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Metroland Sex Survey

Describe the circumstances of the best sex you’ve ever had.

Of course we were drunk. It was all-out animal sex. It was raining out so we were all wet and were just ripping our clothes off of each other and throwing each other around.

One of the most erotic was washing our cars in my boyfriend’s backyard (house in the country) with me wearing only a thong. We started washing each other and ended up having super sex in the hot sun right there on the ground.

 

A fight with my true love resulted in complete separation but in the end we couldn’t keep away from one another. I headed to his house. The rush was overwhelming due to the want and need from our separation.

 

I had stopped taking Prozac the week before.

 

I was dreaming.

 

A house to myself. ‘Nuff said.

 

This girl could contract her vagina. So during climax she could milk me like a dairy heifer.

 

Sitting naked on a couch pleasuring myself while my girl lounged naked on a red bean bag at my feet slowly pulling a pearl necklace from her pussy.

 

Anniversary, romantic dinner, bottle of wine, kids at grandma’s. Numerous positions, then morning sex, breakfast in bed and half a day without clothes on.

 

It was an affair. It was totally unexpected and yet so very right. It was very hot, very raw and no-holds-barred sex. It will most likely never happen again, but if he were to call me today (or five years from now) I would jump at the chance to do it again.

 

My girlfriend allowed me to put her in a diaper for my birthday. In turn, she put me in one as well. We spent the evening crinkling around our apartment patting each other’s padded bottoms. The night ended in us grinding against each other in our diapers until we just couldn’t take it anymore. We untaped each other and went at it.

 

At a small, local playground, we had sex on the partly covered slide, as it was pouring rain.

 

2. Describe one fulfilled sexual fantasy.

Sex onstage at a local college’s auditorium with an ex-boyfriend. (Empty except for a security guard wandering the hallways outside.) I turned the spotlights on us, dimmed the house lights, and we took center stage.

 

A threesome on my 25th birthday. We met a girl who was a friend of one of my friends, quite attractive, who was also adventurous. My girl convinced her to come back to my place with us after the party. It was my favorite present of the day.

 

Two guys and me, one guy and one girl and me, one girl and me. That was all in one night!

 

Having sex while both my partner and I were wearing pantyhose.

 

A coworker I secretly craved met me at Ground Round for drinks which led to a wonderful hand job in her car, and when she first saw my cock she sighed, “It’s beautiful!”

 

I woke up in the middle of the night to my girlfriend forcibly having sex with me and acting as my “rapist.”

 

My husband bought coordinated bra and panties sets for my girlfriend and I. Then we had a Polaroid photo shoot with both of them before peeling new purchases off.

 

She was married and straight. Except when it came to me. After my last breakup she consoled me with many hours of pleasure. The best part was when my upstairs neighbor wanted to know if my ex-boyfriend was over last night cause I was very loud. Nope, just the girls!

 

3. What fantasy of yours is best kept a fantasy?

I have a bit of a Santa Claus fantasy that nobody seems to want to act out.

 

My necrophilia fantasy—having a guy make me get in a bathtub full of ice water until I’m nearly hypothermic and then playing dead while he screws me.

 

I want to bang my younger co-worker in the back room and scream while doing it so everyone else who wants him knows that I got him first.

 

The one where I tie my wife to the kitchen island and plunder her anally while dressed as Erik the Red.

 

Having anal sex with my ex-girlfriend, getting off inside her then she sits on my face and I swallow my load.

 

4. What tactics do you use to keep a long-term relationship hot?

We use the book Daily Sex: 365 Positions and Activities for a Year of Great Sex by Jane Seddon!

 

Make dates to spend time together regularly. And treat the other person like your sex god/dess no matter how many times you’ve done it.

 

It’s important to change up who initiates the sex, what hole the sex is happening in, and how fast it’s occurring.

 

Surprises! Sexually and otherwise. Surprise him with tickets to a sports event. Surprise him with a trail of clothes to the bedroom when he comes home from work or wherever.

 

Don’t have too much sex. Restrict it to once or twice a week, but “fool around” the other times you want to have sex, just don’t reach orgasm.

 

Blowjobs.

 

Video tape performances, get new toys, watch porn together and do exactly what the “actors” in the video are doing, page dirty messages to him, ask him what he wants and try really hard to do it.

 

If all else fails, while having sex with boyfriend, fantasize about aforementioned younger co-worker banging me in the back room.

 

5. What’s the strangest advice you were ever given about sex?

“If you want to avoid getting pregnant, don’t unzip the jeans. Sperm have been known to go through underwear.” This was in high school sex ed.

 

“If you don’t have a condom you can use a plastic bag.”

 

A friend advised withholding sex to get what I want outside the bedroom. I’m not sure that is the strangest advice, but it is hands-down the worst advice.

