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My
boyfriend and I are currently doing the long-distance thing,
as I’m finishing up some schooling. About two months ago during
some dirty phone talk he said he’d been masturbating while
thinking about me fucking another man while he watches.
This was unexpected. In the past, I screwed around on boyfriends.
He knows this, but I thought he also understood that I only
want to be with him and that I am not interested in additional
male partners. He brings this scenario up whenever we’re having
phone sex or we’re together and he’s aroused. When he’s not
hard, he says that the thought of my being with another guy
is gut wrenching and awful, but when he is aroused, he tells
me that he really wants me to do this.
I’m confused. Previously, partners have brought up unexpected
stuff in bed and I’ve rolled with it (bondage, strap-ons,
etc.), but they were always able to talk about it later—what
it was about, why it was a turn-on, etc. My current man gets
upset when I try to talk about it outside of sex. Are you
familiar with this sort of drastic, disgusted, after-the-fact
denial?
—Unsure
About The Cuckold Thing
Yeah,
UATCT, I’m familiar with the drastic, disgusted, after-the-fact
denial. When I first came out—back before I knew better—I
fucked a handful of “straight” guys. And let me tell you,
UATCT, the shit that comes out of the mouths of closet cases
just before and all during sex will turn your hair white and/or
make your dick hard. No one begs to be fucked quite as sincerely,
graphically, or desperately as some frat boy who hasn’t reconciled
himself to being gay quite yet.
But, oh, the moment a closet case gets what he came for—the
moment he comes—his tone changes dramatically. Not only does
he stop begging to be fucked, he will deny he ever wanted
to be fucked in the first place. The truly messed-up ones
would even deny that they had been fucked at all, never mind
the evidence all over their abs. And any attempts to address
their absurd denials—“What do you mean you’ve never been fucked?
My cock is still in your ass . . . ”—were a waste of
time.
Like those “straight” frat boys I fucked back at the University
of Illinois, your boyfriend wants it. He wants you to fuck
around with another guy, preferably in front of him. But he
doesn’t wanna want it and wishes it would go away.
And it does go away, just like magic, immediately after
he comes. Unfortunately, it comes roaring back as soon
as he’s horny again.
Where did his cuckold fetish come from? Like many fetishes,
his cuckold thing is most likely a subconscious, erotic response
to a sexually charged fear. While most of us learn to live
with and occasionally conquer our fears without eroticizing
them, a number of us respond to sexual fears or traumas by
incorporating them into our erotic imaginations. Think of
women—hip, together, progressive, feminist women—who act out
rape fantasies; think of the homos—hip, together, out homos—who
dress up like soldiers, cops, firemen, and other stereotypically
violent, homophobic types.
So women fear rape, yet some develop a fetish for it. Gay
men fear violent homophobes, yet some dress up like violent
homophobes. And what do many straight men fear? Being cheated
on, of course, and dealing with that particular brand of sexual
humiliation. Your boyfriend has, consciously or subconsciously,
eroticized his fears around your cheating on him—and that’s
not an entirely irrational fear, UATCT, considering your past.
Cuckolding may seem like some sort of brand-new fetish, but
it’s not. We’re hearing more about it now because of the Internet.
But while straight women have long been free to share and
explore their rape fantasies with their male partners, and
gay men can share their homophobe fantasies with each other,
married straight men into cuckolding have a harder time of
it. A rape fantasy, however charged, or a homophobe fantasy,
however comical, is easy to realize. (“Hold me down.” “Wear
this uniform.”) A cuckold fantasy, on the other hand, is infinitely
more complicated. Not only does the wannabe cuckold have to
talk his partner into it, he also has to find a willing third.
It wasn’t until sites like www.cuckoldplace.com and www.adultcommunitiesonline.com/ourhotwives
came along that cuckold fetishists—or “cucks,” as some insist
on calling themselves—were able to create a community of sorts,
put a name to their desires, and swap tips on broaching the
subject with their wives and girlfriends.
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I’m among the “growing legions” of cuckold fetishists.
My wife is a Hot Little Slut, and she’s happy to accommodate
my fantasy. Recently, while at an out-of-town seminar, my
HLS hooked up with a guy and gave him a blowjob. She did a
repeat when he was in our area on business. The guy, also
married, assumes that my HLS is having sex without my knowledge.
We don’t believe we have an ethical obligation to notify “one-nighters”
that HLS will be sharing the dirty details with her “wronged”
husband later. However, the issue seems less clear with regulars.
If there is an obligation to inform, when does it begin?
—Husband
Into Slut
I
don’t believe HLS has a moral obligation to share the dirty
details with “one-nighters” she meets at seminars, truck stops,
celebrity weddings, etc.
Regulars, however, have a right to know what’s up—but only
if they inquire. As I see it, HIS, your wife’s regulars believe
they’re putting something over on you. That you’re actually
putting one over on them, well, that’s a classic double-cross.
You’re cheating the cheater, robbing the robber, spying on
the spy. But if, as many cuckold fetishists agree, it’s hotter
when the other guy rubs your nose in his enjoyment of your
wife, then you should inform him—because this is, or should
be, about you and your wife, HIS, your pleasure, and your
sex lives.
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So there are “legions of men,” to use your words, who
are into cuckolding. Fantastic. So is my husband. The problem
is that I find the idea of humiliating my husband like this
revolting. I don’t want to have sex with other men and I cry
when he talks about his fantasies. It’s only been in the last
year that things have progressed to this level of incompatibility.
Is there any chance he’ll move on to something other than
someone else’s come in my pussy?
I had no idea I’d be at this point in life with a problem
like this.
—Wife
With Worries
Cuckolding
isn’t oral, it isn’t light bondage, it isn’t the husband wanting
to wear your panties. Like scat or hardcore sadism, cuckolding
is “a fetish too far,” meaning it’s not a fetish your husband
has a right to expect that you’ll indulge. As the stakes are
high, emotionally and physically, the wife has to wanna or
it’s off the table.
So, WWW, you have a right to say, “You have to drop this.
It’s terribly upsetting to me. You can fantasize about it
whenever you like, but this isn’t something I’m ever going
to be able to do for you.” Then, for the sake of your marriage,
he has to promise not to bring it up. You, for your part,
have to promise not to obsess about what might be going through
his mind when you two do have sex.
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