am a 22-year-old woman, generally happy, but I have a problem
with cheating. My peers seem to have no problems staying faithful,
but I do. I have never been faithful to anyone, and I have
had many relationships with men and women. Some found out,
some didn’t. I have finally found someone I feel like I can
spend the rest of my life with, I am happy with him on every
level, but I still cheat. I have been told this could be sociopathic,
but I’m not sure. I have always really loved sex, all kinds,
and have done everything short of urine/feces or anything
illegal. I don’t have any guilt, but I don’t want my boyfriend
to find out and leave me, or worse, stay with me as I continue
to break his heart through constant cheating. Would therapy
help? I hope you have some advice. I just wish I could stop.
Kraves Acrobatic Nookie Konstantly
You say it’s not the skanking around that’s making you unhappy—you
enjoy the sex, you enjoy multiple partners, you enjoy everything
short of urine/feces/criminal. If you’re telling the truth—if
you’re not glossing over some deep-seated pain—the sex isn’t
the problem. What’s troubling you is the deceit. You’re worried
that this boy, like the boys and girls before him, will be
hurt when he finds out you’re a lying, cheating skank.
But you can be a skank—and I’m using the term in the sex-positive
sense—without lying or cheating. Have you tried being honest
with potential boyfriends and girlfriends about your tastes
and track record? Where there are no lies of commission or
omission, SKANK, there’s no deceit. And where there’s no deceit,
there are no boys whose hearts are broken when they find out
they are being cheated on. Let prospective partners know who
you are and what you’re about before things get serious, SKANK,
and your problem will be solved—i.e., boys and girls who want
monogamy won’t get involved with you. You’ll encounter some
rejection, sure, but if you keep the honesty thing up, sooner
or later you’ll find a partner who doesn’t mind/thoroughly
enjoys being cheated on. Ta-da, everybody wins.
Now, my advice would conclude with the previous paragraph
if it weren’t for the last line of your letter: “I just wish
I could stop.” If that’s how you truly feel, SKANK, then perhaps
there is something pathological about your behavior. And here’s
a little more evidence that your sexual adventures may not
be coming from a particularly healthy place: Someone like
you, SKANK, surely knows that there are men and women out
there—wannabe swingers, the polyamorous, the growing legions
of cuckold fetishists—that would kill to be with a woman like
you. The fact that you haven’t sought out any of these people
and have instead dated and deceived the monogamously inclined
is revealing. And what it reveals isn’t pretty: If you’ve
avoided the swingers, the polyamorous, and the cuckold fetishists,
SKANK, and sought out only guys and girls that will be hurt
by your actions, then you’re not skanking around because you
enjoy it. You’re doing it to wound and drive off people who
attempt to get close to you. And that’s something you should
definitely hash out with a shrink.
I’m a recent college grad who’s having a tough time meeting
a nice girl. I’m above average in terms of looks (I work out
regularly) and I’m pretty smart (I went to a top school).
My problem is that I’m not outgoing, but very shy. This is
probably the reason I’m not a big fan of the bar scene. Is
there some way or place I can meet cute, smart girls in a
more comfortable setting? Thanks.
You, my friend, need a gay friend. A fun-lovin’, presentable,
passable male homo who wants to go out drinking with you,
will get shit-faced with you, and, when he notices a girl
checking you out or you checking out a girl, will push you
in the girl’s direction or walk up to her and ask if his cute-but-painfully-shy
straight friend can buy her a drink. Women love cute-but-shy
guys with gay friends. Trust me.
You can return the favor by going to gay bars with your gay
friend, getting shit-faced with him, dancing shirtless with
him, and telling anyone who hits on you that you’re hopelessly
straight but that your gay friend here is single and awesome.
Finally, DMB, if your gay friend hooks you up with the woman
you wind up marrying, he not only gets to be your best man,
but he also has the option of blowing you immediately before
the ceremony. The gay mafia is pretty strict about enforcing
this last provision.
Here’s the deal. I’ve been married for under a year. I,
wifey, have been bad—the “trifecta” of controlling, insecure,
jealous, and irrational, and it all got 100 times worse once
we got engaged. I was bad; I made him miserable. I am now
doing well in therapy, much improvement in recent months.
The problem? No sex. Hubby doesn’t want. Able, not willing.
We have sex maybe twice a month and only at my insistence.
He was not as affectionate when we first got married (I was
super-bad then), but now is much more so, very affectionate,
no skimping on the hugs and kisses. He treats me very well
and says he loves me—but he just avoids sex. The worst part
is sometimes we’ll be making out and I can feel his hard-on
but he just won’t act on it. He likes porn and girls (women—not
little girls) so I know he has the appetite—just not for me.
I know my trifecta turned him off, but I also know that he’s
warmed up as I’ve gotten better. And I’m going nuts waiting.
hubby some time to adjust to the new, improved wifey, SIW.
By your own admission you were a raging bitch for the duration
of your engagement and three-quarters of your married life
thus far. While it’s swell that you’ve gotten a handle on
your controlling, insecure, jealous, and irrational behavior—that’s
a “quadfecta,” technically, not a “trifecta”—it’s gonna take
more than a few months of good behavior before hubby begins
to see you as the woman he proposed to and not the fucking
nutjob he married. I’d say you’re gonna need to be sane for
at least as long as you were batshitcrazy before you can expect
things to return to normal.
Despite the desire of so many to avoid labels and the various
stigmas attached to them, Homo sapiens seem to be “hard-wired”
with a desire to name and categorize people and things and
feelings. Some friends of mine in Orlando came up with a fun,
catchy, and well-meaning name for a girl in the “Not One Of
Those Bisexuals” predicament. NOOTB didn’t want to identify
as bi because most of the 18-year-old bi girls she’s known
were just drunken straight girls, and she didn’t want to identify
as a dyke because she likes boys, too.
That makes her a BYKE—a bi-identified dyke. Works for bi girls
in lesbian relationships (like me), bi girls who prefer women
more than men (like me), and lots of other situations that
I can’t even imagine, I’m sure. Sign me . . .
You Keep Educatin’
for sharing, BYKE.