I out of bounds if I try to have a dialogue with my nephew
about masturbation? He’s 17 years old and I’m 52. I’m also
a balanced bisexual male in a good marriage. I masturbate
a lot, “in private,” and enjoy pornography sometimes. I have
fun, easy orgasms.
What is appropriate? My nephew trusts me and brings up the
topic constantly. He seems quite sophisticated—he says he
uses condoms for jacking off (I use lotion); he is also upset
because my sister’s latest boyfriend confiscated a blow-up
masturbation doll from his personal effects. Some of my previous
frank discussions with other nephews have been criticized,
especially when a 15-year-old nephew got into my video library.
(It happened 15 years ago; today the boy is straight, married,
happy, and we have a good relationship.) Any advice would
Nephew Craves Lasting Education
your motives pure, UNCLE? Your “previous frank discussions
with other nephews” got you into trouble, which either means
you’re a creepy old fart who gets off on talking about sex
with his nephews—and your relatives know it—or that you come
across that way when you talk to your nephews about sex. You
need to look inside your heart, UNCLE, and ask yourself if
you want to “dialogue” with your nephew about masturbation
because he needs a trustworthy, responsible adult to confide
in or if you want to dialogue with him because it makes your
If it’s the former, here’s how you can avoid coming across
like a creepy old bisexual with designs on his nephew: Let
him initiate these conversations and refrain from following
up answers to his questions with leading questions of your
own. Let him begin these conversations, keep your answers
simple, absolutely no over-sharing (he doesn’t need to know
about your lube or porn preferences), and let him end the
conversations. In short, do nothing that might give your nephew
the impression that you beat off about your little chats.
If you find that you simply can’t be cool, calm, informative,
reserved, restrained, and respectful, then let your nephew
go elsewhere for info.
Every year my family goes on a weeklong vacation to the
family I mean my mom, my brother, my sister-in-law, and their
I was married, I would come with my wife and our two kids.
years ago, I came out of the closet and got a divorce.
This year I decided to invite my boyfriend. We have dated
on and off since my divorce. But before inviting him, I forgot
to mention it to my family.
brother is ultra-conservative and not totally sane about my
gayness; I get along well with my sister-in-law, so I approached
her with my idea of bringing my significant other to the beach.
Her reply was: “David, this has always been a family vacation.
If your relationship with your boyfriend is stable enough
that you consider him ‘family,’ I can sit my kids down and
explain to them why Uncle Dave is bringing his friend and
why they are going to be together at the end of the day. But
if you don’t think your relationship with your boyfriend is
that stable, then I don’t think it’s fair to put our kids
I agree with her to some degree; after all, we all pay for
the house and we should all feel comfortable in it. My boyfriend,
however, thinks she’s full of crap, hiding her prejudice behind
her kids. What do you think?
think straight people say the darndest things sometimes—and
I think your boyfriend is right, although I wouldn’t call
your sister-in-law prejudiced. She’s family, so let’s give
her the benefit of the doubt, shall we? Instead of prejudiced,
let’s just say she’s still working her way to full acceptance.
Even so, she is trying to cover for her own lingering discomfort
with that “I don’t think it’s fair to put our kids through
this” crap. Here’s what she should have said instead: “We’re
still getting used to you being gay, and we know we’re going
to have a conversation about it with our kids sooner or later.
If you’re serious about this guy, we’ll have it now. But if
you’re not serious about this guy, please spare me from having
a conversation I’m not ready to have with my kids.”
That would have been more honest—still fucked up, for sure,
still full of crap, yes indeed, but honest. At 10 and 13,
your nephews know about gay people and they’re old enough
to know they’re related to one. You shouldn’t have to be closeted
around them, serious boyfriend or no serious boyfriend.
And since when do people have to be “family” before they can
come along on a family vacation? If you were dating a woman
for two years after your divorce there would be no question
about her being made welcome at a family vacation—hell, your
family would be anxious to meet her.
So what do you do? Well, you insist. You tell your family
that you realize your coming out came as a bit of a shock.
But it’s been two years and that’s plenty of time to absorb
the shock. From this point forward you’re going to insist
on equal treatment. You’ve been dating this guy for two years—it’s
time he met your family. If your boyfriend isn’t welcome,
then your brother and sister-in-law will have to explain to
their kids why Uncle Dave isn’t coming.
Here it goes: When I was little my uncle raped me. And
I’m not talking soft touches in “no-no” spots. He did some
pretty nasty stuff. Anyway, I’ve gotten past that and I’m
now with the most loving man I could ever imagine being with.
The problem: He likes butt sex. Considering my past, butt
sex kinda . . . freaks me out. He wants it so bad, and part
of me wants it too, but when we try it hurts—a lot—and
I get scared. I freak out and he stops, but I know we both
want it. Is there any advice you could give me on this? I
want be able to give us both what we want.
From Her Past
you have all my sympathy. I hope your uncle dies/died a horrible,
lingering death. Now on to the problem at hand . . .
The first thing you need to do is expand your definition of
butt sex, RFHP. Actual penis-pounding-away-at-butt sex, AKA
buttfucking, is varsity-level sex, and you’re clearly not
ready for that squad. But there are plenty of junior-varsity
options for your butt—and for his butt, too—that can
help you work your way up. I’m talking gentle, external stroking
with lubed-up fingers, lots of licking, vibrators placed on
your butthole (that’s on, or across, not in). If you incorporate
these gentler anal pleasures into your regular routine, RFHP,
pretty soon you’ll be having mind-blowing orgasms while your
boyfriend rims you or holds a vibrator against your ass as
he fucks you senseless. In time you’ll begin to associate
your butt with pleasure, and Uncle Fucker’s grip on your ass
will loosen. Only then should you go out for the varsity team.