a 24-year-old male with a 28-year-old girlfriend. We’ve been
together for a year and I love her with all my heart. We get
along, she makes me laugh, and she even plays video games
with me. How awesome is that?
But our sex life is less than great. I know there are guys
out there who will hate me for saying this, but the problem
is my cock. It’s too big. I’m 6’ 3” and she’s a foot shorter.
I love oral sex, but she can’t perform it on me, as it hurts
her mouth and jaw. I’ve tried to work with her to find a solution,
but she gets too embarrassed and has basically given up trying.
Also, if we have vaginal intercourse for more than 15 minutes
she’s almost too sore to walk the next day. She is extremely
shy in all sexual matters. Is there any way we can reach something
good for both of us?
Wants Oral Loving
P.S. Thanks a million, and keep up the good work. Also, I’m
from Pennsylvania and I’m not voting for douche bag. You know
who I mean.
I don’t normally answer questions from guys complaining about
their big dicks. It’s not that a big dick can’t be problematic.
It’s just that any time I run a letter from a guy complaining
about his big dick, AWOL, guys with tiny dicks start CC’ing
me on their suicide notes. It’s depressing.
But I’m making an exception for you, AWOL, because running
your letter gives me one last chance to implore the people
of Pennsylvania to get out there and vote Rick Santorum out
of office on Tuesday, Nov. 7. The eyes of the nation are upon
you, Pennsylvania! Don’t let us down! Wipe Santorum off the
floor of the Senate!
Okay, AWOL, your dick isn’t the problem here; your girlfriend
is. She sounds swell, what with the relating and laughing
and video-game playing, but her shyness about sex coupled
with her unwillingness—not her inability, but her unwillingness—to
communicate with you about sex is the problem. Do you even
realize what you’re doing, AWOL? You’re blaming the victim!
I want you to look in the mirror and say this over and over
again until you believe it: “My dick didn’t do anything wrong.
It’s not a crime to be big. There are plenty of guys with
big dicks out there who fall in love with petite partners,
male and female, who by working together as a couple learn
to accommodate each other’s special features and physical
And here are two ways to do that . . .
Oral sex: By choosing to stay with her, AWOL, you’re choosing
a future without deep throating, face fucking, or long, leisurely
blowjobs. Take a moment to grieve. But tell yourself you can
still have oral sex. Your girlfriend has to be willing to
wrap both of her slobbery fists around your shaft and then
work just the head of your cock with her mouth, and you have
to be willing to regard that as the best blowjob you can reasonably
expect, under the circumstances. It may not be full-blown
head, AWOL, but it feels damn close.
Vaginal intercourse: Work within that 15-minute time limit,
AWOL. Place your cock between the top of her thighs, running
from the bottom of her twat, along her taint, and up the crack
of her ass. Ask her to clamp her thighs together, then hump
her for as long as you like. Be sure to give attention to
her clit, AWOL, so there’s something in this for her. Then
when you’re close, go inside for the last 10 minutes.
These accommodations are not only pleasurable, AWOL, but they
will also take the buzz-killing pressure off your long-suffering
girlfriend. Right now she’s on a negative-feedback loop: Every
time she blows you or you fuck her, she winds up sore or suffering.
Break the link in her mind between sex and discomfort, AWOL,
and you’ll get your sex life roaring again. Good luck.
A few years ago, I was involved with a guy who revealed
himself to be a dangerous person. Let’s call him “Ducks.”
He was a pathological liar. He threw screaming tantrums. He
made himself seem so pathetic that most of his friends and
I put up with his abuse because we didn’t think he would survive
on his own. Eventually, we cut off all contact with him.
A year later I received a phone call from Ducks’ college roommate.
He was concerned about Ducks’ treatment of his new girlfriend.
He asked me specific questions about Ducks. At first, I was
reluctant about getting involved, but after the roommate described
Ducks’ behavior (lying, screaming, tantrums), I told him that
yes, that was “typical” behavior. He asked if it had escalated
into something worse. I told him it had. The roommate then
put the girlfriend on the phone. She begged me to tell her
how much worse. I told her of a specific instance of extreme
psychological abuse. She ended her relationship with Ducks,
and his roommate kicked him out. He was kicked out of college
two weeks later for academic reasons. Now Ducks’ family blames
me for their son’s difficulties, and I feel guilty about saying
anything at all.
Should I have let Ducks’ girlfriend find out for herself if
Ducks was still the same person? Or should someone who has
been abused warn the next possible victim?
Out Ain’t Too Simple
feel guilty, BOATS. You didn’t go out of your way to persecute
or harass Ducks—you didn’t create a Web site, you weren’t
putting up posters with his picture on them, and you didn’t
seek out his new girlfriend. You answered a direct question
about your experiences with Ducks. Period. You were under
no obligation to cover for him, and it’s past time that Ducks
and his family learned that he isn’t going to be able to run
around abusing and manipulating people forever without suffering
Wisconsin needs your help! On Tuesday, Nov. 7, we’re
voting on an amendment banning gay marriage. As a married,
hetero male I’m supposed to feel threatened by gays getting
married, but I’m smart enough to realize it doesn’t affect
me at all. I also realize that I got to marry whomever I wanted,
and everyone should have that right. Urge your readers in
Wisconsin to vote NO on the marriage amendment. Thanks!
put it better than I could, JIW. I would add: The amendment
in Wisconsin bans gay marriage and civil unions. Vote no.
And to my readers in Colorado, Idaho, South Carolina,
Tennessee, Virginia, Arizona, and South Dakota: Please vote
against the gay-marriage bans in your states, too. And in
South Dakota, please vote to overturn your state’s idiotic
abortion ban. And to my readers in Canada: Be glad you don’t
have to put up with any of this shit.
I had never had an orgasm in my life—despite my own and other
people’s best efforts—until the age of 18. First hit of crappy
weed with a cooperative boyfriend and—bam!—six orgasms in
five minutes. When people ask me why I’m pro-legalization
I mutter something about bourgeoning prison populations. I
do not say that pot saved my sex life.
for sharing, FG. For more about pot and sex, go to www.thestranger.com/savage/pot.