 

“Don’t try this at home.”

 

My grandmother used to have a saying about using condoms and practicing safe sex: “Don’t step into three feet of water without wearing your galoshes.”

 

To touch myself while having sex. It turned out to be the best advice I had ever gotten.

 

“You have to be a lousy lay or the guy will feel bad about himself.”

 

“Write the alphabet on her clit with your tongue.”

 

“Make noise.”

 

“Only date married women: There are no strings attached and it’s emotion-free.”

 

“Faking an orgasm is better than not having one.”

 

Well, I thought it was strange until I tried it: “Put your finger in the girl’s asshole.”

 

My mother said “Don’t forget to keep an open mind. When your man comes home with a gerbil in a cage, well, don’t be too shocked.”

 

My grandpa said, “Don’t beat it when you can bury it.”

 

6. What’s your favorite euphemism for sex or a particular sexual act?

It’s used way too much, cause American Pie made it popular, but I like “double clicking your mouse” for female masturbation.

 

“Knockin’ boots.”

 

By far “Santorum” takes the cake.

 

“Humping.”

 

“Yodeling in the canyon.”

 

“Sneezing in the cabbage.”

 

I was in the hospital, and married friends of mine were going over to feed my cats, one of which took daily thyroid medication. At dinner at another friend’s house, before he was going to have a third glass of wine, she asked him if they would be medicating the cat that night. From then on, “medicating the cat” became a great euphemism. It’s vague enough to mean several things.

 

“Nookie.”

 

“Porkin’.”

 

“Shag.”

 

“Teabagging.” It just sounds hilarious.

 

Cunnilingus is “head”—keep in mind, boys, the clit is just a tiny penis.

 

“Boffing your bologna.”

 

“Putting away laundry” for watching porn

 

“The Portuguese snow cone.”

 

“You want happy ending?”

 

7. Which euphemism for sex or a particular sexual act drives you absolutely buggy?

“Makin’ bacon.”

 

“Five finger shuffle.”

 

The “Shocker.” It’s so played out.

“If there’s grass or bush on the field, play ball!”

 

“Bump uglies.”

 

“Give her the high hard one.”

 

“Dance the mattress jig.”

 

“Mixing the baby batter.”

 

“Parking the beef bus/riding the skin bus/taking the flesh boat to tuna town.”

 

“Pork.”

 

“Saucing/spearing the bearded clam.”

 

“Shoot your wad.”

 

“Bust a nut.”

 

“Two in the pink, one in the stink.”

 

“Making love.” Love is intangible, it cannot be made.

 

“I need to make a drop off in your cum dumpster.”

 

“The beast with two backs.”

 

“Eating out.” There is no eating! I don’t want any teeth involved!

 

“Bone smuggler.”

 

“Buggery.”

 

When someone calls breasts “the girls” and balls “the boys.”

 

“It’s not the size of the ship, but the motion in the ocean.”

 

Any euphemism spoken in “baby talk” is a severe turn-off.

 

8. What’s the silliest or most bizarre sexual dream you’ve had? What happened when you next saw the person(s) involved?

I once dreamed I had sex with my mother. Needless to say, I was fucking weirded out for about a week straight. Freudian theories in effect?

 

I was the Invisible Woman and I was having sex with Wolverine in a cage. I never did meet Wolverine in person, but I’ve had a crush on him ever since.

 

Once I dreamed that I was having sex with my fiancée’s best friend, and I started literally screaming her name. Next thing I know my fiancée woke me up and said why are you screaming her name? We saw her best friend the next day, but neither of us told her!

 

I was trying to have sex with a person I work with and when I went to sit down on his bed, he already had someone hiding under the covers. I thought he’d ask me to stick around, but he asked me to leave. The next day when I saw him, I told him about it.

 

I had a dream that Danica Patrick was going down on me, and my dead grandfather was sitting next to us.

 

I dreamt that I was a female and having sex with my ex-girlfriend who was a guy.

 

I was having anal sex with a man who had the face of my father. I have been working in therapy to get through that. It’s been like three years, I’m almost there.

 

Sex at a party with everyone watching, as though we were some kind of scheduled entertainment.

 

9. What’s the best come-on you’ve ever heard?

“I saw you here before and have been looking for you ever since. . .”

 

“You look like this supermodel. Oh, what is her name?”

 

“Wanna come back to my place and see my action figures?”

 

“You give me Pac-Man fever, ara ara ara ara.”

 

“I can tell by the first kiss if there will be a second time.”

 

A construction worker once came up to me at the DMV and said “Before I leave I just wanted to tell you you are absolutely beautiful.” It was so polite and genuine, it made my day.

 

“Do you know the difference between sex and a cheeseburger? No? Would you like to have lunch?”

