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I
was cruising for sex online and made a date to meet up with
two guys for anonymous play. When we arrived at the one guy’s
apartment, he asked us if we would fuck him bareback. I said
no, but the other guy said he would. The bottom then asked
us if we were both negative, and we both answered yes. Here’s
the problem: The other guy (not the bottom) had the appearance
of someone taking HIV meds. He looked very positive. I asked
the bottom if he was negative. “Definitely,” he said. “I just
got tested.” I told him I would only fuck him with a condom,
but he then asked the other guy to do him bareback and come
in his ass. I again interjected: “I always play safe,” I said.
I was hoping the bottom might give it some more thought, but
he kept on asking the other guy for his load. At that point,
I told them both I couldn’t stay and got dressed. On my way
out, I tossed a condom on the couch and said, “Just in case
you change your mind.”
I knew I had to remove myself from the situation, because
I don’t believe in taking part in unsafe play, but I was reluctant
to be assertive. They were both adults and could make their
own decisions. And yet, I wondered whether I should have been
more forceful. Did I do right, should I have done more, or
should I have just butted out and left them alone without
a word?
—My
Brother’s Keeper?
You
could have done more, MBK, much, much more—and we’ll get to
exactly what in a moment. But first I’d like to address some
of the other issues raised by your letter:
First, that bottom boy—that stupid, stupid faggot—can’t “definitely”
know that he’s negative. He could have been infected too recently
for his last HIV test to come back positive. And judging from
his behavior—inviting multiple strangers over to fuck him
and then begging them to come in his ass—odds are good that
he’s carrying around a number of other sexually transmitted
diseases even if he isn’t HIV- positive.
Second, you say the other top “looked very positive.” I don’t
want to give my readers the impression that HIV-positive guys
all look a certain way. There are already too many gay guys
out there eyeballing guys, deciding they look “clean,” and
then engaging in unprotected sex. Listen up, you stupid, stupid
faggots: Not all positive guys “look” positive. If that were
the case, only batshit-crazy “bugchasers” would ever get infected.
However: Some poz guys on meds suffer from physical
side effects that are instantly recognizable—primarily “facial
wasting,” or lipoatrophy. Guys with facial wasting, i.e.,
deep grooves where their cheekbones used to be, do indeed
“look very positive.”
Third, hooking up with strangers for anonymous sex qualifies
as “taking part in unsafe play,” condoms or no condoms. For
some guys the thrills of anonymous sex are worth the occasional
STD or the small chance of being a victim of violent crime.
But let’s not be naive, my fellow homos. Anonymous sex is
risky sex.
Okay, MBK, let’s get to your specific question: Could you
have done more? Let’s take a quick look at what you did do:
You used a lot of “I” statements—“I told him I would only
fuck him with a condom . . . ” “‘I always play safe,’ I said
. . . ” “I told them both I couldn’t stay . . . ”—then you
tossed a condom on the couch and left.
Ah, “I” statements. Therapists and counselors love ’em because
they come in awfully handy in couples counseling, for instance,
or family therapy. “I” statements are useful whenever people
are discussing explosive subjects with people they hope to
maintain a relationship with. “I” statements are so sensitive!
And so nonjudgmental! But in the situation in which you found
yourself, MBK, “I” statements are so fucking useless.
When total strangers are about to do something dangerous and
self-destructive, MBK, feel free to liberally use “you” statements.
Who cares if you pissed off that stupid, stupid bottom by
saying, “You shouldn’t let guys fuck you in the ass without
using condoms, you stupid motherfucker!” It’s not like you
were going to see him again, right? If that didn’t work, you
could have said, “You would be an idiot to let someone come
in your ass just because he tells you he’s negative.” “You
are going to get HIV doing shit like this.” And there’s always
that ol’ conversation starter, “What the fuck is wrong with
you?”
The above “you” statements are all for the stupid, stupid
bottom, of course. Here’s one you should have used on the
other top: “You look like you’re positive. Are you lying about
your HIV status?”
When I wrote a couple of months ago that positive guys didn’t
have an absolute right to expose other people to HIV, guys—positive
and negative—wrote in to say that it was solely the bottom’s
responsibility to protect himself. We should all assume that
each new sex partner is positive, these apologists wrote,
and if one guy lets another guy fuck him in the ass without
a condom, he has no one but himself to blame if he gets infected.
It’s in the spirit of “assume everyone is positive” that I
believe you had the right—no, the responsibility—to share
your assumption about the other top’s HIV status. After all,
you would have only been assuming the guy is positive, (something
we should all do) and by example encouraging the stupid, stupid
bottom to make the same assumption.
Had you said, “You look like you’re positive,” MBK, your anonymous
play would most likely have degenerated into a shouting match
about HIV meds and their side effects, the morality of barebacking,
and sexual autonomy. And so what? You were already on your
way out the door, right? You were never going to see either
of these guys again, right? So what did you have to lose?
If you had risked being judgmental and assertive and dropped
the wimpy “I” statements in favor of some confrontational
“you” statements, the ensuing shouting match could have been
just the wake-up call the stupid, stupid bottom needed.
Or not. Some gay guys are Web-surfin’, crystal-abusin’, load-takin’,
slow-motion suicides, completely beyond help. Even so, gay
guys who aren’t suicides and/or sociopaths have to open their
mouths and confront stupidity when and where we encounter
it. At the very least, MBK, ethical gay guys have to be every
bit as vocal as the gay sociopaths and their apologists who
masquerade as HIV-prevention educators. By doing so, we can
help to create a healthier community. Conversely, if every
gay guy who’s confronted by stupidity (that bottom boy) and
criminal indifference (the top who was willing to come in
him) makes a bunch of cringing “I” statements as he backs
out of the room, things are going to continue to get worse.
Finally, MBK, your concern that being assertive and judgmental
would somehow deny these guys the right to make their own
decisions is ball-less bullshit. Even if you had confronted
them both and screamed your head off, they could still have
made up their own minds once you left.
Speaking of ethical gay guys: The producers of the International
Mr. Leather Contest (IML), which is being held in Chicago
this weekend, are going after crystal meth dealers. “As Chicago
prepares to welcome the world,” the notice on their Web site
reads, “the producers of International Mr. Leather want to
tell some people to stay home. We have no use for crystal
meth at any of our functions. Dealers: If you show up anyway,
we will not kick you out. We will call the police.” That’s
so judgmental, so intolerant—and so fucking right on. Mad
props, as the kids say, to IML’s producers.
mail@savagelove.net
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