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My
wife and I were married straight out of college. At the time
I knew she suffered from a potentially debilitating mental
disorder, so I came into the relationship with my eyes fully
open. Since then, nine years and two children have followed.
About two years ago her disorder began to get worse. Suicidal
ideation, hallucinations, delusions, and the like. Her psychiatrist
put her on a new medication that for the most part has eliminated
her symptoms. She has gotten her life under control and is
doing much better. But here’s my problem, and I feel extremely
selfish for this: One of the side effects of the medication
is a complete loss of interest in sex. She is still loving
and affectionate, but her libido is nonexistent. We have discussed
this many times, and argued about it. Over the past six months
we have reached a tacit agreement: I don’t ask, and she doesn’t
pretend. I am 32 years old and married to my best friend who
wants nothing to do with me sexually.
Divorce is not an option. My children are my life. In addition,
my wife needs me—and I take the “for better or worse” part
seriously. More importantly, I love her. In short, I am looking
at forgoing sex for the rest of my life. I am successful,
intelligent, ambitious, kind, and better than average in the
looks department. I am flirted with frequently in my daily
life, and I find myself increasingly desperate for even a
small taste of sexual intimacy. What am I to do?
—Desperately
Seeking Anything
You’re
to fuck other people, DSA.
You write that you take the “for better or worse” part seriously,
and that’s admirable. I fully support your decision to remain
in your marriage, stand by your wife, and be there for your
kids. They all need you, and they all need you at home. But
that “for better or worse” stuff? It doesn’t just apply to
you, DSA, it also applies to your wife.
So, yeah, it sucks to be married to someone who, as the result
of a necessary medical intervention, is completely uninterested
in sex. That definitely falls into the “worse” column. Likewise,
it sucks to be married to a man who, to preserve his own sanity,
occasionally has sex with other women. That falls into the
“worse” column, too. But you have needs that have to be met,
DSA, and meeting them isn’t just about satisfying your need
for sexual intimacy. You’re feeling “increasingly desperate”
about the prospect of “forgoing sex for the rest of [your]
life.” If you don’t find a nice woman you can be sexual with—perhaps
someone in a similar circumstance?—your desperation will eventually
reach an emotional crescendo and you will sabotage your marriage.
So do the right thing and fuck other people.
Yeah, yeah: Adultery is wrong. But when you consider
the damage that divorce would do to your wife and kids, a
little adultery is the lesser evil. So don’t ask and don’t
tell and don’t get caught, DSA—although you might want to
say something to your wife now, something you can remind her
of if you do get caught, something along the lines of, “I’m
not going to pressure you about sex anymore, but you have
to know that if and when opportunity presents itself, I don’t
think I’ll be able to help myself.” You’ve resigned yourself
to living with this “worse”; it is not too much to ask your
wife to resign herself to the probability that you will, at
some point, fuck someone else.
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About a year ago I moved abroad to be with my boyfriend.
Now we don’t have sex anymore! I confronted my partner about
this and he admitted he is having impotency issues. He is
35 and drinks and smokes a lot and has a stressful job, and
I think these are the reasons for our lackluster love life.
How serious is this? I don’t think I can survive without sex.
He is eight years older than me and claims that sex is no
longer important to him. Does he not love me anymore?
—Between
A Rock And An Unhard Place
How
serious is this problem? Deadly serious, I should think, since
you say you “can’t survive” without sex and he’s apparently
not willing to make any effort or changes (drinking and smoking
“a lot” can impede a man’s ability to get it up), just excuses.
Does he not love you anymore? Dunno, BARAAUP, but he clearly
doesn’t love you enough to take your unhappiness at the current
state of your love life seriously. DTMFA.
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There is this girl who is dating a friend of mine, but
we all hang out at least once a week. Their relationship is
“on-again, off-again,” mainly “off” when my friend is sleeping
with other girls. When we hang out, with or without her boyfriend
around, this girl is always talking about how she wishes her
boyfriend was more like me, didn’t use drugs, etc. She also
seems to always find ways to be in physical contact with me,
sitting next to me, leaning on me, etc. I am in love with
her. I am also married. I’m a 24-year-old guy, and my wife
and I have been married for two years. We dated for eight
years before that. (Yes, we started dating when I was 14.)
I thought I was in love with my wife, but now, with this new
girl, I feel so much more that it makes me wonder if either
one of us ever really experienced true love.
The most sensible option, of course, is to assume that this
is just a fleeting crush, and continue my married life. The
other option is to talk to her about my crush, and see if
she feels the same way about me. There’s no sense getting
a divorce only to find out that this girl doesn’t really like
me, right? What do you think? My wife and I have no children,
so that’s not a concern.
—Torn
Married Man
First
off, TMM, I find it odd that your wife either doesn’t know
or doesn’t care that you hang out with a cheating, drug-abusing
buddy and his long-suffering girlfriend at least once a week.
If she knows and doesn’t care, it’s entirely possible that
she wants out of this early, ill-advised marriage just as
much as you do.
So what do you do? Talk it out with your crush—she may be
all over you because she’s into you or she may be all over
you because she sees you as “safe,” i.e. married, and therefore
not a potential boyfriend. And just because she tells you
she wishes her boyfriend were more like you, TMM, that doesn’t
necessarily mean she’s attracted to you. Anyone who repeatedly
takes back a cheating, drug-using boyfriend has a taste for
bad boys, something you’re definitely not. So while she may
regard you as a better man, that doesn’t necessarily mean
you’re her type. She may just be relying on you—AKA using
you—for emotional support while she gets her kicks from her
bad-boy boyfriend.
Regardless of what the crush says, you need to talk with the
wife too. You don’t have to share all the details, but before
you have kids, a frank conversation about how young you married
and what you may have missed out on by doing so (true love?)
might be a good idea.
Readers
react to pubes on toilet seats and come on toothbrushes at
link.thestranger.com/pubes.
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