 

“You look like Jesus.”

 

Someone rubbed my sweater and asked “Is this wool? Well, then this must be felt,” and grabbed my ass.

 

“My friends bet me 20 bucks that I wouldn’t come over here and try to pick you up.”

 

“Do you really think your husband is good looking?”

 

10. What’s the strangest come on you’ve ever heard?

“My body is a temple. Would you like to attend midnight mass?” (And it worked!)

 

“You smell good, did you douche?”

 

“Is that your girlfriend? Really? Does she wanna watch?”

 

“Your boobs are saggy, but I don’t mind.”

 

“You look like someone who never wants children.”

 

“Hey, this guy over here had to turn his wife in for selling drugs and she’s going to leave him and threatened to kill herself. Do you think you could, you know, cheer him up?”

 

“Can I talk to you for five minutes? If you hate me after that, I’ll leave. It’s a win-win for you; you make the choice and still get a free drink.” Do I even have to say I hated him?

 

“Your name is Jeannie. . . . If I rub your lamp will you grant me three wishes?”

 

“Look at you . . . you are so fertile!”

 

“Your eyes are magical, like a unicorn.”

 

“We should have sex since you just got a clean bill of health from Red Cross.”

 

11. What’s your craziest sex story that your friends still don’t believe?

That my fiancée and I did it like 15 times in one night!

 

We had sex in the not-very-well-wooded area at the fishing spot and he jizzed on the trees.

 

I sat down at a table with a group of friends to study. My girlfriend sat opposite me, and started rubbing my legs with her feet. The tablecloth cloaked what she was doing, so she got bold and started stroking my penis through my jeans with her feet. I was so turned on that I grabbed her foot and used it to pleasure myself. Eventually I blew a load in my jeans while eight of my friends were in the same room, a few of them sitting at the same table.

 

That I had sex with my girlfriend (and I’m a girl) in the high-school theater loft.

 

12. What’s the most unusual thing you do to get yourself in the mood?

Sending erotic text messages to each other.

 

Take a nap. I often need a break between the work day and dallying with my boyfriend.

 

Shopping at Home Depot.

 

Reading X-men comics.

 

Hardcore wrestling with the boyfriend—I love a good fight.

 

Watch women’s tennis, preferably when the Russians are playing.

 

Drink ginger brandy and play with my ass a little.

 

I think about being/getting pregnant and getting fucked while I am pregnant.

 

I spit on my fingers and rub my nipples.

 

Do laundry.

 

13. What do you think is the difference between erotica and pornography? Does it matter?

Erotica is classy and artistic and porn is graphic and dirty. I would rather be involved with erotica. I am more turned on by porn though.

 

Consent?

 

I would say porn is actual penetration. Erotica is just more like soft-core porn or just touching without intercourse.

 

One word is longer than the other.

 

Erotica is fiction about characters having sex. Pornography is a representation of sex into which we project ourselves. It does matter, because pornography feeds our narcissistic illusions, while erotica situates sex as an aspect of the human condition.

 

Erotica has artistic value, like Anais Nin’s writing. Porn simply has a sexual purpose. But both are good.

 

Erotica is the expression of sex and love between people two sexually healthy, normal partners! Porn is just two people getting on to make money and entertain horny lonely people, it’s for the benefit of a third party.

 

Erotica is less biased. Pornography tends to favor men, and is usually a bit degrading to the women involved.

 

Erotica entices your thoughts and imagination while porn appeals to your animal instinct and dark side. Perhaps it matters to others. . . .

 

14. If you have an “arrangement” with a long-term partner that allows for sex with others under limited circumstances, what are those circumstances?

We both agree on the person and are present and involved.

 

If we’re far apart.

 

Use protection.

I don’t know them and they cannot be prettier or skinner than me.

 

Ice cream. While on a diet, sometimes you slip and have ice cream. It happens. When we’re in a situation that presents itself with all the right variables, we call that an “Ice Cream” situation. There’s no lying.

 

15. Tell us about the best sexual surprise you’ve ever had.

Being given an oiled massage, then being tied up with a spreader bar and given a blowjob while blindfolded.

 

Boyfriends have shaved their pubic hair for me, which has always been nice.

 

On my birthday, this girl I had been seeing for a short time asked at the bar for my keys to my place, and when I got home when I was done partying she was in my bed naked and waiting.

 

My first orgasm with my best friend at age 13. It was the only time I’ve ever had an orgasm without “trying” or thinking about it. It just happened. What a delicious surprise. I’ll never forget it.

 

Coming home from work to have my girlfriend meet me at her door wearing nothing but an apron and her underwear.

 

Finding out my girlfriend was a “squirter.”

 

Being instantly attracted to a cute female, hitting it off and finding her to be a tranny.

