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This
isn’t the sort of question you usually answer, but I hope
you will consider it anyway.
I was in a good relationship with a guy, Enis for naming’s
sake, for three years. About a year ago, Enis asked me if
we could have anal sex. I might lose your sympathy here, but
I have no interest in anal sex at all. I had a traumatic experience
with anal sex that resulted in some permanent damage; I cannot
do it without a lot of pain.
I told Enis no and that I was surprised he asked given my
past. I offered to do him, if that was what he was looking
for. He refused, telling me he wasn’t gay. He asked me to
reconsider a few more times, but I always told him no. Enis
even attempted to just “add it in” while we were having sex
once. It fucking hurt, and I flipped out on him. I told him
I wasn’t going to change my mind, and if he had to have anal
sex then he could have it with someone else, giving him an
out if it mattered that much to him.
A month ago, we were making love. I was restrained to the
bed; we did this all the time. The next thing I knew, he’s
fingering my anus. I told him to stop, but he wouldn’t. He
took his time, stretching and lubing. I was screaming and
crying for him to stop the whole time. I won’t get into how
much it hurt, but suffice it to say, I nearly passed out from
blood loss as a result of his tearing open old scars. He freaked
out when he saw the amount of blood on the bed and called
911. (This was after he’d had an orgasm). I spent a week in
the hospital and ended up with 30 stitches to rerepair the
damage. I’m still in a lot of pain.
I refused to see him while I was in the hospital. I didn’t
take his calls. I gave the flowers he sent to other patients.
He utterly and completely betrayed my trust. I trusted him
with my safety when I let him restrain me, and he took advantage
and hurt me. I want nothing to do with him ever again. I’ve
been told he’s been on suicide watch at the local hospital
several times since the incident. His friends and family tell
me he’s sorry, that he didn’t mean to hurt me, and that I
should forgive him. I realize that he may have not intended
to hurt me; he did use lubrication, and attempted to open
me up a bit first. If he had meant to hurt me then he would
have just shoved his way in. But the fact is, I said no.
So, my question to you: Do I forgive him or let him wallow
in guilt? I’m not traumatized (emotionally anyway), though
of course my heart is broken, and I know I’ll move on. I am
not pursuing legal action. He and his family paid for my medical
bills and other expenses.
Thank you for your time.
—No
Cute Acronym
Forgive
him? Your ex wants you to forgive him? His friends and family
are pestering you about forgiving him?
Good fucking God.
Your ex should get down on his knees twice a day and thank
his lucky fucking stars that you didn’t press charges. He
raped you—you know that, right? The word “rape” doesn’t appear
anywhere in your letter, NCA, which I hope isn’t a sign that
you see this “incident” as anything other than a full-blown
sexual assault. So what if Enis used lube? So what if he took
his time? Some rapists use condoms and say “please” and “thank
you.” They’re still rapists.
And, I’m sorry, but why aren’t you pressing charges?
On to Enis: So your ex feels awful about this. The poor little
douche feels so very, very terrible that he’s had to be hospitalized.
Why, he’s even contemplated suicide. Good. He should
feel terrible. Forever. Which is why I hereby forbid you to
forgive Enis. Ever. Make the mistake of forgiving this speck
of shit, NCA, and 10 minutes later a little voice in the back
of his head would start telling him that this rape wasn’t
that big a deal—after all, the woman he tied up, anally
raped, and landed in the hospital didn’t press charges . .
. she even forgave him . . . how bad could it really have
been . . . no reason he shouldn’t pull this same stunt with
his next girlfriend . . .
We can’t have that, NCA, so Enis’s family and friends will
just have to go fuck themselves. And if you find yourself
wavering, if you find yourself tempted to forgive him, consider
this: Enis is attempting to bully you into forgiving him just
as he attempted to bully you into anal sex. But since he can’t
tie you to a bed and fuck forgiveness from you, he’s using
the threat of suicide to get what he wants. Repeat after me,
NCA: Enis had no right to fuck with your ass then, and he
has no right to fuck with your head now.
Finally, I’m sorry you felt I might not sympathize with you—a
woman brutalized by someone she thought she could trust—due
to your lack of interest in anal sex. No one has to “do” anal
sex to win my sympathy. I’m a fan, as everyone knows, but
anal sex isn’t a litmus test. In addition to feeling sympathy
for you, NCA, I sincerely hope that you weren’t emotionally
traumatized by this experience, as you claim. It would be
a good idea, however, to see a counselor once or twice just
to make sure.
In your response to OBESE, the unfit dude who gets winded
after five minutes of the ol’ in-and-out, you said there were
no exercises he could do to improve his sexual performance.
I disagree. First, he needs cardiovascular exercise. Light
to start, building in intensity and endurance over time. Any
cardio will do: jogging, stair machine, swimming, whatever.
But beyond that, there’s a secret core-strengthening exercise
many athletes do to improve their performance—and not just
on the track. I give you “The Plank.” This exercise can put
quite a bit of strain on the lower back, so OBESE should shed
a few pounds before he attempts it, but here’s how it works:
Lie on the floor on your stomach. Point your toes directly
into the floor. Prop yourself up on your elbows with your
elbows directly under your shoulders and with your forearms
flat on the ground. Hoist your entire body off the floor so
your only points of contact with the floor are your toes,
elbows, and forearms. Your body should be flat as a board
between your heels and your shoulders. Don’t let your back
sag, and don’t stick your ass up in the air. Hold this position
as long as you can, breathing the whole time.
This is a great exercise for strengthening the core of your
body: your abs, lower back, and pelvic-floor muscles. The
longer you can hold this position, the longer a man can comfortably
support himself over a woman while making love in the traditional
missionary style without getting exhausted.
Good luck, OBESE, and happy screwing!
—Fitness
Freak Shag Bunny
Thanks
for sharing, FFSB.
mail@savagelove.net
A new Savage Love podcast is available for download every
Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
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