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Serious
question: I have always had a thing for Anna Nicole Smith
and frequently masturbated to her Playboy photos. I’ve always
felt some guilt about masturbation to begin with, but since
her death, I now feel a little creepy doing it. Do you think
it’s OK to continue now that she has passed away?
—Missing
Anna Nicole
No,
MAN, I don’t.
But not because it’s disrespectful—there’s nothing you can
do to Anna Nicole Smith in death that could possibly outdo
the shit Anna Nicole Smith subjected herself to in life. No,
the reason you feel creepy about beating off to Anna Nicole’s
photos now, MAN, and the reason you must stop, is this: Whacking
off to the dead violates the hope that masturbation represents.
When Anna Nicole was alive and young and beautiful, MAN, a
tiny part of your brain somehow managed to convince your dick
that your fantasies existed within the realm of possibility.
If the right set of circumstances, however improbable, were
to occur, you might actually find yourself in bed with Anna
Nicole Smith. So long as she lived, MAN, you lived—and whacked
off—in hope.
But masturbating to the dead inspires only feelings of hopelessness
and despair. Which is why no one beats off to James Dean or
River Phoenix or Marilyn Monroe or Mary Todd Lincoln without
feeling a little creepy, a little hopeless, and a little closer
to the grave himself. Knock it off.
I’m intelligent, attractive, and have a great sense
of humor. It’s taken a little bit of time, but I’m really
comfortable with who I am. What I am is a 25-year-old virgin.
I just keep missing out on sex, usually because there are
no condoms around. Recently, though, I’ve noticed that the
guys I date just can’t seem to get past the virgin issue.
I think they don’t want the “responsibility” attached to deflowering
me. In the past two cases, the guys were willing when we were
naked, but there were no condoms. Then when we were not naked,
there was a step back and we stopped seeing each other. I
am also growing increasingly frustrated. What do you suggest?
—Should
I Be Honest?
In
these modern times, many reputable pharmacists will sell condoms
to women—even single women, SIBH. So I would suggest that
you purchase a box of latex condoms and place them in your
medicine chest, so that a condom will be close at hand the
next time you and a suitable young man find yourselves naked
and on a bed.
I feel like I’ve missed out on life. I grew up on “the mission
field” in a conservative Christian home where “gosh” and “heck”
were bad words. I was homeschooled for most of my life, and
when I got back to North America, I enrolled in a Christian
university. After years of dealing with the crap fundamentalists
dish out to their young, I finally became an atheist, and
a year later I’m still going strong.
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My problem is that after spending my whole life immersed
in the evangelical culture, I have no idea how to function
in the real world. I’ve never had a girlfriend, never had
sex, never kissed a girl. I’m a fairly attractive, healthy,
well-adjusted young man, but the only women I know are Christians,
and starting a relationship with one of them would be pointless.
I read stories about people in college hooking up and getting
laid like nobody’s business, but I never had the chance to
get involved in anything like that. I’ve gone to bars and
clubs, but I just have no idea what I’m supposed to do or
how to meet people.
—Former
Fundie
Between
90 and 95 percent of people in bars and clubs on any given
night have no idea what they’re supposed to do or how to meet
people. Which is why most people go to bars and clubs with
their friends, i.e., girls with packs of girls, guys with
packs of guys. By going to bars and clubs with people you
already know and like—your posse or your peeps or your entourage
or whatever you wanna call the people you’ll never see again
after you’re married—you’ll not only have a good time, FF,
but more importantly, you’ll be seen having a good time. And
that, my ex-Christian friend, is the secret to success in
the bar and club scene.
That and money. And blow. And looks. Good luck.
I’m a 20-year-old female college student, and I have
a boring history of serial monogamy. I’ve been in three long-term,
committed relationships since I was 15, and I’ve never had
a dick in my mouth that I didn’t think was attached to a boy
I could love forever.
The problem is this: My current boyfriend is wonderful. We’ve
been together for a year and a half, we’re sharing a room
in a house we rent with friends, we’re very compatible, and
we love, respect, and trust each other. But I am starting
to long for that lurid history that I never had. Is it normal
to feel this way when you realize you really are with someone
you plan to stay with for years? I hate the “we need some
time apart” line because it seems irrational to part with
the expectation of getting back together, but I’m afraid of
losing this guy for good over my wanting some quality slut
time.
Maybe I just need to be single, whether I sleep with anybody
or not. What should I tell him? Should I just wait it out?
We’re so close and I hate feeling this way.
—Restless
And Heartbroken
You’ve
convinced yourself that you can have this boy or you can have
sexual adventures, RAH, a classic false choice. Who says you
can’t have this boy and sexual adventures, too? OK, he might
say you can’t have him and sexual adventures, too—at least
the kind that involve you putting a dick in your mouth that’s
not attached to him—but who knows? If you scrape up the courage
to tell your wonderful boyfriend how you’re feeling, you might
find out that your boyfriend is anxious to do a little lurid
adventuring, too. Or your might wind up alone. Either way,
you’ll wind up having your sexual adventures.
I read your column faithfully every week in the Orlando
Weekly. But I need to ask two things. What does the abbreviation
GGG stand for? And what was the Web site that you mentioned
a while ago for men to meet transsexuals?
—A
Faithful Reader
GGG
stands for “good, giving, and game,” which is what we should
all strive to be for our sex partners. Think “good in bed,”
“giving equal time and equal pleasure,” and “game for anything—within
reason.” And that tranny Web site I mentioned was, I believe,
www.freerepublic.com.
A
new Savage Love podcast is available for download every Tuesday
at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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