 

Wife gave me blowjob in restaurant parking lot.

 

A nine-inch cock.

 

16. What’s the strangest place you’ve had sex?

On top of an antique Victrola.

 

In an alley off of Madison and Quail.

 

On a boat launch, by the Rexford bridge.

 

In a dark corner of a bar in Troy with my fiancée on a dare from some of her college girlfriends.

 

On top of a toilet—can’t remember where the toilet was though.

 

In a kayak in the middle of a national park.

 

The Mass Pike at 80 mph.

 

In the woods while I sat on my motorcycle helmet and my girlfriend pulled her shorts aside and straddled me.

 

In a tree in a city park.

 

The car in the parking lot of a Coldplay concert while waiting for traffic, surrounded by other cars.

 

A whirlpool/Jacuzzi in North Carolina while there were families swimming in the pool all around us.

 

59th street subway station.

 

A bird sanctuary on Long Island.

 

17. What’s your favorite sex toy that wasn’t intended to be a sex toy?

My cell phone on its vibrate setting.

 

Plastic mini-blind turning rod.

 

Sharpie marker.

 

Beer bottle.

 

Fukuoku 9000 Massager.

 

Childhood dolls with stiff arms or legs

 

The dryer.

 

A pearl necklace.

 

Plunger handle.

 

A Ken doll

 

Bananas.

 

An electric toothbrush.

 

18. What sexual discovery has changed your life?

To open my throat while giving blowjobs. So much easier!

 

My prostate.

 

In college, a product called Anal-Eze. It numbed me just enough for anal penetration, but not so much that I was unable to enjoy it.

 

That I enjoy dildos and anal play.

 

Finding my G-spot. It does exist! Hallelujah!!!

 

Realizing that I’m submissive and finding two wonderful mistresses so far.

 

I love watching gay men have sex on film. (I’m a female.)

 

Even a woman who is maturing is still an extremely sensual being.

 

Anonymous sex.

 

If I go down on my partner before we make love, his boner lasts longer.

 

That my gratification throughout life of wearing diapers is considered a “fetish” and is shared by thousands of others.

 

The discovery that I am a lesbian.

 

19. What’s your best story about watching or being watched?

My partner made me come for the third time. I opened my eyes to see my cat sitting on the nightstand—staring at me. The door stays shut now.

 

I was on the bus on the way home during middle school one day when I witnessed a female classmate giving head to one of our male classmates. She grabbed his starter jacket and threw it over her head and started going at it. Her head, the jacket rather, bobbed up and down for the entire drive home while the guy just sat back and smiled.

 

I like to have sex doggy style in front of a mirror so I can watch him and he can watch both sides of me.

 

I was being flogged by a mistress and lost myself in a moment of out-of-body experience as others watched.

 

Well, I think we are watched constantly because the shades on our windows are practically see-through. We don’t mind if people see us.

 

20. How is your sexual persona different from the persona you present to the rest of the world?

In my everyday life, I’m a top. In bed, not so much.

 

For one thing, it’s a lot more fun. But mostly the rest of the world doesn’t want or need to know about my rope collection.

 

I don’t think people would look at me and say “Yeah, she likes it rough.” I am outgoing and funny, but I don’t look like the type of person you could smack around during sex.

 

Soooooo different! I am so sweet and innocent looking and acting, people who know me would die if they knew how raunchy and dirty I am in bed.

 

During the day, a professional who, by virtue of my job, is conservative. In bed, anything goes for me and I’m very verbal!

 

I’m much more passive sexually than I am in real life.

 

I think some of my students think I’m straight, and that blows my mind.

 

I am kinky while to the mainstream world I’m so normal and nice.

 

21. What would your utopian sexual society look like?

Everyone is beautiful, having nothing but great sex all the time, anytime, anywhere!

 

Polyamorous relationships would no longer be considered weird or dangerous. Jealousy would fade as sex was seen as a natural and healthy enterprise for all, and a communal experience.

 

More French. We (Americans/New Englanders) wouldn’t be so hung up on sex, nudity, and enjoyment.

 

Kate Beckingsale, Natalie Portman, Kiera Knightley, and Jessica Alba alone with me.

 

Monogamy feels normal.

 

Portland, Ore.

 

There would be me, my best friends, and several hundred hot men of all cock shapes and sizes—and no B-acne, super hairy bodies, or chewing tobacco would be allowed! Oh and lots and lots of batteries. Mmmm. I guess it would look a lot like The Land Before Time, but instead of cartoon dinosaurs, there would be semi-dressed people and man-eaters.

 

A society where women were no younger than 19, no older than 20 and they all wore Catholic schoolgirl outfits with no panties.

 

Women are in control and men have to please them whenever, wherever, whatever and cherish us like the goddesses we are!

 

Just like it does now.


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