Everybody: I’m on vacation—my first in years—so I’ll be running
some much-loved, frequently requested classic Savage Loves
for the next few weeks.
A couple of months ago you invited women to send in cunnilingus
tips for straight guys. We’re still waiting for that column,
Dan. What gives? Didn’t any women send in tips?
Guy Anxious For Pointers
women sent in cunnilingus tips, SGAFP. I got 500 letters from
straight women with advice for men on the whole pussy-eating
subject. Why haven’t these letters appeared in a column? Well,
I have a bias: I’m gay. Given a choice between reading hundreds
of e-mails about eating pussy or, say, talking to good-looking
male porn stars about their online underwear sales, well,
I’m going go with the porn stars every time. While I’m aware
that reading about cunnilingus is one of my occupational hazards,
that awareness doesn’t make me any less reluctant to do so.
Don’t get me wrong, ladies. I am all for cunnilingus. Women
deserve it, and straight men, in my opinion, are obligated
to provide it. But
. . . still. I’m about as pro-cunnilingus as gay men ever
get. Even so, spending a week reading hundreds of detailed
letters about cunnilingus, picking out the best ones, and
editing them into a column is something I can put off indefinitely.
I guess you could say I’m pro-cunnilingus in the abstract.
I’m pro-eating pussy the same way I’m, say, pro-round-the-clock
home nursing for incontinent paraplegics. I’m glad it happens,
I just don’t want to do it. Or watch it. Or think about it.
Or spend a week reading about it. But
. . . I promised you a cunnilingus column, SGAFP, and a cunnilingus
column you shall have.
But what about my gay male readers? Columns about cunnilingus
have something to offer straight men, straight women, and
lesbians, but nothing to offer gay men. So to give
my gay readers a reason to slog through this column, I’ve
included an item of particular interest to gay men at the
Okay, here are your cunnilingus tips, boys…
Whatever you do, do not use your teeth! Take them
out if you have to. Also, try to keep the saliva down to a
advice, BT. No teeth, boys, and very little saliva.
SALIVA, SALIVA, SALIVA: I can’t over-emphasize the importance
of plenty of lubrication.
wait—use saliva, boys, and lots of it. But no teeth.
The word cunnilingus derives from two Latin words:
cunnus (female genitals) and lingere (to lick).
But the action should include not only the tongue, but also
the teeth. Tongue: soft, yet firm. Teeth: Nibble around down
wait—use your teeth to nibble, boys.
I don’t think it’s necessary for a guy to spend much time
on any area other than the clitoris.
on the clit, boys.
A clit is not a doorbell. Please do not punch it repeatedly
with your tongue. And explore the rest of my pussy. It has
just as many sensitive nerve endings as my clit.
Of The Day
wait—explore the whole pussy, boys.
When I was a closeted gay college student, I turned to
my straight friends for guidance on “doing the deed,” and
one bit of advice actually worked: Lick the alphabet! Start
with lower case and work through the caps. One word of caution:
she can’t know what you’re doing! It is disastrous
to let her hear you humming the alphabet song. This could
imply that you are not sufficiently stimulated by her parts,
as was the case with me.
the alphabet, boys, but don’t let her know you’re licking
I dated a guy who used the alphabet song to guide him along.
Basically, he hummed the “A, B, C, D, E, F, G . . . H, I,
J, K, LMNOP . . . ” song while drawing the letters with his
tongue on my clit. He did it at same pace of the song (long
G, quick LMNOP, etc.), and by the time he got to Z, I was
shaking. Now every time I hear the alphabet song I get wet!
wait—tell her you’re licking the alphabet, and she’ll get
wet when she hears the alphabet song.
Guys, don’t slide your tongues in and out of our vaginas.
All that feels like is a small, thin, limp dick. Most women
don’t like small, limp dicks so why simulate one with your
stick your tongues in, boys.
A French guy once stuck his tongue in and swirled it around,
pushing it really hard against the walls of my vagina. It
was amazing. The first time I said, where’d you learn to do
that? He said, “You have never had eet?” “Not like that,”
I said. The American guys I’ve slept with tend to lap politely.
I guess this must be one of those things the French come up
with in their six weeks of annual paid vacation. It doesn’t
seem fair, does it?
wait—girls like eet when you stick your tongues in their vaginal
So many guys are obsessed with penetration that they can’t
eat pussy without sticking their fingers in. Fellas, please,
just lick me—it’s a nice change.
It Don’t Stick It
fingers, boys, just tongue.
Men need to know that the G-spot is located behind the
ridge of the pubis bone, up and inside her vagina. Take your
hand palm up, insert middle and pointer fingers, and curl
your fingers toward you like you’re saying come here. Do this
while you lick, and she’ll come right then and there.
Bay Hard Core
wait—use your fingers and tongue, boys.
Okay, let’s review what we’ve learned about cunnilingus: Use
little saliva; use lots of saliva; use your teeth; don’t use
your teeth; focus on the clit; explore the whole pussy; lick
the alphabet but don’t tell her; lick the alphabet and tell
her; don’t stick your tongue in; stick your tongue in; don’t
stick your fingers in; stick your fingers in.
I hope this was helpful.
Of course, if it wasn’t—if this column left you more
confused about going down on a woman—you might try asking
the woman to tell you exactly what she likes. I know that,
personally, two things kept coming up while I was reading
my 500 e-mails about cunnilingus: my lunch, and the sneaking
suspicion that not all women enjoy the same things when it
comes to oral sex. So, boys, you’ll have to ask ’em how they
And, finally, here’s an item of interest to gay men—well,
actually, not. When this column first ran, I closed with a
personal ad from a gay reader in New York City who had a crush
on a hot bartender. That gay reader with the crush? He’s a
pop star now. That bartender? Dunno what ever happened to
him. But as I’m Catholic, and therefore feeling mighty guilty
about taking a week off, I went ahead and pulled together
some of the letters I got in response to a recent column on
bisexuality. Does male bisexuality actually exist? Was this
Northwestern University study fucked? What is my problem,
anyway? Read all about it by going to http://link.thestranger.com/1152.