generally don’t agree with the advice you give, but I need
help and I can’t talk to my friends.
About two months ago I broke off a relationship with a guy
I had been seeing for about seven years. I am only 24 years
old and I needed to explore other fish in the sea! I immediately
hooked up with this Russian guy who I had been crushing on
for some time. It turned out he spoke little English but he
treated me amazing. We slept together and he stared deeply
into my eyes and I was totally head over heels. He seemed
just perfect in so many ways, except he lied to me about two
things: his age and his use of hard drugs. A little exaggeration
about age is fine, I guess, but I was distressed by how much
time he spent messed up on cocaine, K, and E.
I went to a friend’s Christmas party and brought him. I tried
to kiss him, but he told me he was too high. I felt rejected.
Later, we were supposed to meet up in the evening after not
seeing each other for a week. When I phoned he told me that
he was too stoned to leave his house. I felt awful again.
I dumped him over the phone. I was PMSing, which is probably
gross for you to know but it affects my decision-making processes,
so I thought you should be aware. The next day he came over
with a friend who could translate for him. He was clearly
high. I told him if he didn’t use drugs so much we could go
out again. Two days later I went to his house to talk to him
and he tried to give me a Christmas present, but I couldn’t
accept it because he said he didn’t want to talk about us.
I sat there dazed and finally left without saying goodbye.
The dilemma is that I can’t stop thinking about him. I have
texted him many times but he hasn’t responded. I want to talk
to him because I want to know if he didn’t want to be in a
relationship with me at all and was waiting for me to leave
him, or if he still likes me and for some reason he’s not
What should I do? I need closure. Do you know what’s going
on in his head? Am I crazy for trying to resolve things?
future reference, HH, the next time you want an advice columnist’s
full attention—when you want him to, say, stop beating off
about a three-way with Saturday Night Live’s Andy Samberg
and Daniel V. from Project Runway and focus instead like a
laser beam on your problems—you might not want to open your
letter with an insult such as, “I generally don’t agree with
the advice you give but I need help.” If you were being assaulted
would you call 911 and scream, “Fuck the pigs!”?
On to my shitty-ass advice: I don’t know what’s going on in
his head—and, judging from his drug use, he may not know either.
But clearly he enjoys drugs a whole hell of a lot more than
he enjoys you. (And considering your people skills, who could
blame him?) As to whether or not he ever wanted to be in a
relationship with you at all or was waiting for you to leave
him or still likes you, blah blah blah, only he knows the
answers to those questions and it looks like he’s not telling.
Does that deny you closure? No, HH, it doesn’t. He’s giving
it to you—hell, he’s fucking slamming you closed.
Then why, if he doesn’t really care about you, was the sex
great? Why did he stare so deeply into your eyes? Because,
HH, sometimes we click physically and chemically with someone
who’s just not right for us—or not all there—and the result
can be mind-blowing sex and nothing more. Despite what Pope
Benedict would have us believe, sex without love can be fucking
amazing. Unfortunately, many sexually inexperienced people
erroneously believe that mind-blowing, intensely connected
sex must be evidence of a deeper, more-profound connection.
Sometimes it is, HH, sometimes it isn’t. (And sometimes people
stare deeply into our eyes because they’re having a hard time
I’ll conclude my shitty advice with this observation, HH:
You broke up with your last boyfriend after seven years because
you wanted to filet some of the other fishes in the sea. So
why are you trying to settle down with the very first fish
Is there established etiquette for showing appreciation
to a person for being a good masturbatory fantasy?
A polite person never says anything to the subjects of their
masturbatory fantasies of the roles they play in her inner
erotic life. Why? Well, take Andy Samberg for example. If
I ever met him, I would opt to discuss comedy or fashion or
politics with him, omitting any references to the dozen or
more times I’ve pictured him sitting on Daniel V.’s face.
That information might make Andy uncomfortable, and then what
hope would I have of ever getting into his pants?
Is there anything you can do? Yes, DG, there is: The tactful
way to show your appreciation to someone you’ve masturbated
about is by making an anonymous donation to a worthy charity
in his or her name. (I made a large donation to the American
Society for the Preservation of Boyish, Shaggy-Haired Men
in the names of Andy Samberg and Daniel V.)
There probably aren’t many people who are loyal readers
of both Savage Love and The Economist, but I am one.
In the Jan. 5 issue of The Economist there is a subtle
reference to santorum—yes, santorum in the Savage Love sense.
fall of Rick Santorum, Pennsylvania’s junior senator, is even
more eagerly anticipated by the American left. Mr. Santorum
is one of America’s most-articulate opponents of all things
permissive. His six children are homeschooled; he opposes
stem-cell research; he feels that sodomy should be outlawed;
he favors national service. James Dobson, the head of Focus
on the Family, an evangelical group, praises his ‘integrity,
vision, and unwavering commitment to the principles and beliefs
upon which the United States was founded.’ Meanwhile, gay
activists use his name to denote something indescribable in
a family newspaper.”
Thanks to everyone who wrote in about the reference to santorum
in The Economist. With any luck Senator Santorum, that
conservative fucktard, will soon be out of office and remembered
only for his singular contribution to the sexual lexicon.
One quibble with The Economist, however: It’s not just
gay activists who are using Santorum’s name to denote something
indescribable in a family newspaper. (This ain’t no family
newspaper: Santorum is that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter
that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.) Plenty of straights
have anal sex and, therefore, occasion to use the term.
Oh, and speaking of conservative fucktards: My condolences
to all the sane people in Canada—the majority in Canada—who
voted against your new prime minister, conservative fucktard
Stephen Harper. Just as we will somehow survive George W.
Bush’s reign of error down here, we trust that you will survive
Harper’s—hopefully with your gay marriages, sensible drug
reforms, and Kyoto treaty obligations intact.
HEY, EVERYBODY: More responses to WILLIE and FS—and responses
to other responses—can be read at http://www.metroland.net/savageextra.html.