can I tell if I’m asexual? Is it a legitimate orientation
or am I just a seething ball of neuroses?
Sex does nothing for me. I can’t orgasm (even when I attempt
masturbation), so my husband doesn’t go there. That’s fine
by me. I hate my people-parts; I find them utterly
icky. At any rate, I apparently perform good fellatio, so
the no-intercourse thing isn’t such an issue. My marriage
seems fine; we laugh and share the same lefty values and cuddle
on the couch. When he has needs he fondles my breasts and
nuzzles me; this indicates “go down on me now, please.” So
I do. However, I feel nothing.
Is that normal? I’m well-adjusted otherwise, a productive
member of society and all that. I am cheerful, good-humored,
and pretty, too. Are some people simply not wired to be into
sex? I’m certainly into love. I feel very passionate about
my husband and my friends, but it’s completely cerebral. If
it’s of any use, I’m 31 and I dislike pooping, too.
Basically: Am I fucked up? Is it okay to not be sexual? Should
my sorry butt be in therapy?
the results of a study on asexuality were published in the
Journal of Sex Research in August 2004, a new sexual minority
group began taking its turn up on the wicked stage. Everyone
from the BBC to Salon to the New Scientist weighed
in on the one percent of the population that, according to
UK researchers, “had never felt sexually attracted to anyone
at all.” The go-to guy for quotes and insights into asexuality
was David Jay, a 23-year-old asexual from St. Louis, Mo.,
and the founder of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network
We’ll get to Jay’s insights into your case in a second, INH,
but first I have to say that asexual- ity, as I understand
it, is an indifference to sex. Reading your letter, INH, I
didn’t sense indifference, just disgust—with people-parts,
with pooping, with blowjobs. There’s asexuality and then there’s
being repulsed by sex, also known as “sexual aversion disorder,”
and that’s a horse-fucker of a different color. So, yeah,
I would describe you as fucked up and order you to get your
sorry butt into therapy.
For a second opinion we turn now to David Jay:
me anyone, sexual or asexual, who isn’t in some way fucked
up and I’ll gag,” says Jay. “The question she should be asking
herself is not, ‘Am I fucked up?’ but, ‘Do I need sex to be
happy?’ It doesn’t sound like she does, but the question is
probably worth exploring with a best friend and a six-pack.
If she concludes that she needs sex in her life, then there’s
an industry that will be more than happy to serve her.”
But if you conclude that sex just isn’t for you, Jay would
advise you to take stock of your situation from a nonsexual
standpoint. “You’ve got what sounds like a great husband who
you love and great friends. Instead of focusing your energy
on worrying about sex (which up to now has been nothing but
boring), focus on further exploring the things that you actually
And your husband’s needs?
wouldn’t be that worried about your husband,” Jay says. “If
he had some overwhelming need to have more sex he probably
would have mentioned it by now.”
Hmm, I respectfully dissent. While it’s possible that your
husband is content with the odd perfunctory blowjob, it’s
more likely that he doesn’t press the matter because he loves
you. But he probably misses women’s people-parts, INH, and
one day the opportunity to fuck the shit out of another woman’s
people-parts is going to present itself and he’ll seize it.
And this, I think, will be the ultimate test of your asexual
cred. If you don’t think sex is important, then it shouldn’t
matter to you if your husband does this hugely unimportant
thing with someone else every once in a while.
Hi. I’m a 16-year-old girl whose 20-year-old brother has
a foot fetish. Normally, this wouldn’t bother me. However,
he comes into my room at 2 AM in the morning and slips his
hands under the covers to touch my feet. The other night I
woke up and he was licking my foot. Sometimes he’ll rub his
penis between my toes. I love my brother, but this makes me
uncomfortable. He comes in almost every night, and when he
wakes me up, I can’t get back to sleep for at least an hour.
I’m so tired in the morning, and my mom blames me saying I
stay up too late. What should I do? I’ve tried confronting
my brother (sometimes when he wakes me up I’ll tell him to
get out of my room). He has to be really dense to think I
don’t know. I don’t want to tell my mom or dad because I don’t
want him to get in trouble. Plus it’s embarrassing for the
both of us.
Who Needs Sleep
worrying about protecting your brother and start worrying
about protecting yourself. He’s sexually assaulting you, SWNS,
and he’s using your fear of embarrassment to keep you silent!
You’re being manipulated and abused—get angry! Tell your parents
what’s going on, buy a lock for your door, and if your brother
somehow manages to get into your room despite the lock, scream
your fucking head off.
Your brother needs help—not because he’s a foot fetishist,
SWNS, there’s nothing wrong with that. He needs help because
he’s obviously developed—through absolutely no fault of yours—a
thing for abusing, manipulating, and terrorizing women. Your
continued silence in the face of this abuse isn’t helping
you or your brother, SWNS, but making it more likely that
he will attempt this with other women one day. If your brother
doesn’t get help now he’s either going to wind up in
jail or dead on the bedroom floor of a woman who sleeps with
a gun under her pillow.
Kudos to you for your love of the Dresden Dolls. But check
them out live if you get the chance! There’s nothing more
enjoyable than hearing the lyrics in “Coin-Operated Boy” change
from “I can even take him in the bath” to “I can even fuck
him in the ass” during the live show. Brilliant!
for the heads up, Corey, but I discovered that the Dresden
Dolls change “I can even take him in the bath” to “I can even
fuck him in the ass” during their live shows all on my own.
I love them so much I bought their live CD, which I took home
and listened to while my 7-year-old son was in the room. This
resulted in me having to explain to him what “fuck him in
the ass” meant 18 years earlier than I had planned. (Where’s
Tipper Gore when you need her?) Still, I love the Dresden
Dolls, and anyone who wants to see the Dresden Dolls change
that lyric live should check out their Web site— www.dresdendolls.com—for
their upcoming tour dates in the U.S. and Canada.
Finally, a lot of readers—smokers and nonsmokers alike—took
exception to my advice for the woman whose boyfriend has a
smoking fetish. Go to http://www.metroland.net/ savageextra.htm
to read their feedback.
Savage’s new book, The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage,
and My Family, goes on sale September 22.