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I
was recently seeing an alpha-male type—Ivy League grad, big
executive, loud laugh, etc. He found me on a Web site, one
thing led to another, and he was showing me pictures of him
in his ex-girlfriend’s panties!
We went out for the first of many coffee dates and it ended
with me putting my hand down the back of his pants and feeling
a silky thong! We made plans to meet for some actual dress
up. Girly Boy stood me up! A couple of times! I got annoyed,
but I put up with it because his apologetic e-mails were so
abject—and filled with new dirty pictures. We eventually planned
a whole Sunday afternoon of him cleaning my house, me putting
makeup on him, and a grand finale of him eating me out on
the couch. And he stood me up again!
I come to my point now: I gave him my favorite black thong
and push-up bra at our last coffee date. He then supplied
me with a hot selection of pics that got me very excited for
Sunday fun. But Sunday fun never happened! He didn’t even
call! All I want now are my panties and bra back! I told him
to mail them to me and he hasn’t. This is my favorite set
of underwear! I know he’s parading around in them and thinking,
“I won!” Typical alpha male! How do I get my panties back?
—Lost
My Favorite Panties
By
threatening to create a YouTube slideshow using the pics Alpha
Male already sent you, LMFP, or by threatening to e-mail the
pics to everybody@ hisplaceofemployment.com. Or, hell, go
with a retro, low-tech threat and tell him you’re going to
print up fliers and drop them over Nazi-occupied Europe. Not
that you should do any of those things, LMFP, but his willingness
to mess with your head—all those twat-teasing e-mails, all
those flirty coffee meetings, all those dates for play that
he broke—gives you carte blanche to mess with his head.
Finally, LMFP, alpha males in lacy panties don’t do anything
for me personally—seriously!—but your letter aroused my professional
curiosity. Panty thieves have been in the news lately; a few
were busted recently and chucked into the cable-news meat
grinder. These guys tend to be dweeby in the extreme, i.e.,
the kind of men who can only collect women’s panties by stealing
them. I would like to lay eyes on the pics of a panty collector
alluring enough to seduce multiple women—I guarantee that
you’re not the first—into parting with their favorite panties
and bras. I promise not to drop his pics over Nazi-occupied
Europe.
YouTube however . . .
I’m a bisexual woman married to a wonderful man. However,
his father is a homophobic asshole. For seven years, I’ve
bitten my tongue. Recently, I decided to speak up. In an e-mail,
I asked my father-in-law to be just a bit more sensitive as
I am bisexual. The point was completely lost on him. He asked
my husband whether he knew that I was “gay before we got married”
and denied that bisexuality even exists. My father-in-law
also feels that I was trying to “censor” him. This is having
a really negative effect on me, bringing up the shame I felt
when I first came to terms with my sexuality. I know that
I need to distance myself from such a negative person. He
is an asshole. My husband is supportive of my feelings. But
how do I protect myself and still be a part of this family?
I was a self-confident, GGG, kinky nympho, and now I’m feeling
really insecure and I cry each time I try to have sex. How
do I get over these feelings?
—I
Hate My Father-In-Law
One
asshole relative managed to unravel your self-confidence,
destroy your sex life, and turn you into a weepy bag of slop?
Toughen the fuck up, IHMFIL. There’s an anti-gay pogrom under
way in Poland, homos are being executed in Iran, and gay men
and women are being lynched in Jamaica. You’ve got one asshole
relative and you’re melting into a puddle? Please.
Focus on your wonderfully supportive husband, your non-asshole
relatives, remind yourself that it could be worse, and give
your father-in-law a chance to come around. Most asshole relatives
do.
And in the meantime, here’s how you get over these feelings:
Make up your mind to stop being ridiculous. Your father–in-law
is an asshole, without a doubt, and after putting up with
his shit for seven years, you had an absolute right to say,
“I’m bisexual, asshole, and I don’t appreciate your asshole
hateful, bigoted statements about queers, you dumb asshole.
Knock it the fuck off. Asshole.” But if your self-esteem is
so fragile that anything less than an instantaneous 180 on
your father-in-law’s part was going to utterly destroy you,
IHMFIL, then you should have kept your mouth shut.
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Hurting people is always wrong, Dan. Your advice to
LAFFS seems to show that you agree. You told 17-year-old LAFFS
not to fuck his father’s new wife because of the problems
it would create between him and his father, should his father
find out. But then you advised SLINORLA, a married man, to
do what he knows would upset his wife—masturbate while his
lesbian avatar has sex with female avatars in Second Life—which
would potentially create problems in his marriage, should
his wife find out. Explain.
—Where’s
The Consistency?
Consistency
is the hobgoblin of small minds, WTC—and lesser advice columnists.
But I shall attempt to justify my seemingly contradictory
advice:
The odds of LAFFS’s father discovering his new wife’s infidelity
and his son’s perfidy—and their mutual . . . what? step-incest?—is
much higher and the consequences are infinitely graver. Once
they start fucking each other—if they didn’t start fucking
each other in the time that lapsed between LAFFS hitting “send”
and his e-mail landing in my inbox—the dad is likely to pick
up on none-too-subtle changes in the way the stepmother and
stepson behave around each other. The emotional dynamics of
their relationship will be so altered—how calm, cool, and
collected would you have been at 17 if you were fucking your
father’s wife?—that he would have to be dead not to realize.
SLINORLA, on the other hand, isn’t having real-life interactions
with Second Life avatars in front of his wife on a daily basis.
His “betrayal” is confined to the computer; it is masturbatory—much
closer to porn consumption than adultery. Men who have promised—usually
under duress—to stop looking at porn get caught looking at
porn every day. And what happens? A new promise is extracted,
all is eventually forgiven, and things return to normal, i.e.,
the husband goes back to looking at porn but is more careful
about concealing it; the wife goes back to pretending that
her husband doesn’t look at porn but appreciates his renewed
efforts not to get caught. SLINORLA will be in trouble if
he gets caught, not in divorce court.
The same can’t be said of LAFFS. If he starts fucking his
stepmother and his father finds out—and his father will—it
will not only be the end of his father’s second marriage but
also result in a lifelong estrangement from his father. For
LAFFS, WTC, the wrong is more wrong, the chance of discovery
is greater, and the consequences more devastating. So the
advice is different.
For
more back-and-forth with readers about my advice for SLINORLA—a
man who is, one reader points out, doubtless having “lesbian
sex” in Second Life with other middle-aged married men pretending
to be lesbians—go to www.thestranger.com/savage/secondlife.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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