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I
have a question I don’t think you’ve ever addressed in your
column. I’m a 32-year-old heterosexual female who was stricken
with near-terminal cancer eight years ago. I’ve gone through
every sort of treatment known to mankind (and had the gross
misfortune of going through menopause at 27 years old). I
was sort of a late bloomer when the disease took hold, and
I had only had sex with one man, when I was 23 years old.
That relationship lasted about six months.
For a long time, I suspected that I would not live, and therefore
I didn’t think too much about having a sex life. But about
two years ago, I finished a final round of treatment, and
now I’m cancer-free. I’ve reestablished myself professionally,
and for the first time I feel like I may have a future. My
problem is that I have no confidence in sex. It’s been nine
years since I’ve had sex—and I don’t have an advanced skill
set that one might expect of a 32-year-old woman. But I also
know that a successful sex life is something I want and need
and deserve, and I’m not willing to go without it much longer.
I took it upon myself to have some cosmetic surgery to restore
my looks (I had some bloating that stretched my skin, and
some really bad scars), and men are starting to notice me.
I would very much like to have a sex life—and I very much
want to rock the world of the next person I’m with. Do you
have any suggestions as to where I might find a heterosexual
man who would be willing to “educate” me? Would it be foolish
to explain my predicament to people seeking casual sex on
various Web sites? I am at this time more comfortable without
the nervousness of an emotional entanglement—so please don’t
tell me to just find a nice guy.
—Former
Sicko Seeking Sex
Sorry,
FSSS, but I’m going to have to tell you to find a nice guy—but
one who, like you, isn’t looking for an emotional entanglement.
You don’t say so explicitly, FSSS, but the implication is
loud and clear: You believe there are two kinds of guys out
there. There are nice ones, those men seeking sex coupled
with an emotional entanglement, and there are not-so-nice
ones, those men seeking sex free from an emotional entanglement.
This assumption is commonly made, FSSS, and it makes me lose
my patience. Everyone seems to agree that people seeking emotionally
entangled sex are kind and considerate and moral, while people
seeking NSA—that’s “no strings attached”—are cruel and selfish
and immoral. But it ain’t necessarily so.
Being in a long-term relationship with someone—whether you’re
just going steady, planning to marry, or already married—is
no guarantee that you’re going to wind up with someone “nice.”
Newspapers, divorce courts, and criminal trials are crammed
with examples of people who found themselves emotionally entangled
with cruel, selfish, and even homicidal lovers and/or spouses.
Conversely, FSSS, bedrooms, backseats, and dungeons across
this great land of ours are crammed with kind, considerate,
and deeply moral people enjoying NSA/entanglement-free sex.
Casual sex doesn’t have to be cold, ugly, or diminishing anymore
than marital sex is guaranteed to be warm, beautiful, and
uplifting. That there are kind, considerate people out there
searching for NSA sex should be apparent to you, FSSS—I mean,
aren’t you one of them?
With a little effort you can find yourself a nice guy who
wants to have sex free from emotional entanglements. Advertise
on those Web sites or, better yet, in this paper’s personals.
Be honest about your needs, what you’re asking for (tutelage),
and what you’re offering (your ass). Women seeking NSA sex
are few and far between, FSSS, which means you’ll be in such
great demand that you can write your own ticket. Ask to meet
first—not one of those emotional-entanglement-making dates,
just a meeting, in a public place, to see if you’re into him,
he’s into you, etc. Let the guys know what you’re looking
for—and why. Share your story, FSSS, and the guys who stick
around will be the ones who have the emotional depth and the
kindness of heart to give you the entanglement-free sexual
adventure/education you’re looking for. Then, once you’ve
screened the candidates, pick the one you want to keep—just
like Jerry Hall on VH1’s Kept. (Pick Austin, Jerry!
Pick Austin!) Then bang the nice guy’s brains out.
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I am a straight male 22-year-old who has always had an
interest in a girl’s bare feet. Nothing crazy, it’s mostly
just rubbing my girlfriend’s feet. But I tend to do it to
the point where she asks (and she always asks), “Do you have
a foot fetish or something?” My question: Is this a kink found
only in men, or are there women out there who get off on touching
the feet of the opposite sex?
—Curious
In Cali
The
correct response to “Do you have a foot fetish or something?”
is “Yes, I do.” As fetishes go, a thing for women’s feet is
a thoroughly charming throwback to more innocent times—heck,
it’s positively Clintonian. Be upbeat and be upfront. Instead
of waiting to be asked, CIC, tell your girlfriends right away.
Smile and say, “I have a foot fetish, honey—always have, always
will. My girlfriends are lucky—they get all the foot massages
they want.”
And to answer your question: No, there aren’t a lot of women
out there who have foot fetishes. It’s a guy thing.
In response to Lustful Little Brother, you said, “No one
I know who’s had a three-way with a sibling looks back on
the incident with fondness. No brotherly tag-teaming, ’kay?”
I just had to respond. In high school I dated a guy while
I was “secretly” sleeping with his twin brother. One night
while brother No. 1 and I were having sex in his room, brother
No. 2 came in and joined us. I guess they didn’t keep secrets!
The three of us had about eight months of blissful two- and
three-ways before I went off to college. That was 18 years
ago, and I haven’t talked to them in about 15 years, but the
last time we saw each other, it didn’t seem to me that they
had any regrets.
—Been
There, Done Them
There
isn’t room in this space for me to rehearse every possible
exception to every generally accepted rule of liberated sexual
conduct, BTDT. Tag-teaming brothers are always and everywhere
a bad idea—except when we’re talking attractive male twins,
of course. On top of sharing their DNA, many twins share an
intense emotional and physical connection. Some twins find
they can share everything—even a high school tramp—without
experiencing an emotional meltdown or a sexual identity crisis.
More power to them, BTDT, but they’re an exception, even among
twins.
A note of thanks: My friends used to read your column in
high school to laugh at weirdoes. But when two boys at our
school came out, we knew a lot about being gay from reading
you, so no one freaked. Three years later I caught my first
serious boyfriend at college wearing my panties. Instead of
freaking, I decided to be “GGG.” If it weren’t for you, Dan,
we wouldn’t still be together. So, like, thanks.
—Loves
A Pantie Dude
P.S.
Enjoy the pic of my boyfriend in his panties! He likes to
be spanked, too!
You’re so, like, welcome, LAPD. Thanks for sharing.
mail@savagelove.net
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