing for her? Practice will allow you to feel more confident
doing this in the heat of actual play.”
Dan, you hit the nail on the head in your response to the
man with a crush on his friend’s wife, especially when you
explained why the woman seemed to be sending “I’m into you
too” vibes: “Because you’re her husband’s friend, and she
doesn’t want to embarrass you by telling you that she would
rather eat her own shit than fuck your vibin’ ass.” Well put.
wife, who is very attractive, is very nice to my friends,
even the ones she does not like. But it’s gotten to the point
where she almost has to be rude. Why are so many guys so stupid?
Not all of them come on to her, although some do, but they
tell me, other friends, and her that they wish they had met
her first, they monopolize her time when we’re out, and one
business acquaintance has started sending her love notes behind
We have started to anonymously send your article to them.
Perhaps they will get the hint that she is only being nice
to them because she thinks she has to.
Hot And She’s Married
for sharing, SHASM.
Next week in Savage Love: Shitloads of good advice for 15-year-old