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My
problem may not be as kinky as most you get, but it’s currently
terrorizing my thoughts. While in high school and early college,
I was fairly sexually repressed (right-wing, Bible-belt upbringing
and all that), so I used online chatrooms to explore my sexual
curiosity. I would find random pictures of people on the Internet,
normal and nude, and send them to others, pretending to be
the people in the photos I had found. I used both male and
female “identities,” as the gender wasn’t really what turned
me on—it was the exhibitionist nature of sharing photos, even
if they weren’t really me. I only traded with others claiming
to be 18-plus, and I never met anyone. It was all seemingly
harmless Internet fun.
Now I’m a 23-year-old heterosexual male, and I just began
dating a girl that I like a lot. The problem is that now I
seem to have recurring negative feelings about those online
experiences. Part of me feels like it was a terrible thing
to do, I’m an awful person for doing it, and it makes me feel
horrible. This same part compels me to “confess” this to my
new girlfriend and get it off my chest, which may appease
those concerns—but I imagine that it will also make me come
off as really creepy and weird. AHHH!!
—Confused
And Distraught
Ah,
the religious upbringing—that hellish gift that keeps on giving
you hell. Before those first pubes sprout, preachers are pounding
it into our heads that there’s only one correct way to express
ourselves sexually. We are then condemned to spend the rest
of our lives measuring our actual sexual desires and experiences—which
tend to be messy and perverse, as human beings tend to be
messy and perverse—against a simplistic, unachievable, stultifying,
and supposedly “blessed” sexual ideal.
Rest assured, CAD, adults that have indulged in nothing but
Bible-belt-approved hetero sex—that is, penis in vagina, strictly
within the bounds of matrimony, always open to conception—are
rarer than Laura Bush’s orgasms. Or American goals in a World
Cup match. Or sane Scientologists.
It’s time to stop beating up on yourself, kiddo. What you
did was completely innocent and, as adolescent exploration
of sexuality goes, completely harmless. You managed to safely
explore sexuality, fantasy, and gender without getting hurt
or hurting anyone. Oh, you may have raised some false hopes
in the folks you were chatting with, or helped to circulate
pictures that the original owners may not have wanted passed
around, but those are venal sins. If you do decide to tell
your girlfriend about your online games, CAD, don’t present
it as some deep, dark secret, but as something freaky and
funny you did when you were a teenager.
And, finally, you’re not alone—your behavior online is a lot
more common than you seem to think. The Internet is teeming
with people pretending to be what they’re not—from straight
women pretending to be gay men to hairy old fags pretending
to be smooth young twinks to FBI agents pretending to be 13-year-old
girls. So just chill the fuck out, OK?
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While I was making love to my wife, she asked me about
my fantasies. I shared with her that my fantasy was to watch
her have lesbian sex with one of her hot friends. I came home
a few days later to find my wife naked with her best friend!
She announced that it was time for my fantasy to come true,
and told me to sit down and enjoy it. After her friend left,
she told me that since my fantasy came true, she was entitled
to hers coming true. She then explained, for the first time,
that her fantasy was for me to watch her getting fucked by
two guys! I objected, and she said that because she did my
fantasy, I had to do her fantasy. She has now cut me off from
all sex and announced that until I arrange for her fantasy,
I am out of luck.
She is adamant that she is entitled to her fantasy being fulfilled
because she fulfilled mine. I do not agree, because I never
asked her to do what she did. What should I do?
—Don’t
Want Wife Fucked By Strangers
Sharing
a fantasy—a realizable one—is an implied request for fantasy
fulfillment, DWWFBS, although a fantasy shared during sex
requires some post-orgasm follow-up. (“Honey, were you serious
about . . . ?”) But the issue here isn’t whether you asked
the wife to fulfill your fantasy (you did), but that she didn’t
inform you about this quid pro quo before she chomped her
best friend’s box in front of you. If fulfilling your fantasy
obligated you to fulfill her fantasy, then she had an obligation
to disclose her fantasy in advance. Her failure to disclose
can only mean one thing: She knew you wouldn’t be into her
fantasy. So it’s not mutual sexual-fantasy fulfillment your
wife is engaged in, CAD, it’s sexual extortion.
So what should you do? Well, first you should ask your wife
this: If she had confessed her fantasy to you first, and you
ran out and found two guys to fuck her, would that obligate
her to consent to absolutely anything you wanted? If you wanted
to shit in her mouth, would she open wide? If you wanted to
fuck a double amputee, would she have her legs cut off?
Even if you succeed in making her see how unreasonable she’s
being, DWWFBS, that won’t make her fantasy go away. She digs
messing around with other people, and she really digs doing
it in front of her husband. Perhaps there’s a compromise you
can live with? Instead of two strangers, how about a three-way
with you and another guy? And instead of a stranger, how about
a friend? But if sharing your wife with another man is absolutely,
positively something that you’re unwilling to do, then tell
her she’s shit out of luck.
I am a Pennsylvania voter and I, too, am appalled at
what Sen. Rick Santorum represents in the U.S. Senate. However,
before jumping on the Bob Casey bandwagon, please note that
Mr. Casey is also anti-choice. The conscientious Pennsylvania
voter is thus faced with a profound lack of alternatives.
On balance, Casey is better than Santorum, but he is far from
a desirable candidate.
—Queasy
Undecided In Pennsylvania
Yes,
yes: Bob Casey is opposed to abortion. But by electing Casey
we would take out Rick “Frothy Mix” Santorum, a much more
rabidly antichoice senator. Frothy Mix doesn’t think you should
be able to choose masturbation, for crying out loud. Moreover,
electing Casey could help Democrats take back the Senate,
which will go a long way toward protecting choice, abortion
rights, and other sexual freedoms—despite Casey’s stance on
choice. So casting a vote for Casey, or sending a contribution
to Casey, is a pragmatic, progressive, pro-choice bankshot.
Electing one or two pro-life Dems is the price we’re going
to have to pay to put reliably pro-choice Dems in positions
of power all over the Senate.
And speaking of the ITMFA funds, people wrote in with tons
of great suggestions for where the next ITMFA check should
go, from Russ Feingold to Kinky Friedman to Jon Tester to
Americans United for Separation of Church and State. But I’m
going to go with Planned Parenthood. Not only is Planned Parenthood
a kick-ass group, but giving a chunk of dough to the pro-choicers
at Planned Parenthood neatly balances out, karma-wise, the
donation I’ve already made to Casey.
mail@savagelove.net
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