pro-sex, bisexual, and GGG. I’m also a mother. I have a 14-year-old
son, and when I type a Web site address into our home computer,
a million porn sites pop up. I’ve had lots of lovers, watched
my share of porn, I masturbate, blah blah blah. But something
about my baby looking at Asian sluts getting it up the ass
turns me into a sex-negative freak.
I can’t stand the thought of my son looking at porn on the
Internet. And the thought of him wanking in front of my computer
gets me going as well. Help me out here! Should I say something?
I don’t want to make him uncomfortable! Should I make him
Porn Reality Utterly Dismays Elder
IPRUDE, “make him” stop. Make your 14-year-old son stop looking
at all the free porn on the Internet. Sounds like a plan.
And after your son stops looking at Internet porn, IPRUDE,
be a doll and make George W. Bush pull our troops out of Iraq,
fire Dick Cheney, and institute a single payer health-care
system. And then make him resign. Thanks.
Look, IPRUDE, like a lot of hipster parents, you’ve concluded
that your enlightened attitudes toward sex—you look at porn!
you masturbate! you’re GGG!—obligates you to smile on your
son’s taste in porn and his masturbatory habits. After all,
you wouldn’t want your son to judge the porn you like or make
you feel bad about masturbating, right? So wouldn’t it make
you a hypocrite if you judged his porn and made him feel bad
about masturbating? No, IPRUDE, it wouldn’t, and here’s why:
Because you don’t live in his house, he lives in yours; you’re
old enough to understand the difference between porn sex and
real sex, he’s not; you’re not using his computer, he’s using
Sorry, IPRUDE, but you have to say something to him because
you’re the parent. And there are times when a parent—even
a pro-sex, GGG, bisexual parent—has to make her kid feel uncomfortable.
The conversation you’re about to have is gonna make your son
wanna die, of course, but someone has to tell him that he’s
not the porn ninja he thinks he is. Right now he thinks he’s
getting away with it, stealthily downloading Asian anal-gangbang
porn and having top-secret wanks at Mom’s computer. You can’t
send him off to college, or let him move in with roommates,
or, God forbid, marry someone believing that he’ll be able
to fool his roommates or his new wife the same way he fooled
This talk isn’t going to stop your son from looking at Internet
porn, nor is he going to refrain from beating off in front
of your computer. But a freak-out—even a strategic, disingenuous
freak-out—will prompt your son to become more cautious about
his porn consumption. He’ll be sneakier and cover his tracks
better, if only to avoid more boner-killing conversations
with Mom about his taste in porn. And being stealthier about
how and when and where he consumes Internet porn will result
in his consuming a bit less of it, which is what you want,
and if you include a few choice words about the kind of porn
he’s looking at—what it depicts, where it was made, how it
may shape or distort his desires—he may even give a bit more
thought to his porn choices. Good luck, Mom.
My boyfriend and I have an adventurous sex life. A couple
of years ago he fulfilled my fantasy by having a threesome
with two men, and I promised to fulfill his fantasy of having
a threesome with two girls. It was easy to find another male
because one of our guy friends happened to have a thing for
me. Now here’s the problem: I’m not attracted to any of our
female friends. How can we find a woman without hiring a prostitute,
which costs too much, or picking up some drunk girl at a club?
cynical columnist might conclude that you never had any intention
of honoring your promise, MET, a promise that’s already well
past its expiration date. How else to explain that you’ve
ruled out all of your female friends (homely dames, one and
all!), all prostitutes (because you’re frugal), and all the
drunk girls in all the clubs in all the world (because drunk
girls are so inhibited), limiting your threesome options to
sober, church-going girls who want to have sex with strangers.
But I believe you’re sincere, MET, and I’m going to advise
you accordingly: The only way to make good on your promise
is to apply the same standard to your girl/girl/boy threesome
that you applied to your boy/boy/girl threesome. When it was
time to fulfill your fantasy, you didn’t go find a guy whom
your boyfriend had a thing for, MET, but a guy who had a thing
for you. So go find a girl who has a thing for your
boyfriend, MET, and stop looking for a girl whom you
have a thing for. You may wind up in bed with someone you
previously ruled out—a friend, an escort, a drunk—but you’ll
have made good on that promise. And that’s what you wanna
I’m a straight male in my early 30s and I have a very
small dick. For five years I’ve been hiring attractive hookers
to play with my dick and tell me how it could never satisfy
them and basically humiliate me verbally. I now find myself
in a “normal” relationship with a cute, relatively vanilla
girl who I couldn’t possibly ask to satisfy my bizarre fetish.
Being verbally humiliated about my small dick exacerbated
another problem: a psychological block that prevents me from
believing I can satisfy a woman. My girlfriend says the sex
is great—I last for hours because I can’t come through normal
vaginal intercourse—and I’m great at eating her tasty little
pussy, which I love to do. I don’t want to go back to hookers,
but I can’t bring myself to share my “fetish” about my desire
to be humiliated with regard to my tiny cock. Any thoughts?
Wrapped In Chicago
SWIC, you can satisfy a woman—you are satisfying a woman—but
don’t take my word for it, or your girlfriend’s. Take the
word of Savage Love guest expert extraordinaire Alice Dreger,
a faculty member of the Medical Humanities and Bioethics Program
at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine.
Responding to a man with a small dick in this space last year,
Dreger cited a study showing that small-dicked men often have
“close and long-lasting relationships” with women. The women
studied attributed their sexual satisfaction to the extra
effort their partners went to during oral or nonpenetrative
sex. Sounds like you’re one of those very satisfying, extra-effort
guys. So buck up.
That said, SWIC, if being verbally humiliated about your tiny
cock turns your tiny crank, fucking go for it. Your
dick caused you nothing but grief for years; don’t deny yourself
whatever pleasure you’ve learned to take in it now. But before
you go back to those attractive hookers, SWIC, risk telling
your girlfriend about this fetish. You do the things that
satisfy her and I’ll bet she’s just as interested in doing
the things that satisfy you. But she can’t do those things
if you don’t trust her enough to tell her what they are.
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.