a 29-year-old married man. My wife and I are both active people
(rock climbing, cycling, and kayaking) and our sex life is
good. However, since high school I’ve been turned on by thick,
big-butt, big-tit, ugly, trashy girls. In my 20s, I would
secretly go to bars in the suburbs to pick up these thick,
ugly girls. But I’ve only ever been in relationships with
fit, attractive, intellectual girls. I’m married to one and
I’m madly in love with her. I’ve been able to repress my desires
for the past three years, hoping that I’d become sexually
attracted to my wife. Unfortunately, it’s now clear that fat,
ugly, hick girls are what turn my crank—but I could never
be in a relationship with one of these girls. Quite frankly,
these girls are of no interest to me outside of my sexual
desires. What should I do?
And Trashy Lover
I don’t even know where to begin.
But, fuck, might as well start with the truth: Do you know
why you dismiss the girls you find attractive—girls who are
not, by your dick’s definition, unattractive in the least—as
“ugly, trashy girls,” “thick, ugly girls,” “fat, ugly, hick
girls,” etc.? For the same reason, BATL, that you’ve ruled
out the possibility of ever having a relationship with a fat
girl: You’re a cowardly, hateful piece of shit.
That’s unkind, of course, just like describing all fat girls
as “ugly” or suggesting that women can be intelligent or heavy
but never both. So here’s a kindler, gentler take: A long,
long time ago you internalized our culture’s anti-fat prejudice.
We all do, of course, to greater or lesser extents. But when
you hit puberty, BATL, your sexual tastes brought you into
conflict with those anti-fat prejudices. At that moment, BATL,
you had an obligation to yourself and to your future sex partners
to overcome your prejudices. Instead, disgusted by your desires,
you projected your disgust and anger onto the women you want
to fuck. Terrified of the shame and judgment that would come
your way if you had a relationship with a big woman, you convinced
yourself that all big women are thick, stupid trash. A big
woman might be worth fucking, you concluded, but she could
never be worthy of love.
So what do you do now, BATL? Well, you either stay with the
skinny woman you married—a woman who will never satisfy you
sexually—or you divorce her and find yourself a big girl,
a woman who’s active and intelligent, a woman you could love
madly and wanna fuck, er, badly. But you know what? That woman
deserves better than you.
I’m a 34-year-old guy with a kink that my last boyfriend
indulged to the limit. We met on a Web site for guys like
us. Nope, it’s not poo eating, but the kink is irrelevant
to my problem. I moved across the country after my ex and
I split and the hit count on my beloved fetish sites in my
new area is a big fat ZERO. Along comes Mr. Pretty Good. I
told him about the fetish and he wants to be GGG, but it’s
going to take a while to get there. Meanwhile, my dick is
not getting hard for this guy. I like him! He likes me! Why
can’t I get hard for him? Can I get ex-fetishized?
Boy Has Needs
and gentleman, I welcome letters about your problematic fantasies
and fetishes—of course—but I do need to know what the fuck
they are if I’m gonna help. People send me letters like this
one from TBHN all the time; they lay out the problem in detail
but delicately omit their kink. Strangely enough, everyone
who does this then assures me that their fetish isn’t poop.
That’s not the first thing I think of when people mention
problematic fetishes, but it seems to be the first thing people
think I think of. And I’m not sure what to think of that.
Anyway, I wrote to TBHN and told him as much and he wrote
back with the gruesome details:
Okay, fuck it, here’s my freak flag: I like fat guys
who love to eat. I only go for healthy fat guys (yes, shut
up), guys with a muscle or two to show off, along with their
“table muscle,” and who balance their weight with their long-term
health. I’m an ethical encourager, damnit! But, man, give
me Frank Bruni on all fours eating gourmet meals from a trough
with his ass in the air!
My new boyfriend is stocky enough for me and he lets me watch
him eat dessert now and then. But he really doesn’t want to
get on all fours and eat from a trough while I fuck him, like
the hot ex did. How come I can’t get it up for him?
Boy Has Needs
When you mentioned Frank Bruni on all fours with his face
in a trough and his ass in the air, TBHN, I thought you were
trying to be funny. But, uh, no. . . . That’s the scenario
you want your new boyfriend to act out. I can’t imagine why
he needs some time to work up to that.
No wait, I can: Because that’s not something a guy will do
for someone with whom he’s not completely and madly in love.
It can be difficult for hardcore fetishists to go back to
vanilla after being with someone whose interests matched their
own. But you have to think strategically here, TBHN. Guys
into feeding at troughs are pretty rare, I’m not sorry to
say, so your options are pretty limited. If this guy is willing
to be GGG and go there for you eventually, you’re going to
have to be GGG yourself. Will yourself to enjoy vanilla for
now, fantasizing all the while about whatever you need to.
(But leave poor Frank Bruni out of it, OK?) Please him, TBHN,
and one day Mr. Pretty Good will think of England, or whatever
he needs to do, as he plants his face in a trough to please
I am a 23-year-old female. I’ve been in a relationship
with my boyfriend for almost three years and our sex life
has gone downhill. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been
turned on by watching fat people eat. I do not want to have
sex with a fat person—my boyfriend is quite physically fit—I
just like to watch fat people gorge themselves. I think having
some bedroom materials along these lines would really heat
things up. My two questions: (1) How can I break the news
to my boyfriend about my turn-on without him thinking I’m
a big freak? (2) Is there such a thing as feeder porn? Where
there is no sex, just obese gluttons gorging themselves? And
where can I find it?
two answers: (1) You can’t break the news without your boyfriend
concluding that you’re a freak, VF, because you are a freak.
He won’t be able to accept your freakiness if you can’t at
least cop to it. (2) I’m sure there’s hot feeder porn out
there, VF, but why pay for it? You can see plenty of hot feeder
action—live and uncensored!—for free at McDonald’s, Kentucky
Fried Chicken, Cinnabon, Claim Jumper, etc., etc., etc., every
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.