a 42-year-old straight guy, married 15 years, no kids. I love
my wife, and I have remained faithful. Recently, I opened
a Second Life (SL) account, and created an avatar/alter ego
for myself. I created an SL account with a female avatar because,
although I’m straight and comfortable with my gender and sexuality,
I’ve always fantasized about being transformed into a beautiful
woman and having sex with other beautiful women. SL allows
me an opportunity to explore this fantasy of being a lesbian,
and also lets me engage in types of fantasy sex-play I would
not normally do in real life (RL), such as BDSM, multiple
partners, and anonymous sex.
I laid down some ground rules for myself: (1) I would not
form a partnership in SL. (2) I would not, under any circumstances,
discuss or reveal any details of my RL with anyone. (3) I
would not form emotional relationships with other avatars.
I have followed these rules to the letter.
My wife knows I have an SL account, but that’s it. She’s made
it clear that she considers sex in SL to be adultery. I disagree.
I see it as a form of user-controlled porn—so long as I follow
the three rules above. I only go on SL when she is not at
home, and I do not spend time in SL when I could be with her.
We have a normal sex life, although she’s not as GGG as she
was when we were first married. She’s grown more conservative—personally
and sexually, not politically—as she’s grown older. I love
my wife very much, and I want my marriage to last. But sexually
I’m more adventurous than my wife, and SL allows me to express
that side of myself without any RL adultery.
Nevertheless, Dan, I feel guilty. My wife would not be happy
(understatement of the young century) if she knew of my SL
activities. And I hate lying to my wife. Yet, at the same
time, I’m having so much fun— I am exploring fantasies I never
could in real life, with a smoking-hot female avatar I’ll
never be. Should I come clean? Close down my SL account?
Lifer In Need Of Real Life Advice
SLINORLA: This is a marriage, not a deposition. You don’t
have to tell your wife the truth, the whole truth, and nothing
but the truth, so help you God. No marriage—no civil union,
no domestic partnership, no semi-regular hookup—would survive
long if each partner made a full confession of the previous
day’s minor betrayals at breakfast.
Second, SLINORLA: You have a right to your fantasies. It’s
a shame your wife can’t see that and give your SL avatar her
blessing. (“Some of your fantasies are nuts, honey—but, hey,
go have your fun on the computer.”) But like a lot of spouses,
male and female, your wife seems to believe that marriage
obligates you to round your libido down to match hers. It’s
not enough that you’ve stayed physically faithful as she’s
become more conservative and less GGG (good, giving, game);
by declaring sex in SL to be adultery, your wife is attempting
to deny you a necessary outlet for your sexual energy. So
what do you do? You do what spouses have done since spouses
were invented: Tell her what she wants to hear and go right
on doing what you’re doing. “No sex in SL, honey, promise”
is simply “Of course I don’t think of anyone else when we
make love” updated for the technology age.
I’m a 17-year-old male with a tickling fetish and I
don’t have a problem with it. It just gets me off to tickle
women. So why am I writing to you? My parents divorced when
I was 13 and I live with my dad since my mom moved away. Six
months ago, my dad married a 29-year-old woman. A few months
ago, I tickled her armpit when she reached up into a cupboard.
She didn’t pull away and seemed to enjoy it. Surprisingly,
she also has a tickling fetish on the opposite end. She loves
it when a man tickles her. She now walks around the house
barefoot and with skimpy clothing so that her stomach and
ribs are exposed so I can tickle her whenever I want.
However, we always do it behind my dad’s back. I would never
do this with my real mother (that’s sick). But with a stepmom,
is it OK? I’m starting to feel guilty about doing this without
my dad’s knowledge.
After Father’s Fresh Spouse
since Oedipus gouged out his eyes, LAFFS, conventional wisdom
has held that it’s better to err on the side of not fucking
your father’s wife. Oedipus’s dad was married to Oedipus’s
mom, granted, but if Sophocles were writing plays about today’s
blended families—and it’s a shame that he’s not—a 17-year-old
Oedipus with a tickling fetish and a cock-tease for a stepmom
would doubtless come to a bad end.
Let me be your Cassandra here, LAFFS: Keep the tickling up
and you will shortly be fucking your stepmom. Now, to a horny
17-year-old that may not sound like a compelling reason to
stop tickling his stepmom, but pause to consider the
stakes. You’ve already concluded that your father would be
furious about the tickling alone (why hide it from him otherwise?);
have you contemplated the tragedy that would unfold if he
found out you were fucking his wife? The stakes are lower
for your stepmom; she doesn’t have to be your father’s wife
forever. You and your dad, however, are stuck with each other
for life, LAFFS, so you would be well-advised to keep your
hands off your stepmom’s feet, ribs, pits, and soon-to-be-proffered
My workplace in the Bay Area is a heterosexual scene,
except for Ricardo. Ricardo is smart, cool, and professional.
It’s generally known that he’s into bondage and hairy men.
Ricardo is our buddy and our bro. Nobody’s weirded out by
Along comes Milton: well groomed, built, somewhat effeminate,
and weirdly reserved about sex. We conclude he may be that
rarest of species: the San Francisco Closet Case. Then, last
week Milton suddenly resigns, and goes to HR claiming that
Ricardo made him feel so uncomfortable that he had to leave.
Ricardo freaked out Milton with a simple IM exchange: Milton:
“What did you do today?” Ricardo: “I did my laundry and masturbated.”
It’s the kind of flippantly transgressive banter that everyone
in our office engages in. But Milton’s resignation has provoked
a spasm of administrative wrath that has impacted everyone,
not in the least poor Ricardo, who may lose his job.
Then we learn something else: Milton left his previous job
under similar circumstances. What’s going on here, Dan?
Have Been Changed
may be a closet case, but Ricardo engaged in flippantly transgressive
banter with the wrong coworker. Why would he mention masturbation
to a coworker who’s clearly fucked up about sex? You and Ricardo’s
other “bros” can still save his job, however. Just walk into
HR en masse and pull an “I am Spartacus!” Tell HR that you’re
all guilty, each and every one of you, of sending flippantly
transgressive IMs to each other. HR won’t be able to crucify
all of you at once—they can’t fire everyone, right?—and will
opt for extracting an HR-face-saving/Ricardo-job-saving promise
that the transgressive banter will stop.
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