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I
have recently been exploring my bi side and experimenting
with other men. I’ve come to a point of being perfectly comfortable
with my sexuality: I’m attracted to both women and men, but
I’m predominantly attracted to women. I hate the idea of having
to hide this. I’ve read Dossie Easton’s book The Ethical
Slut, and have come to the firm conclusion that I don’t
want to lie about my sexuality.
So wouldn’t it be nice if I could come out as bi? But my problem
is this: Are out bi men gay by default? If I come out as bi
will 99.9 percent of women be skeezed out, leaving me with
only bi or gay men as my sexual partners? That is not
what I want! As I said, I’m predominantly heterosexual! So
do I have to choose between being a closeted bi or de facto
gay? Some choice!
So what do you think? Is there any hope for being male, out,
and bisexual-not-gay? How can I meet women who aren’t bi-phobic?
—Seeking
To Unburden Deception
Want
a woman who isn’t bi-phobic, STUD? Then find a bisexual woman.
I’ve been writing this column for 40-odd years now and in
that time I’ve gotten shitloads of mail from bisexuals. But
I have never received a letter from a bisexual who counted
other bisexuals among his or her potential sex partners. From
the bi guys it’s always, “Boo-hoo, I’m bi and gay men won’t
date me and straight women are scared of me!” From the bi
girls it’s always, “Boo-hoo, I’m bi and lesbians won’t date
me and straight men just want to watch me make out with their
bi-curious girlfriends!” It never seems to occur to bis that
they can avoid all the mean/clueless/insensitive gays, lesbians,
and straights by dating other bis exclusively.
In fairness it’s possible that all the smart, hip, together
bis are already contentedly banging other bis, and since they’re
not having problems, I don’t hear from them. But still, what
kind of statement does it make about the general desirability
of bisexuals when so many bisexuals can’t even conceive of
dating other bisexuals?
Oh, and while we’re on the subject of bisexuality . . .
The splashy results of a study conducted at Northwestern University
in Illinois and the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health
in Toronto made the newspapers last week. Researchers recruited
101 men—38 guys who said they were homos, 33 guys who said
they were bi, and 30 guys who said they were straight—and
showed them porn in attempt to answer that age-old question:
Are bi guys all liars? The guys’ dicks were wired up, they
were shown girl-on-girl porn and boy-on-boy porn, and their
arousal levels were measured.
“Three
quarters of the [bisexual] group had arousal patterns identical
to those of gay men,” the New York Times reported.
“The rest were indistinguishable from heterosexuals.” In English:
75 percent of the bi guys only got aroused watching boys;
the other 25 percent of the bi guys only got aroused watching
girls. None responded equally to images of men and women.
So what does it all mean?
“We
couldn’t find a bisexual arousal pattern,” Gerulf Rieger,
the study’s lead author, told me. “The conclusion that I draw
is that most of the men who identify as bisexual behave like
gay men in their arousal patterns. Does that mean [75 percent
of bisexual guys] are truly gay? I can’t say. But it could
mean they are confused about their sexual orientation.”
That some men who ultimately identify as gay claim to be bisexual
for a time is a well established fact, so it’s entirely possible
that the 75 percent of the bisexuals whose dicks were wired
up in Rieger’s study are on their way to embracing their big,
gay selves. But what, I wonder, is up with the 25 percent
of bisexual guys in the study who responded to the girl-on-girl
porn but not the boy-on-boy porn? There’s no such thing as
a closeted straight guy, so what exactly is up with them?
“They
might be straight,” Rieger speculated, “but go in for sex
with other guys because it’s so much easier for a male to
have quick sex with another male than with a woman. But their
true sexual feelings are still for women.”
Needless to say, Rieger’s study has kicked off a shitstorm.
The study was co-authored by Dr. J. Michael Bailey, a professor
of psychology at Northwestern University and the author of
The Man Who Would Be Queen: The Science of Gender-Bending
and Transsexualism, a book many homos feel is deeply homo-
and trans-phobic. John Aravosis has been kicking the shit
out of Bailey, and the study, on his influential blog, AMERICAblog.org.
Rieger, however, rejects the notion that Bailey hates homos.
“It’s very hard for me to be subjective when I hear that criticism,”
said Rieger. “I’m very fond of Michael Bailey. I’m his grad
student and I’m gay. He is not homophobic.”
Bailey’s myriad issues aside, I don’t think the study can
be dismissed out of hand. At the very least it jibes with,
er, field observations I’ve made of male bisexuals. The sad
fact is that male bisexuality is rare, much more so than female
bisexuality. While there are a lot of guys out there having
bisexual experiences— probably more than ever, God bless them—there’s
a difference between someone’s true sexual orientation and
their sexual capabilities. A lot of guys like STUD—predominantly
straight guys who enjoy messing around with other guys—will
tell you they’re bi. But these nominally bisexual men are
not emotionally available to other men—in other words, these
guys may have sex with other guys, but, like STUD, they only
have relationships with women. Which is why dating bi guys
isn’t something most gay men are willing to do. Even if the
bi guy you’re dating is single, you’re still just his piece
on the side.
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Am I morally bound to be true to a girl I’ve been in a
loving relationship with for three long years if I have a
bisexual curiosity? I want to see what it’s like to be with
a man! She would be devastated, so I can’t tell her. But I
want to do this!
—Gonna
Blow It
You’re
morally bound not to be a total shit, GBI. If you can’t bring
yourself to tell her you want to smoke some pole, at least
have the decency to break up with her. Once you’ve satisfied
your curiosity, you can go running back to your girlfriend—if
she’ll have you back, that is.
I’m in my early 30s and straight, never attracted to men,
never fantasized about having sex with a guy, never been turned
on by looking at a guy—if I had been, I’d tell you. This is
anonymous, why would I lie? But undressing in front of a man
who clearly wants to see me undress turns me on. What gives?
(I also get hard when a woman watches me undress.) I’m in
a committed relationship with a woman but this exhibitionist
streak won’t go away. Any thoughts on where it comes from
and what to do about it?
—Men
Ogle And Notice
Where
it comes from? That’s an easy one— so easy that you already
nailed it. You’re an exhibitionist, MOAN. You get off on being
seen, being desired, and, in the case of gay men, inspiring
desires you have no intention of indulging—which makes you
a bit of a prick tease, too. What to do about it? Enjoy it,
of course.
mail@savagelove.net
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