boyfriend, Jason, is having problems with a boy named Roger
who is obsessed with him. But because Roger is friends with
Jason and Jason’s friends, Jason won’t just tell him off.
Roger had the audacity to call Jason today and ask about our
sex life. Roger is not only making Jason’s life hell, but
he is also making their shared friends’ lives hell. On top
of it all, Roger called Jason’s ex, Cody, and told him about
me being around the dorm, which may sound petty, but Cody
is a very sweet boy and does not need Roger making him feel
like shit because of the fact that Jason is dating someone
I don’t want to get in the middle of this, because it’s not
my place, though Roger has made an effort to drag me in. I
just want to know if you have any ideas I can relay to my
friends and Jason as to what to do about Roger?
Your letter really took me back, RMF. When I was a freshman
in college and dating Ricky, a sophomore, I was also fucking
Randy, a senior, at the same time. Randy knew about Ricky,
but Ricky didn’t know about Randy. Are you with me? The fact
that Randy had another boyfriend, a grad student also named
Ricky, didn’t really bother me because I was cheating too,
you know? So everything was cool and I was getting laid like
crazy. But then my Ricky found out about Randy and Randy’s
Ricky found out about me and we were all convinced that the
world was coming to an end. But we were wrong. The sun kept
coming up, RMF, and we quickly realized that we were just
a bunch of silly faggots with too much time on our hands and
too much cock in our mouths.
Which brings me to you and Jason and Roger and Cody.
Your desire to make Roger the villain in this little drama
is understandable. You’re dating Jason, and you don’t want
to think ill of him. But Jason is the problem here, RMF, not
Roger. While Roger sounds like a deluded asshole, it’s Jason’s
reluctance to tell Roger to fuck off that’s keeping this drama
alive. Roger is creepy and obsessed and he makes Jason’s current
boyfriend and ex-boyfriend uncomfortable—so why exactly does
Jason maintain a friendship with Roger? Because Jason enjoys
being the lead in the Jason/RMF/Roger/Cody show, just as I
enjoyed being the lead of the Danny/Ricky/Ricky/Randy show.
Just the fact that you wrote this letter, not Jason,
So what do you do? You let Jason know that he needs to tell
Roger to fuck off or you’re through. And if you’re looking
for someone to date, well, that Cody person sounds like a
My boyfriend recently moved out of state. He said he had
to get his stuff from his ex-fiancée. The next time he called
me, he was in a different state than he originally told me
he was going to. Now, he’s talking about getting a job for
a year in a completely different state. I’ve broken up with
him, but we can’t seem to stop calling each other to chat—and
argue. I thought we were closer and that he really loved me,
but I don’t know why he’s changing his mind constantly. The
last time we argued, he said he just wants to be left alone.
Then he called me three times. Why do men get involved in
relationships if they’re not serious? He’s way older than
me—wouldn’t an older guy be ready to get serious?
thought you were close and you thought that he loved you,
CIS, but guess what? You thought wrong. Now get the fuck over
it. So no more phone calls, no more chats, no more arguments,
’kay? While we may not know what your ex wants, or even where
he wants to live, we do know what he enjoys: emotional entanglements.
Why did he leave his precious stuff with his ex-fiancée? Because
he’s probably doing to her what he’s doing to you—calling,
chatting, arguing, playing games. Since he can’t give you
what you want (commitment), CIS, don’t give him what he wants
And file this away for future reference: “Way older” guys
who date way younger women are a lot of things, CIS, but they’re
very rarely serious.
I’m having an argument with a friend. He’s 30 years old
and whenever he has sex with a woman who has a child, he says,
“Oh yeah, dude, she was a total MILF.” These are woman in
their late 20s/early 30s with young children. I was under
the impression that a “MILF” (Mother I’d Like to Fuck) was
a title only given to mothers by adolescent males, usually
the friends of the son of said mother. As in, “Dude, your
mom is a total MILF.” My friend insists that any attractive
woman with a child can be a MILF, regardless of her age or
the age of her kids. By his definition, a 16-year-old with
a baby could, technically, be considered a MILF. This doesn’t
seem right to me. What do you think?
Interesting Linguistic Formalities
status is entirely in the eye of the beholder, MILF. If a
woman is a mom and some guy wants to fuck her—and he wants
to be crude about it—then he can describe her as a MILF.
I’m surprised that you let UNCLE off so easy. He was the
man in last week’s column that wanted to “have a dialogue
with [his] nephew about masturbation.” He’s obviously a pervert,
Dan—in the bad way. In two paragraphs he shared more about
his masturbation habits than I know about any of my relatives’,
and I’m pretty open. (I’ve had sex with my boyfriend in front
of my brother while he had sex with his girlfriend in front
of us, thanks to some strong Ecstasy, so I’m no prude.) After
reading his letter it seemed impossible to believe that UNCLE
would show any restraint with his nephew. And more to the
point, what information could his nephew possibly need? He’s
17 and uses condoms and blow-up dolls, so he’s obviously been
going at it for a few years.
The thought of a 53-year-old talking to a minor about masturbation
is creepy enough, but it’s much creepier when they’re related
and the minor is very close to not being a minor anymore.
At 17, there’s nothing this kid needs to learn about the subject,
and certainly nothing that his funny uncle needs to share.
About Uncle’s Lechery
is how it’s done Mr. President and Mr. Vice President: Oh,
gee. I made a mistake. I fucked up. Gee, I’m sorry about that.
You’re right, PAUL, I was far too gentle with UNCLE. I found
his letter discomforting, to say the least, and I made my
suspicions clear in the first line of my response: “Are your
motives pure, UNCLE?” But I should have blasted UNCLE. Instead,
the bulk of my response was given over to general advice for
people whose younger relatives want to ask them about sex:
“ . . . be cool, calm, informative, reserved, restrained,
and respectful.” But there’s probably no way a creepy old
perv with boundary issues could take that advice to heart.
So, UNCLE, the advice I gave you last week is inoperative.
Refrain from discussing sex with your nephew, you creepy old