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I’m
an 18-year-old guy with an awesome kinky girlfriend. She likes
getting tied up, blindfolded, spanked, and just about anything
else we can think of. It’s awesome. My question is this: We
were watching some BDSM porn and they used these awesome contact
lenses that worked as blindfolds because they were completely
opaque. I’ve searched high and low and cannot find them. Help
us out!
—Ropes
Should Come Included
P.S. I guess I wrote in to brag a little, too.
You searched high and low for opaque contact lenses without
any luck. Really? Because just .28 seconds after I Googled
“opaque contact lenses,” RSCI, I was clicking through a dozen
Web sites that sell opaque contact lenses. “Please note, you
are not able to see through these lenses,” one site warned.
“Unless you want to find out how it is to be blind,” read
the disclaimer on another, “wear a white-out contact lens
in one eye only.” So it would seem that bragging—about all
that awesome BDSM sex you’re having—was the only reason you
wrote in.
Politically speaking, RSCI, this may not be the best time
for teenagers to gloat about the totally awesome, amazingly
kinky, and sinfully premarital sex they’re having. A study
released last week showed that the rate of teen sexual activity,
which had long been in decline, stopped falling in 2001—despite
the hundreds of millions of dollars the Bush administration
has poured into abstinence education over the last 10 years.
“The
percentage of teenagers having intercourse began to plateau
in 2001 and has failed to budge since,” wrote the Washington
Post. “Experts are unsure of the reasons for the change,
but [point to] the possibility that some irreducible portion
of the teenage population can never be dissuaded from having
sex.”
Hello, George W. Bush? You’ve spent hundreds of millions of
dollars trying to dissuade teenagers from having sex and what
are teenagers like RSCI doing? Bragging about all the awesome
sex they’re having. Are you going to stand for that? Or are
you finally going to get serious about winning the war on
teenage sex?
If you believe that premarital sex is always wrong,
Mr. President, then act like it. (Let the liberals laugh about
Senator David Vitter, the conservative GOP senator from Louisiana
caught up in the “D.C. Madam” scandal. At least Vitter had
the decency to wait until after marriage before hiring
hookers to diaper him.) The current status quo is unacceptable!
We can’t continue to spend hundreds of millions of dollars
trying to talk teenagers into remaining abstinent while their
gonads and hormones implore them to do the opposite.
The time has come to take the fight to the hormones, Mr. President.
The time has come to chemically castrate American teenagers.
Instead of wasting money on failed abstinence-education programs,
Mr. President, put Depo-Provera and Tamoxifen, the two most
effective chemical castration drugs, into products consumed
by teenagers—Doritos, Mountain Dew, lip gloss, and Axe body
spray. (Some adults also consume these products, of course,
but not any we want reproducing.) A chemical castration program
would not only be cheaper and more effective than your failed
abstinence-education programs, Mr. President, it would also
lower rates of sexually transmitted infections, decrease the
number of unwanted pregnancies, save souls, prevent hurricanes,
and spare elected officials who can’t have kinky sex themselves
anymore (thanks to fallout from the D.C. Madam scandal) from
having to listen to teenagers like RSCI brag about all the
kinky sex they’re having.
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I’m a 27-year-old lesbian, and my girlfriend of two
years broke up with me. When I moved out, I left the sex toys
I knew were hers and took the rest. The first night she was
back after I left, she texted me to ask for specific toys
back! I made some insensitive comments about how I took the
toys because I thought I might find someone who actually wanted
to have sex with me, and she got angry. I ended up giving
her all the toys back because I didn’t want them anymore after
the argument.
What should the etiquette be around sex toys when two women
break up, especially when strong feelings are involved?
—Babe
In Toyless Land
Have
two women ever broken up without strong feelings being involved?
The etiquette around the division of sex toys after a breakup
is the same that applies to the division of any property post-breakup,
BITL. The splitting couple has a tense discussion about divvying
up their shared property; if an agreement can’t be reached,
they sue the shit out of each other. It would be foolish to
sue an ex over a dusty collection of strap-ons and vibrators,
of course, as replacing the average sex-toy collection would
be less expensive than a lawsuit. But exes have taken each
other to court over dumber shit—custody of dogs, cats, kids,
etc.
In the very same column in which you observed that “people
tend to write to me when they have problems,” you wrote that
all straight women are reluctant to give head. “[Like] many
straight men, [Josh] Marshall doesn’t see blowjobs as a pleasurable
activity for the blower. That’s what a lifetime of getting
head from straight women can do to a guy.” And where did you
get the @&#*^@ idea that straight women don’t like giving
head? From people with problems who write in to you! Guys
married to women who love giving head don’t write in and complain!
Hello?!
I am a straight woman—AND I LOVE GIVING HEAD. I love
cock. All of my girlfriends LOVE giving head. And we are good
at it! So the next time you are tempted to say something based
on the information you get from the people with problems who
write in to you, ask yourself, “Hmmm. Do I actually know this
to be true? Or is it just sexist bullshit?”
—This
Woman Grooves On The Mouth Feel In Canada
P.S.
My sign-off is a mouthful on purpose!
Good points, TWGOTMFIC: I only get letters from straight men
with complaints about the head they’re not getting and/or
the reluctant head they are getting. My sample is hopelessly
skewed and I apologize for the crack.
But while we’re on the subject, TWGOTMFIC, I would like to
say this to women who don’t give head, or give it badly in
hopes of never being asked to give it again, thus prompting
their boyfriends and husbands to write me about their problems,
thereby hopelessly skewing my sample: You do realize, ladies,
that oral-sex-free marriages are reviving the long-moribund
institution of “trade,” i.e., gay men giving head to straight
men? The internet has made it incredibly easy for straight
men to get free, NSA oral sex whenever they like—provided
they’re capable of clamping their eyes shut and thinking about
pussy while another man goes down on them. And judging from
the ads online, more and more straight men are becoming “trade
capable” every day.
And, yes, many straight men who complain about not getting
blowjobs have only themselves to blame. It’s impossible to
know just how many orally deprived straight guys would be
getting blown—and blown enthusiastically—if it weren’t for
poor personal hygiene, little and/or lousy cunnilingus, and
just general assholery, but doubtless it’s a significant percentage.
Speaking of the mouth feel: Numerous gay men who enjoy cunnilingus—well,
watching cunnilingus—wrote in to let You Gonna Eat That? know
that he’s not alone. You can read their letters at www.thestranger.com/savage/enjoywatching.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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