was dating an amazing guy—smart, funny, caring, and interesting.
I just wasn’t that attracted to him. I enjoyed hooking up
with him, but it was never one of those, “Oh man, I just have
to have you” things.
Enter my good friend, who I’d been harboring a crush on for
quite some time. I was sure he wasn’t interested in me, so
I didn’t think it would affect the relationship at all. We
were at a party—this was about three months into my relationship
with Boy No. 1—and it turned out that he was interested! And
since my attraction to him is extremely intense, we had sex.
I thought he would want to date me after that, so I broke
up with Boy No. 1. Turns out, it was just a one-night stand.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I still really like
Boy No. 1. Having sex with Boy No. 2 was a mistake, and if
I could go back and change it I would in a heartbeat. I know
you’re probably thinking, “Wow, what a bitch” right now, because
I am too! I feel terrible, but I want my old boyfriend back!
—Stupid Bitch In South Carolina
And why do you want Boy No. 1 back? It can’t be because he’s
smart, funny, caring, and interesting. Boy No. 1 was all those
things when you dumped him for Boy No. 2. And unless Boy No.
1 got a face-and-body transplant in the days after you dumped
him, the attraction problem is still going to be an issue,
and you probably won’t be able to resist the next good-looking
guy that comes along. So why do you want Boy No. 1 back?
Here’s a guess: You can’t stand the thought of being alone
while you wait for Boy No. 3 to come along—a hot guy who wants
to date you as much as he wants to fuck you—and so you want
Boy No. 1 to be your chump, to hang around and keep you entertained,
but just until it’s time to dump him again.
But—surprise!—Boy No. 1 isn’t interested in being your chump,
SBISC, and can you blame him? You fucked around on him, you
fucked with his ego, and you fucked with his emotions. Now
have the decency to fuck off.
a middle-aged guy, more twisted than most. I’m lucky enough
to be married to a very sexy lady who goes along with most
of my kinks, even to the point of visiting me while I’m taking
a bath and squatting down to give me a drink of her lovely
My question: She has given me a “free pass” to fulfill the
kinks that she is not quite up to. I’ve always wanted to have
a gay sex encounter, and I’d like to try it before I get too
old or chicken out. But I would look silly cruising a bar,
and I’m skeptical about Internet personal ads. Any ideas?
ideas, MAK. No advice, no guidance, no pointers.
You know why I got nothin’ for you, MAK? Because if we gay
guys aren’t allowed to be married—to each other—then you married
straight guys aren’t allowed to be gay. Not even once, not
even if you’re just going to put it in a little, not even
with the wife’s permission. (Married Canadian straight guys
can be as gay as they like, of course—have at it, fellas.)
18-years-old, dating a 24-year-old. We accidentally got pregnant
and are expecting in January. We love each other and we want
to stay together, but he doesn’t want to talk about getting
married. I would marry him in a heartbeat, but that’s not
the only problem. Because the pregnancy was an accident and
because I decided to keep it, I feel that he secretly resents
me and has lost attraction for me. His sex drive has gone
way down. We still have sex, but only because I beg him to.
He says he loves me and still thinks I’m attractive, but his
actions speak way louder than his words. I can’t talk to any
of my friends or family about it, because I don’t want anyone
to think badly of him or our relationship. I can’t even talk
to him anymore about it because I always end up crying. What
can I do?
Doesn’t your boyfriend read the papers, PAD? According to
the State of New York’s highest court, the institution of
marriage exists expressly to entice the likes of him—that
is, irresponsible straight boys—into marrying the likes of
you—that is, irresponsible straight girls. Since heterosexual
relationships are “often casual or temporary,” and since “unstable
relationships between people of the opposite sex present a
greater danger that children will be born into or grow up
in unstable homes,” the court found that the state can deny
same-sex couples—with kids, without kids, whatever—the right
to marry. Marriage is set aside exclusively for folks like
And you mean to tell me that your boyfriend doesn’t want to
marry you? What a fucking ingrate! I’m not sure what you can
do about it, PAD, but perhaps those justices in New York can
help you out. Maybe one of the justices can hold the shotgun
while another officiates?
am a straight man, married with kids. I’m happy, but I need
help. There’s something I want to try but my wife is scared.
I have always wanted to watch her getting banged by another
dude. I also want to get it on with a hot guy. I have talked
to her about it and all I can get her to do is talk about
boys we both find cute and a do little role-playing. How do
I get her to actively look for Mr. Right for both of us? How
come all women wanna get freaky with another girl but when
it come to male bi-ness the door is closed?
—In Need Of Hot Boy
great. Another letter from a legally married “straight” wannabe
Look, INOHB, while lots of women are turned on by the images
of men getting it on—there weren’t that many gay guys watching
the American version of Queer as Folk—many women feel
that a gay sex act somehow diminishes the masculinity of both
men involved. Is it fair? No. Is it a double standard? Yes.
What can be done about it? Not much.
As for your problem, INOHB, it’s like I told MAK: Until us
gay male cocksuckers can get married, I’m done helping out
married “straight” male cocksuckers.
any good books this summer, Dan?
yes, I have, BR. This summer I’ve enjoyed The End of Iraq
by Peter W. Galbraith; Virginity or Death! by Katha
Pollitt; Seventy Times Seven by Salvatore Sapienza;
and My Girlfriend Comes to the City and Beats Me Up by
Stephen Elliott. (That last title hasn’t been released yet—I
got an advance copy.) I recommend ’em all.