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My
girlfriend of three years is a smoker. In the beginning of
our relationship her smoking didn’t bother me. I come from
a family of smokers and I used to smoke. But now her smoking
is a huge turn-off. I’ve also started a new job where I work
with cancer patients and I see the deadly effects of smoking
everyday. I’ve tried everything under the sun to get her to
stop. She says she’ll try, but never makes much of an effort.
I don’t like to kiss or be near her when she smokes. It ruined
our sex life because she comes to bed smelling like cigarettes.
If she doesn’t stop I want to move out. I’ll sacrifice the
relationship before I succumb to cancer from secondhand smoke.
Is it fair to give her an ultimatum?
—Nonsmoking
Section
My regular readers know that I view this column—my life’s
work—as a sacred pact with my readers. People bring me their
problems, seeking my assistance and insight, and I take that
responsibility very seriously. But that doesn’t stop me from
occasionally auctioning off the right to give advice in this
space to the highest bidder, and letting that person—whomever
the hell it might be—dig through my e-mail inbox and answer
a few questions.
Meet Cara McDermott, a 28-year-old who works on public-health
projects in Seattle, Wash. A Savage Love reader for more than
a decade, Cara was the winning bidder in an auction that benefited
a worthy charity: the anti-hunger agency Northwest Harvest.
Cara is a ginger-haired looker with a fiancé from Amish country
in Pennsylvania, and her future father-in-law is a big fan
of the word “santorum,” which is apparently on everyone’s
lips in Lancaster, Pa. Cara tells me she’s GGG, and her fiancé
Scott backs her up on that. Friends often come to Cara for
advice—which is how I got started in this dirty bidness—and
she believes, as I do, that cheating is permissible under
certain circumstances and that oral sex comes standard. Here’s
Cara’s advice for you, NS:
“I
understand where you’re coming from,” says Cara. “I’m a former
smoker myself who has worked with cancer patients and it’s
depressing to see what might be in store for your girlfriend.
However, I also know that when I was a smoker, naggers like
you bugged the shit out of me. If you don’t want to be around
secondhand smoke, then it’s a fair request of your girlfriend
that she not smoke in the house. If she smells like cigarettes,
then suggest that she shower before bed. Most importantly,
drop the nagging. I bet that once you bug your girlfriend
less about her smoking, all of a sudden she might find the
will to quit.”
Cara may have purchased the right to give advice in this column
but I never—never—auction off the right to the last word:
Sorry, Cara, but smoking outside and/or taking showers doesn’t
really mask a smoker’s all-body stench. If a smoker’s stench
doesn’t bother you, then fuck smokers. But if it does bother
you, NS, you’re going to have to dump the girlfriend.
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My wife and I decided it would be okay for her to fuck
other guys. It turns me on to think of her getting pounded
while I’m at work. I’ve always wanted for her to sit her freshly
fucked pussy on my face and let the other guy’s cum run out
into my mouth. Given the health risks to both of us, this
fantasy has to be left in the Don’t Do It, Just Think About
It (DDI-JTAI) file. Recently we tossed around the idea of
pouring contents of a used condom into her pussy the day after
it was filled. The AIDS virus only lives about 5 minutes out
of the body, so there’s no risk there. My question is what
are the other health risks we could be exposed to?
—Day-Old-Spunk
Eater
“Dan
may disagree with me,” says Cara, “but I have to say that
this fantasy should stay in the DDI-JTAI file, DOSE. While
you don’t have to worry about the AIDS virus, you should think
a lot about hepatitis. You don’t have a guarantee that there
is no blood mixed with the spunk—rare, but I feel I have to
say it—and you don’t have a guarantee that there’s no fecal
matter mixed in there (either through dirty hands or anal
play). According to the CDC website, hep A can live outside
the body for months, hep B can live outside the body for seven
days and transmit infection, and hep C can last for anywhere
from 16 hours to four days outside the body. You can get shots
for hep A and hep B, but there’s nada available for hep C.
Take the risk and maybe you fry your liver, maybe not.”
You’re right, Cara, I disagree with you. DOSE’s extremely
small risk of catching hep has to be weighed against the large
benefit of fulfilling this monumentally disgusting fantasy—a
fantasy that is the ultimate expression of the cuckold fetish,
e.g., literally having your nose rubbed in the evidence of
your mate’s infidelity. And there’s a relatively easy way
to minimize your risk of catching anything, DOSE. If your
wife cheats with a regular dude, all she needs to do is make
continued access to her pussy contingent on a full health
screening.
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I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for five
years. I’m in love with her and I want to spend the rest of
my life with her if possible. Problem No. 1: She’s married
and has been throughout our entire relationship. She tells
me that she loves me and wants to be only with me, but she
won’t leave him. Her husband and I know each other quite well
but he knows nothing about us. Problem No. 2: She was my first
and has been my only with everything sexual. Problem No. 3:
She did leave him and we moved in together about a year ago
and everything was going really well until she came down with
an STD that I did not give her. When she moved in I was told
that all sexual encounters with her husband had stopped. I
found out that she had been giving him head. How am I supposed
to deal with this? Now he has moved in with us and we don’t
even sleep in the same room anymore (for the sake of the kids).
What do I do?
—Love
Over Stressed Times
“I
have a few pieces of advice for you,” says Cara. “Piece No.
1: If she loves you and only wants to be with you, then she’d
leave him. Piece No. 2: Very few people have one sexual partner
for their whole lives. For most of us, having different sexual
partners exposes us to different people and different situations,
teaching us a lot along the way. You need to sleep with more
folks before settling down. Piece No. 3: Finally, LOST, to
be blunt, your girlfriend is a lying, cheating whore who is
emotionally abusing you and possibly exposing you to some
nasty STIs. DTMFA and good luck meeting the nice gal you deserve.”
Hm. I have nothing whatsoever to add—good work, Cara!
HEY,
EVERYBODY: A couple of weeks back I advised WILLIE and FS—two
sex-starved married people—to go ahead and cheat on their
respective spouses. It seems that advising married people
to cheat really pisses some people off. To read responses
to that column—most con, some pro—go to http://www.metroland.net/savageextra.html.
mail@savagelove.net
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