have been seeing this great guy for about two years now. A
few months back I stumbled upon some she-male photos on our
computer. When I confronted him, he said that it was in response
to a “nightmare” he had from watching HBO late at night or
something. I asked him to be honest with himself and me. I
told him I could be GGG or that we could just be friends if
he didn’t want to be with a natural woman anymore. He said
he wanted to be with me.
Today as I browsed for errant cookies clogging my computer,
I found more she-male pics. Is my boyfriend gay? Is there
anything I can do to help satisfy him sexually? What can I
do emotionally? Is it better to try to maintain the relationship
or encourage him to explore his desires? Who can I refer him
to? How can I help him?
It Isn’t Really Love
get to your problem in a moment, GIIRL, but first I feel compelled
to apologize to my readers for going on vacation just as all
hell was breaking loose. I fly off to Europe and a high-ranking
staffer in Senator Rick “Frothy Mix” Santorum’s office, Robert
Traynham, gets outed; Jude Law gets caught fucking his—let’s
be frank—distressingly homely nanny (You can do, and have
done, better Jude!); and most, most infamously, a man dies
in Washington State after having sex with a horse.
The first reports about the death-by-horse didn’t include
the exact cause of death and, like many people, I assumed
the man had been fatally kicked in the head when he attempted
to mount the killer horse. This was not the case. The man
died, a horrified world soon learned, of a perforated colon.
A perforated colon could mean only one thing: The horse was
the active partner and the dead man, a 45-year-old resident
of Seattle, had literally been fucked to death.
After the news broke, hundreds of distressed Savage Love readers
wrote in to ask me why anyone would want to be fucked by a
horse, how that would work exactly, and how a perforated colon
kills you. (A perforated colon leaks like Karl Rove on a bender,
you see, which in this case led to a fatal case of acute peritonitis.)
A few people wrote in to ask if the farm was still open for
business. I was away when you needed me most, dear readers,
drinking my way through Glasgow and Copenhagen when I should
have been here, at Ann Landers’s desk, comforting and consoling
you. And by the time I returned to work this week every angle
of this story—the ethics, etiquette, and mechanics of getting
fucked by a horse—had already been covered by Miss Manners,
Garrison Keillor, and Bob Novak, so there’s really nothing
left for me to add.
Except this: The dead man videotaped the fatal encounter,
a tape the police seized, reviewed, and, apparently, leaked,
as the videotape is now on the Web. Of all the troubling aspects
of this incident, it’s the existence of this videotape that
has me scratching my head. One would think that getting fucked
in the ass by a horse would be an experience so memorable
that you wouldn’t need a videotape to recall it. (“Hey, remember
that time you got fucked by a horse?” “No, I can’t say that
I do. Hand me that box of Depends, would you?”) But the man
made a video and now it’s out there for all to see, which
is a tragedy for the dead man, his family, and the killer
horse. (Don’t write in and ask me for the link—unlike Bob
Novak, there are some things I won’t put in my column.)
Okay, GIIRL, on to your issues . . .
So what’s up with the she-male thing? It’s like this: Straight
boys love tits. Straight boys also love cock. In most cases
straight boys are enamored of their own cocks exclusively,
and there’s nothin’ queer about that. But for a tiny minority
of straight guys, their love of cock extends to other cocks.
This “thing” is most commonly expressed by a taste for “straight”
porn that prominently displays cock. Most straight guys who
enjoy cock in their porn identify with the other men’s cocks,
enjoying the thrill of living vicariously through them. But
a thin slice of these straight guys actually lust after cock—but
just the dicks, GIIRL, not the dudes. An even thinner slice
of this already thin slice of the straight-guy pie actively
long for dick—a dick other than their own—but they’re straight,
you see, and they don’t want to mess around with an actual
dude, just a cock. And that’s where she-males come in—excuse
me, cash in. They’ve got dicks and their dicks aren’t attached
to dudes. Their dicks are attached to babes, and cock-hungry
straight boys will pay them good money for the pleasure of
So is your boyfriend gay? No, he’s not. I don’t know any gay
men who lust after she-males; that obsession is an exclusively
His she-male obsession technically disqualifies him from the
100-percent-straight category, but it doesn’t necessarily
make him bi or gay—just a touch queer. If you’re not down
with that, well, then DTMFA.
I have a “bend-over boyfriend” who I love very much
and we’ve been dating for almost a year. I am his first “strap-on
girlfriend.” For a while the sex was hot and explosive. Then
a few months ago we cooled off something fierce. The BF was
under a lot of stress and he told me that sex was just the
last thing on his mind. He seemed sincere and he made an effort
after that, but that wasn’t what bothered me.
I came across a business card for a gay men’s bathhouse in
his place. That shook me up. He claimed he didn’t know where
the card came from, or even what a bathhouse was. He said
he understood my fear and that night he curled up to me and
told me he loved me.
Well, shortly afterward I saw that he had looked up the same
bathhouse on his computer and bookmarked it. I freaked. He
said that he thought originally it was a toyshop and that’s
why he had looked up the Web site, and that he didn’t realize
he’d bookmarked it. He claimed again that there was nothing
to worry about.
I find myself completely paranoid now. I’m afraid to even
look around his house because I might see something that will
tell me he’s lying. He now gets irritated when I ask him anything
and insists that everything is fine. I have no question that
this man loves me but this just won’t go away. I feel I don’t
trust him. Do I have a legitimate fear or am I possibly blowing
the situation out of proportion?
Wanting A Gay Ex
guy can like getting fucked in the ass by his girlfriend,
NWAGE, or be too stressed out for sex, or innocently come
into possession of info about a gay bathhouse and still be
a straight guy. But all three at once? He likes getting fucked
in the ass, he’s not that interested in his girlfriend anymore,
and you’re finding cards for a gay bathhouse laying around
his apartment and the same bathhouse’s Web site bookmarked
on his computer? I’m sorry, NWAGE, but your guy can’t be straight.
He may not be gay; he could be bisexual, or just heteroflexible
enough to be curious about what a real cock feels like. But
straight, bi, or gay, he’s not being straight with you. If
you’re not down with sharing his ass with some stranger in
a gay bathhouse, well, then you’d better DTMFA.