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I’m working with Wikipedia, where we’re currently debating the “Donkey Punch.” It may not be real, but Wikipedia has articles on perpetual motion, sewer alligators, and creationism—so why not Donkey Punching? The difference, though, is that the Donkey Punch (fucking someone in the ass and then punching them hard in the back of the head or neck, so that the sudden pain and/or unconsciousness causes the asshole to constrict spasmodically) is a lot more short-term dangerous. Therefore, some editors have said the article should specify just how risky and possibly even criminal it is.

A statement about the physical and legal risks of the Donkey Punch, although we may think it self-evident, must come from a reputable source. And who’s more reputable than Dan Savage? So, yes, even though this is a stupid, brutal hoax whose risks and fraudulent nature should be readily apparent, and even though the Wikipedia article already quotes your description of it as “a sex act that exists only in the imaginations of adolescent boys,” could you spare a few lines to say that punching someone in the back of the head or neck when they’re not expecting it can cause horrible damage and may even be criminal?

—An Encyclopedia Geek

Who’s more reputable than Dan Savage? I can think of a few hundred million people on the North American continent alone. But, hey, so long as my Wikipedia page—which, for the record, I did not author and only found out about when a Web-savvy youngster brought it to my attention—features that hyperflattering photo of me, I’m happy to do my part for them.

Donkey Punching, kids? You’ve heard people joke about it and other extreme and/or stupid sex acts. But while attempting your Hot Karls, Icy Mikes, or Louisville Pluggers is unlikely to result in injury, death, or incarceration, attempting a Donkey Punch can lead to any or all of these unpleasant outcomes. And not only is the Donkey Punch dangerous and likely to land your ass in jail, the damn thing doesn’t even work.

“To the best of my knowledge, there is no definitive reflex in the human neurophysiology that induces involuntary tightening of the anal sphincter after receiving blunt-force trauma to the occiput, or back of the head,” says Dr. Jeffrey Bahr, a faculty member at the Medical College of Wisconsin. So your lover’s asshole is not going to spasm round your dick if you give ’em a Donkey Punch. Your lover could, however, drop dead.

“Trauma to any part of the skull can have serious ramifications,” says Dr. Bahr. “Pain, intracranial hemorrhage, memory loss, neck injury, and possibly some related sensory deficits in the arms and legs. A strong enough blow to the back of an unsuspecting person’s head could result in a vertebral fracture which, I hope most people know, could cause paralysis or even death.”

Does it even need to be said? No jury will accept “I was just curious about whether Donkey Punching really worked” as a defense. Attempt a Donkey Punch and it’s likely that your asshole will wind up constricting spasmodically—around your cellmate’s cock.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for three years and we often enjoy toe-curling sex. But in order for my girlfriend to enjoy it, she needs to smoke pot. We’ve tried sober sex, but it’s lukewarm and she doesn’t come. Should we be worried about her needing this crutch?

—Pretty Reliant On Pot

Google “marijuana,” PROP, and wedged in there with the stories about this week’s numerous, ineffectual pot busts—so many pot busts, so little trouble buying pot—you’ll find this: A study conducted by the reputable Scripps Research Institute in California found that marijuana’s active ingredient—tetrahydrocannabinol or THC—is more effective at preventing Alzheimer’s disease than any of the legal drugs on the market today. (It may be too late to save Ronald Reagan, but anyone out there that wants to avoid his diapered fate would be well advised to smoke up.)

And now it looks like we should add “helps at least one woman out there achieve orgasm” to pot’s ever-expanding list of beneficial effects. As that is the case, I would encourage you to regard marijuana with a little less suspicion and a little more gratitude. Look at it this way: If you wind up marrying this woman and spending the rest of your life with her, your wife will never have to fake an orgasm and she’ll always know who you are.

Don’t Fuck Animals writes in: “To me, the foremost rule of sexual ethics is consent, something animals are incapable of granting.” Sounds so simple, doesn’t it? So when we see animals fucking, should we break it up?

—Good For The Goose

No, GFTG, of course not. Animals can grant consent to other animals. How do they do it? Well, through some sort of animal mind-meld and/or nonverbal animal communication. But they can only communicate like this, and consent to sex, with other animals. And humans aren’t anima—Oh, wait, never mind. Next question . . .

It’s not every week that I find myself in front of the computer jumping up and down yelling “Yes! Yes! Thank you!” But your advice to GREEN, whose boyfriend is a controlling jackass, was so right-on I couldn’t control myself.

I had a boyfriend in college who pulled the same crap on me. Particularly the moody silent treatment when I glanced in the direction of another guy. Dan, you did not paint too bleak a picture. My ex turned me into a nervous wreck. It was like living in a minefield, never knowing when some unintentional misstep would cause an explosion. I finally did DTMFA, but not before doing serious damage to some longstanding friendships.

GREEN, dumping the bastard will accomplish two things: It will give him the opportunity to learn that he can’t treat people like shit and it will give you the opportunity to build up your self-respect. You will look back years from now, from the comfort of a happy and mutually respectful relationship, and be very grateful that you DTMFA’d that guy.

—Girl Got Out

Regarding GREEN: First bad advice ever, Dan.

—Ten Year Reader

My advice to GREEN: Best ever, or totally suck-shit? An absolutely massive sampling of the mail—including lots of letters from men who were involved with women who used jealousy as a weapon—can be read at www.the stranger.com/savage/green.

 

Wanna become a Savage Love listener? My very first podcasts—brought to you by some tech-savvy youngsters—are ready to download at www.thestranger.com/savagelove. If you want to record a question for a future podcast, call (206) 201-2720. And, no, that’s not a toll-free number, bitches. Deal.

mail@savagelove.net


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