so rarely answer questions of etiquette in your column, unlike
so many of your advice-giving peers. Here’s one for you: I’ve
been in a casual sexual relationship with this girl for about
four months. (Two months ago we spoke, reaffirming that all
either of us wanted was the casual sex.) I have grown weary
of it though, and am ready to move on. What is the appropriate
way to end this affair? Can it be done over e-mail? The phone?
Or does having my dick inside her for a quarter year earn
this woman the right to be “broken up” with in person?
would be within your NSA rights to break things off with this
woman by e-mail, WO. The affair has been casual and you can
be equally casual about the end, avoiding the formal, in-person
breakup you seem to dread.
But I wouldn’t recommend it.
The pool of women willing to have NSA sex is relatively small,
WO, and many of these women are friendly with each other,
gathering in stylish bars and restaurants to compare notes
and swap terribly amusing stories about their sex partners.
The relatively remote chance that this woman is friendly with
another woman with whom you may want to enjoy casual sex in
the future, WO, requires that you end things over the phone,
at the very least, or in person.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m straight and
kinky. However, it’s not okay with the people I work for and
with, and not always okay with the people I date. I’ve tried
hanging out in scenes specifically designed for kinksters,
but it doesn’t work for me. I find goth funny and I find people
that take neo-paganism, role-play, or calling themselves the
“Dark Lord of Warpedness” seriously funny. What do I do? In
theory it’s okay to ask someone if they’re kinky and have
them refuse, but it’s not okay when they feel the need to
vent to their friends about it, especially when their friends
blab. This is particularly problematic in my case. I live
in an area where those who are not entirely straight and married
are liable to be prosecuted. There are a few out kinksters
in town, but they’re extroverts who seem happy to be the local
“weirdoes.” I’m an introvert and a private person. I don’t
want to be condemned, or lose my livelihood, or spend the
rest of my time with my legs crossed and my other bits untouched.
One Smart Acronym
I’m not being glib, NOSA. Pick your kinky ass up and move
it to a great big city. The nonkinksters you meet will still
gossip about your kinks, and the kink scene will be just as
overrun with goths, neo-pagans, role-players, extroverts happy
to be the local weirdoes, and a seemingly endless supply of
Dark Lords of Warpedness. (And God bless ’em, NOSA. There
wouldn’t be an organized kink scene but for the efforts of
the extroverts and weirdoes.) But in a larger city’s larger
kink scene, NOSA, your odds of finding a nice, shy, retiring
kinkster are higher. Your odds of losing your job for being
kinky are infinitely smaller in a big city, rendering harmless
whatever gossip your kinks inspire.
My girlfriend and I are very happy. We have fun and
do kinky stuff in the sack. I have just one complaint about
our sex life. When it comes down to her coming, she gets on
top and grinds. Now when I say “grind” I mean she sits on
me and grinds her clit into my pubic bone. I don’t mind it
during sex, in fact I enjoy it, but afterward it feels like
I took a few punches to the pubic region. Any ideas on what
In My Pubes
bitch. You fuck your girlfriend before she gets down to grinding
into you, right? If you fuck her with any passion, PIMP, I
guarantee you she feels like she’s taken a few punches to
the pubic region too.
I’m 30 and married. My husband and I have been together
since we were teens. Over the years I’ve been GGG—sex clubs,
blowjobs galore, a multitude of positions and scenarios, homemade
porn, sex toys, pegging, and I even watched him have sex with
someone else. But the other day looking through our computer
bookmarks I opened a site saved under an innocuous name, and
it was porn that seriously grossed me out. (I wasn’t snooping:
This is our home computer, a computer we share, and our bookmarks
are all jumbled together.) It’s not illegal, but it has really
put me off sex with him. I feel weirded out that he gets aroused
by that stuff. Is my GGG status revoked? Is there anything
to say, or do I let him go so he can be with someone less
spent more than a decade with this man, RGGGL, all of your
adult life, and yet you’re contemplating divorce after finding
one—one!—disturbing website bookmarked on your computer? That
seems a bit extreme. Go to him, tell him what you found, and
before he can say a word explain that you were so disturbed
that you found yourself contemplating divorce. Then
demand an explanation.
Maybe he thought the site was gross too—hilariously gross,
and he wanted to save the link to terrify his friends. Or
maybe he bookmarked it accidentally. Or maybe he’s actually
into whatever was pictured on that website. But if he is,
RGGGL, he’ll have the good sense to lie because you already
threatened him with divorce. Then all you need to do to
save your marriage is swallow an explanation that may or may
not be a lie. The ability to swallow a lie is an important
relationship skill, RGGGL, and if you haven’t already mastered
it, well, there’s no time like the present.
I am a black gay male and live in Portland, Oregon.
I was in Vancouver, British Columbia, and on Saturday, July
23, I met a guy at a gay club called the Odyssey. We hit it
off. Now I wish I had given him my information so we could
keep in touch. So I am turning to you, to see if you could
help me out. His name was Andrew and he was in his mid 20s.
He’s a black male too and there aren’t too many gay black
men in the world (or in that part of Canada), so I would really
like to get in touch with him again. He’s going to school
and taking classes in physical education.
I realize you’ve got a lot more to do than help some sorry
guy with a sad story. But if you wrote a little message at
the end of your column maybe Andrew might see it. Here’s my
contact info just in case you do print something: Andrew can
reach me at Seeking BCAndrew @yahoo.com.
a Brother Out
to help, HBO.
Ahem: My six-year-old advice to “Help Me”—the woman who let
a dog eat her out and was wondering “how’d that happen?”—pissed
off all the dog fuckers out there. To read what the dog fuckers
have on their minds, go to http://www.metroland.net/savageextra.html.