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I
recently met the straight cousin of a good friend. On the
night of our first meeting, I ended up rimming, blowing, and
getting fucked by him. And he blew me—badly. Since then, I’ve
given him another blowjob. That night he slept with his arms
around me and he repeatedly muttered to me—drunkenly—that
he loves me!
I have since gone out with the friend and the cousin several
times to straight bars and have watched the cousin pick up
girls, which is fine. I am not in the market for a fucked-up
only-straight-when-sober boyfriend.
But I do want to have sex with him.
So here are the stupid questions: Is he straight? Is he gay?
Is he bi? Why does he only want to fuck me when he’s drunk?
Now he wants to go on vacation with me and I don’t know if
I want to keep messing around with this “straight” hottie,
even if he does have a beautiful, big, juicy cock. It’s not
like I can see marrying him. What is a confused gay guy to
do?
—Straight
Cousin Unlikely Marry
Keep jumping on that beautiful, big, juicy cock, of course.
We advice professionals are never supposed to advise people—at
least in print—to jump on a beautiful, big, juicy cock unless
there’s a chance they’ll ride that cock all the way to the
altar. Did Ann Landers—at whose desk I am delighted to be
typing the phrase “beautiful, big, juicy cock”—advise a single
reader to jump on a beautiful, big, juicy cock once in the
16 decades she was writing her column? Did Abigail Van Buren?
Has Billy Graham? No, no, and I’m guessing not. (I don’t read
Graham’s syndicated advice column religiously, so I can’t
rule out the possibility.)
It’s not just that my advice-giving colleagues disapprove
of premarital and/or no-possibility-of-marital sex. The whole
culture has a problem with it. We all believe that sex should
have some noble purpose—in theory, at least. The possibility
of marriage is just the easiest and most obvious. But sex
can have a noble purpose even when marriage is out of the
question.
Needless to say, an Ann Landers or a Billy Graham can’t see
the noble purpose in a fag jumping on the beautiful, big,
juicy cock of a drunken straight boy. I, however, can: One
day BBJC is going to have to reconcile the person he is—and
the people he fucks—when he’s drunk with the person he is
when he’s sober. Every night he spends with you, SCUM, brings
that day of reckoning eight or nine inches closer. So take
the straight boy and his beautiful, big, juicy cock on vacation
for his sake, SCUM, if not your own.
And finally, an answer to the stupidest question: gay, straight,
bi? My money’s on gay. Yes, there are a handful of straight
men out there who will, when impaired or imprisoned, make
do with a little man ass. And, yes, booze can bring out the
inept cocksucker in many a bisexual dude. But a “straight”
guy who makes drunken declarations of same-sex love is 110-percent
faggot.
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I am a 48-year-old gay man and have been in a committed
and monogamous relationship with a wonderful man for 20 years.
I am not sure how often people together this long have sex,
but for us it is about once every three or four weeks. This
is plenty for me, but my husband’s libido seems to be getting
much stronger than mine. About two years ago, he asked that
we add “adventure” to our sex life. He has bought dildos,
vibrators, and leather garb and wants me to use them. He wants
me to call him fuckhole or slaveboy when we are intimate,
and he wants to try nude vacations and three-ways. I should
add that my husband is coming up on 40 and is quite the hottie.
I, on the other hand, have not aged as gracefully. We also
have small children and I don’t think it is appropriate to
have these things in the house. Last week, he asked me to
take him to a resort he found online for his 40th where I
can fuck him in front of other men. Is this a normal gay midlife/about-to-turn-40
crisis?
—Slaveboy’s
Husband Has Hesitations
No, it’s not, SHHH, but is that relevant? Because like it
or not this is the midlife crisis that your husband is having—not
that I would normally characterize a strong libido as a crisis.
To me it sounds like someone who settled down at 19 and wants
to live a little while he’s still limber enough to really
enjoy it.
And I’m sorry, SHHH, but it’s your duty to indulge the little
fuckhole. When two people marry, they’re not only making a
solemn vow to be there in good times and bad, in sickness
and in health, but also to be complete and total whores for
each other. It would save countless marriages—and cut my mail
in half—if this was made explicit in standard marriage vows.
Perhaps the American Family Association could get on this.
As for your issues, SHHH, bringing sex toys and fetish wear
into a house with small children? You won’t be the first or
last parents with a lock on their bedroom closet. Slaveboy
and fuckhole? Perhaps not every time you have sex, but a little
dirty talk isn’t too much to ask. Three-ways? Well, that’s
something you have to be down with or it could do permanent
damage to your relationship. I prescribe more discussion.
Public sex in skeezy gay resorts? Most skeezy gay resorts
allow nudity, SHHH, they don’t require it. He can run around
naked and you can remain clothed. As for the public sex, if
you agree to go to the resort, he has to agree to take no—and
take it cheerfully—for an answer if you don’t feel comfortable
doing him with witnesses.
He’s a wonderful man. He has needs. Meet ’em.
As a guy with a serious cuckold fetish, I agree with
your assertion that a man can’t require his wife to have sex
with other men. So before my wife and I were married, I told
her about my romantic abnormality (on one of our first dates,
in fact). She was into it and we embarked on a series of sexual
adventures beyond my wildest dreams. She enjoyed cuckolding
me and was great in every other way, so I married her. A year
later, the cuckolding stopped. She said it was time for us
to grow up and be adults, end of discussion. I offered a compromise:
I’ll jerk off if she makes up stories about fucking other
guys. No deal. You’ve stated that it’s OK for a spouse to
go outside of the marriage to seek satisfaction when the partner
refuses to help out. Obviously, this is impossible in my case.
Am I doomed to jerking off alone with my fantasies for the
rest of my life?
—Unlucky
In Cuckoldry
No, you’re not, UIC, because you’re going to get a divorce.
You were up-front about your “romantic abnormality,” UIC,
and your wife presented herself to you as someone not just
willing and able, but delighted. And you married her in part
because you were sexually compatible. If she felt that cuckolding
wasn’t something that adults should do—was she a toddler when
she was cuckolding you?—then she was obligated to say so before
the wedding.
A
new Savage Love podcast is available for download every Tuesday
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