18 years old and my girlfriend and I have been engaging in
sexual acts. She has no problem coming, but when it comes
to sexual intercourse she can’t orgasm. Is my penis not doing
the job correctly? She says she feels good, but can’t climax.
Could there be something wrong with her? I don’t know what
what you do, TLB: You play with your girlfriend’s clit while
you fuck her. Her clit, TLB, her clit. Play with her motherfucking
clit. While you fuck her. HER CLIT. Play with her clit. If
that’s too difficult—too much like fucking and chewing gum
with your fingers at the same time—encourage your girlfriend
to play with her clit while you fuck her. HER CLIT. While
you fuck her. Play with her clit.
And rest assured, TLB, there’s nothing wrong with your cock
or your girlfriend’s pussy. Most women require additional
clitoral stimulation during vaginal intercourse in order to
get off—and if you stop stressing out and think about it,
you’ll realize the reason. But just in case you can’t read
and think at the same time, here it is: While you’re fucking
your girlfriend, the most sensitive part of your cock—the
head—is getting direct, intense stimulation. But the most
sensitive part of her sex organs—her clit—apparently isn’t
getting any, or isn’t getting enough, direct, intense stimulation.
So, TLB, it could be that the positions you’re fucking in
don’t provide direct stimulation to your girlfriend’s clit,
or your girlfriend’s clit is positioned in such a way
that no sexual position can provide the stimulation she needs,
or she’s one of those women—one of the majority—that
requires focused, direct, intense stimulation in order to
come (like the kind she gets during oral or masturbation).
Which means, TLB, that if you both want her to come
during vaginal intercourse, then you’ll have to incorporate
a little manual stimulation into your fucking routine. Which
brings us back to: Play with her clit while you fuck her.
HER CLIT. While you fuck her. Play with her clit.
I have a bit of an issue with a fantasy: I am turned
on by the idea of a woman dying during climax. This would
seem to be one of those fantasies that is impossible to fulfill,
consensual or otherwise, as I cannot go around killing women.
The police would find it odd. I am at a loss. Any ideas?
any poor motherfucker with an impossible-to-realize fantasy
or fetish—people turned on by giants, boytaurs, U.S. senators
in diapers—you’re going to have to find an indulgent partner
and “realize” your absolutely insane turn-on through role-play
and dirty talk. (Unless you’re an actual U.S. senator, of
course, and then you just have to hire an escort to diaper
you.) Find an indulgent girlfriend—perhaps one of the many
morbid Goth girls who stream by under my office window every
day?—willing to engage in safe, sane, and nonhomicidal “death
play.” She pretends to die; you derive as much pleasure as
possible from the pretense.
But first, you’re going to have to learn to talk about your
fetish without sounding so fucking creepy, IF. Yes, it’s an
inherently creepy fantasy, but no sane woman—not even one
who shares your fetish—is going to fuck a death fetishist
who muses about “consensual or otherwise” scenarios or suggests
that problems with the police are his first concern.
I have been masturbating every night since the fourth
grade and now I am 23. I can’t get to sleep without it. Is
this normal behavior? Have any other women ever asked about
I Lay Me Down To Sleep
one else has ever asked about this, NILMDTS. But people tend
to write to me when they have problems, and what you’ve described
doesn’t sound like a problem to me.
I was wondering what constitutes virginity and whether
you would consider me a virgin. The most I have done is let
two people perform oral sex on me, but I have never myself
engaged in a sexual act. Does this make me a virgin? I would
like to think so. I believe that “sex” involves penetration
(anal or vaginal) or actively performing oral sex.
was tapping out a response for you, BIF, when my inbox started
filling up with e-mails about Bob Allen, a state representative
in Florida who offered—allegedly, allegedly—an undercover
cop $20 for, uh, a little oral-sex performance. In addition
to being a cheap bastard, Allen is a married man and—of course,
of course—a gay-bashing, conservative Republican asswipe.
Allen’s arrest came so soon after Republican U.S. Senator
David Vitter’s admission of hiring prostitutes that, sheesh,
it felt like Christmas in July.
If I may: Josh Marshall at TalkingPointsMemo was confused
about whether Allen wanted the cop to blow him or if Allen
wanted to blow the cop; Marshall was also confused about whether
Allen was offering payment or requesting payment. One look
at Allen clears up the payment question: This is not a man
who gets paid for sex. As for the who-blows-whom issue, like
many straight men, Marshall doesn’t see blowjobs as a pleasurable
activity for the blower. That’s what a lifetime of
getting head from straight women can do to a guy.
Josh? When a male escort is engaged for oral sex, it is almost
always the escort who is “serviced,” not the client, because
many gay men—and many, many straight-identified men—actually
enjoy giving head. Please make a note of it.
BIF? All those escorts out there graciously accepting blowjobs
from their clients? They’re not virgins, kiddo, and neither
are you. But I can see why you’re confused: Abstinence education,
purity balls, and the failure of males to evolve hymens has
made virginity harder to define. Do we lose our virginities
all at once? In dribs and drabs? How can some girls be old
pros at oral and anal and still consider themselves virgins
on their wedding nights?
Savage Love readers? I’m punting this one to you: What constitutes
virginity? When do we lose it? Do we have more than one to
This is in response to IPRUDE, the mother who’s worried
about her son’s online porn consumption. I’ll never forget
the day my mom found my porn magazines. She never confronted
me; I simply lifted the mattress one afternoon to find my
precious Penthouses gone. In their place: Sunset magazine
and Good Housekeeping. It was a reminder that (1) I needed
to do a better job of hiding my porn, and (2) that she wouldn’t
have found it in the first place if she didn’t have to clean
my damn room for me. It was the most effective nonconversation
we ever had.
Here’s an update for the Internet age: IPRUDE should clear
the cache of her Internet browser, so the zillions of porn
Web site addresses don’t show up as soon as she begins typing
a URL. Cache cleared, Mom should type in some made-up URLs:
etc. It won’t matter that these Web sites don’t exist; the
browser’s autocomplete function will list them as soon as
her son types the first letter of his favorite porn URL.
advice, MT, thanks for sharing.
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.