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I’m
a smoker and my partner is a nonsmoker. He says his face goes
numb when I give him head. His theory is that the penis is
permeable and is absorbing the nicotine in my saliva. It’s
a good theory, but it’s only his face that goes numb—his cheeks
and lips, not his whole head or his dick head. He really enjoys
it so it’s not a problem. I’m just curious whether or not
he’s right.
—Not
Underestimating My Blowjobs
I haven’t the faintest idea what’s happening to your boyfriend’s
face, NUMB, but I’ve seen pictures of what’s happening to
your lungs. My advice: Quit smoking—and if your boyfriend’s
facial numbness during blowjobs subsides, well, then you were
right about the nicotine. Don’t want to quit smoking? Then
your boyfriend should find some other mouth to stuff his junk
into.
I’m sorry if that answer wasn’t very helpful. Or sympathetic.
But smoking? Ick. Stop already. Yuck. Gross. Blech.
Moving on, I was all set to do a really kick-ass column this
week on cuckolding—wherein a straight man watches, or is told
about, another man having sex with his wife or girlfriend—when
one of my coworkers walked in with a pan of pumpkin-pot cake.
She told us that the cake was a complete failure as a drug;
she had eaten two pieces the night before and didn’t get high
at all. It was, however, pretty tasty cake, so she brought
it in to work to share with everybody.
Well, it seems that my coworker’s tolerance for THC is lots
higher than mine. I had one little sliver of cake—maybe two—and
now I’m so fucking baked I can hardly see my laptop. I shouldn’t
be writing a column in this condition—goodness, what if someone
were to actually take my advice?—but deadlines are deadlines
and no editor will accept performance de-hancing drugs as
an excuse for missing one. So I set aside the contentious
cuckolding issue until next week and scrounged up a few questions
that, even stoned, I can’t screw up. Or can I?
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As an 18-year-old Canadian gal, I feel compelled to
tell you that you rock. On to business: Forgive me if this
is an asinine question (how often do you hear that?), but
how do I put it tactfully to my boyfriend of 1.5 years (and
going alarmingly strong!) that I think I want to do him with
a strap-on, in part because I’m pretty sure from things he’s
said that he’d enjoy it? Is there even a way to put it non-bluntly?
I would rather suggest it subtly if I can. Any information
regarding obtaining said object, such as prices, sizes, etc.,
would also be much appreciated.
—Timid
In Toronto
You think you want to do him in the butt with a strap-on?
Well, TIT, I think I speak for all straight boys everywhere
when I say this: No straight boy is going to offer up his
butt cherry to a girl who isn’t completely certain
that pegging his ass is something she absolutely, positively
wants to do. Not something she’s contemplating, TIT,
not something she’s mulled over. Because the last thing
a straight boy wants to hear once he’s face down, lubed up,
and white knuckling the sides of the mattress is . . . “Naaaaaah,
I guess not . . . ”
Actually, that’s the second-to-last thing he wants to hear.
The very last thing he wants to hear is, “I didn’t know there
would be so much blood.”
So before you broach the subject, TIT, you’re going to need
to commit. You need to present this idea to him with so much
passion and fire that he understands that you wanna,
that you gotta, fuck that beautiful little ass of his.
Can you accomplish this while being tactful, non-blunt, and
subtle? No, no, and no. There simply isn’t a tactful, non-blunt,
subtle way to tell a man—any man, porn star or virgin, gay
or straight—that you want fuck his ass. There is no comforting
euphemism, no way to soften the blow. It would be easier to
drop “I’m pregnant” or “You have leukemia” or “That was my
dad who got arrested for fucking a dead deer by the side of
the road” into a casual conversation. You’re just going to
have to let him have it, TIT, if you ever want to let him
have it.
As for pegging supplies and equipment, check out the goods
at these fine websites: www.babeland.com, www.goodvibes.com,
www.grandopening.com, www.comeasyouare.com, www.venusenvy.ca,
and www.womynsware.com.
I am a huge fan and never thought that I would be writing
you a letter like this. But how can you denounce the actions
of the Craigslist asshole who exposed all of those kinky fellas
a few months back, then turn around and praise the actions
of the male prostitute who outed Ted Haggard?
Don’t get me wrong, I think Haggard is a hypocritical douchebag.
But isn’t what the prostitute did worse than what the Craigslist
asshole did, since sex workers are paid as much for privacy
as they are for sex?
—Don’t
Be A Hypocrite, Dan
The
crucial difference between the Craigslist asshole and Mike
Jones, the escort who outed Haggard, is this: CLA outed men
who were just minding their own kinky business and looking
for people who shared their kinks. They were not powerful
political or religious figures who were indulging in kinky
sex while at the same time pushing laws that stripped other
kinky folks of their right to wed, adopt, be free from harassment,
etc. The men the CLA outed were not towering hypocrites—and
Jones outed Haggard for his hypocrisy, not his homosexuality.
I’m an average guy, not a big stud. My relationships
with women have usually been long ones, never quick affairs
or one-night stands. But there is this woman at work who,
little by little, I have become attracted to. I have been
having dreams, real-hot fantasies, about her. I found out
she is going to leave her job and pretty much move away. I
probably won’t see her again. Any suggestions on how I can
approach this without sounding like an asshole?
—Clueless
On The Job
Nope.
All unwelcome advances are made by assholes, COTJ, while all
welcome advances are made by non-assholes. But since it is
the reaction of the advanced-upon that determines asshole
status (i.e., if she wants to fuck you then you’re not an
asshole), and since you can’t know if an advance is unwelcome
until after you’ve made it, you have to risk sounding like
an asshole or you’ll never get laid. No one ever gets laid
without sounding like an asshole every once in a while. So
are you an asshole? There’s only one way to find out: Hit
on her. Be respectful and upbeat about it, and do it at an
appropriate moment (after-work drinks?), and wait until she’s
no longer employed at the place where you work, particularly
if she works under you. But you’re going to have to risk sounding
like an asshole, COTJ, or you’ll never get laid.
A
new Savage Love podcast is available for download every Tuesday
at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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