34-year-old sister, call her “Carrie,” came out to the family
a week ago and is looking for us all to support the decisions
she’s making surrounding her coming out.
Background: My sister has been somewhat happily married for
14 years and has four children all under the age of 12. She
wants to move her kids 3,000 miles away to be with the woman
she has fallen in love with—call her “Louise.” Louise is also
married with kids. Both are stay-at-home moms. Carrie and
Louise have met in person three times over three months. The
first time was through a mothers’ support group. The second
time they met they got drunk and hooked up. About a month
after this, they spent a long weekend together with their
kids. They are now in love, speak on the phone several times
a day, and have both told their husbands and families.
Louise has told Carrie that she won’t move, as she wants her
kids to be able to see their father on a regular basis and
doesn’t think she could win custody. She has asked my sister
to move with her kids to be with her and her kids. My sister’s
husband wants to be able to see his children and plans to
ask that she be required to stay in the state as part of their
custody agreement. My sister is willing to fight this tooth
and nail so that she can be with Louise. My sister has no
money of her own.
My question is this: How do I support my sister but still
make sure that she doesn’t back herself into a legal and financial
quagmire over a person she has met only three times?
would you even consider supporting your sister?
Backing up for a moment: Your sister has made two separate
and distinct decisions, CS, and your family needs to keep
them separate. First, your sister has decided to come out
as a lesbian. You can support the hell out of that—shit, throw
her dyke ass a coming-out party. Second, your sister has decided
to do something so colossally stupid, so selfish and cruel,
that you would be guilty of supportive-sibling malpractice
if you, out of loyalty or guilt or cowardice, offered her
even your tepid support.
So your sister’s a lesbian—fabulous. But that doesn’t give
her the right to interfere with her soon-to-be ex-husband’s
right to have a relationship with his children. And what of
her children’s right to have a relationship with their father?
In this instance, CS, your familial allegiance to your nieces
and nephews and, yes, to your brother-in-law, outweighs whatever
allegiance you owe your sister. She’s selfishly fucking over
her husband—a human being and a member of your family, too—as
well as their kids, not only taking them from their father,
but from the rest of their family, their friends, and their
schools. And all for what? Because she’s a lesbian now? No,
because she’s a selfish, love-struck dumbfuck planning to
run off with someone she barely knows.
Don’t let your sister manipulate you into supporting her selfish,
stupid decision by presenting it to you as some intrinsic
aspect of her lesbianism. (Bad haircuts, well-trimmed fingernails,
and cunnilingus? Intrinsic aspects of lesbianism. Fucking
over your whole family? Not so much.) You can’t allow your
fear of being accused of homophobia prevent you from telling
your sister to her pussy-chompin’ face that she’s in the wrong.
When she plays the homophobia card, tell her you would feel
exactly the same way if she were leaving her husband for a
man she barely knew.
Finally, tell your sister from me that if she wants to have
her family’s support, then she and her new love have to earn
it. For the sake of her kids, for the sake of her soon-to-be
ex, she needs to stay put. She’ll have plenty of opportunity
to fly out to see her new love on the weekends when her ex
has the kids. If she whines about how hard long-distance relationships
are, tell her that being left for another person is hard,
too, to say nothing of watching your parents’ marriage fall
apart. Her husband is suffering, her kids are suffering—why
the fuck shouldn’t she?
You write that you met your boyfriend “when I was 23”
11 years ago. C’mon, Dan! You’re not 34 (23 + 11, as the column
says), at least according to multiple online sources. (Wikipedia
can be edited, but it’s got the same date as IMDB and lots
of other places.) Lying about your age is beneath you!
Utterly Saddened To Encounter Deceit
You’re right, BUSTED, I really shouldn’t lie about my age.
But I worry that people won’t take my love-and-sex advice
seriously when they learn that I’m only 27 and I’ve been with
the same guy for 11 years. Readers might conclude that I can’t
know all that much about dating, relationships, and heartbreak
if I’ve been with the same guy since my junior year of high
school. But I guess the cat’s out of the bag now—damn you,
I am a professional dominatrix located in Boston. I
read the inquiry from the clueless, potential male submissive
in last week’s column. My first thought on reading of Cock
Blue Today’s antics with his penis and the frying pan was
that his letter was made up. My second thought was no, this
is just too stupid and random to be fiction.
You were absolutely correct in your response. He was worried
about meeting a dominant for fear that she wouldn’t care about
doing “permanent damage” to him. Of course a professional
dominatrix cares if she does permanent damage! That is why
we are professionals and not crack-smoking harridans mindlessly
wielding whips. Jesus. I wanted to put my boot in his ass
for asking such an idiotic question. We wouldn’t be in business
if we left quivering, destroyed heaps of man meat in our wake.
(That costs extra.)
Why don’t you put me in contact with this clown? He needs
tutoring in common sense as well as the scene in general.
the Laughing Mistress of Boston
In CBT’s defense, Ava, he wasn’t looking to meet a professional
dominatrix—but a dominant, sadistic woman. And while I can’t
put you in touch with CBT, Ava, I’ve included the address
of your Web site in case he wants to get in touch with you.
Hey, Everybody: So I’m going to start doing a podcast. The
kids love ’em, you see, and I won’t be able to get this Steve
Jobs guy off my back until I start doing one. Have you ever
wanted to ask me a question but lost your nerve or sobered
up before you could send me an e-mail? Well, now you’ll be
able to drunk-dial me and record a question from the comfort
of that bar, washroom, bedroom, or dungeon. The number: (206)
201-2720. Call and ask, I’ll listen and advise. When the podcast
launches I’ll announce it in this space.
Short Items: Evangelical Christians are addicted to pornography,
according to a survey by Chris tiaNet.com. But like drunks
for prohibition, the American Taliban is agitating to get
porn removed from hotel rooms. (Check out the new Web site
www.CleanHotels.com.) Meanwhile, the school board in Canton,
Ohio, has added contraception to their sex-ed programs—it
had been abstinence only—when they realized that 13 percent
of the female students at one high school were pregnant. Good
work, American Taliban!