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I
am a single guy . . . never good with women . . . not many
girlfriends. . . . I didn’t have sex till I was 31 . . . but
all my life I’ve had this strange fetish. . . . I love to
be shampooed with lots of lather and suds, suds in my eyes,
nose, and mouth. I have been trying to find a female partner
to shampoo me . . . I am a big, hairy guy and I’ve been told
I’m scary- looking . . . I offered hair salons money just
to shampoo me. . . . Not one would . . . can you direct me
to a place where I can get my fetish. . . . I hope you can
help me. . . . Why am I bad with women. . . . Maybe I’m gay.
—Help
Me Out
I’m
a 25-year-old male who has no ability to talk to women. I
am attracted to women and beat it looking at porn of women,
but I have only had sex once and I was so drunk that I don’t
know if I lost my virginity or not. I think about hiring an
escort, but I would hate myself even more if I did that. Lately,
I have been thinking I might be gay and that’s why I am so
inept with women. Is this how it happens?
—Loser
Might Be Gay
Hello,
straight boys? Did you learn anything from Will
& Grace? Did we suffer through eight years of that
shit for nothing? Gay men and straight women get along
like gang-fucking-busters, as everyone on earth and her gay
best friend should know by now. And yet I’m constantly getting
e-mail from inept straight guys who’ve convinced themselves
that homosexuality is some sort of fallback sexual orientation
for guys with no social skills.
HMO and LMBG: If being an inept heterosexual made a man gay,
then gay men would not compose a measly three percent of the
population. We would rule the fucking world—and underpopulation,
not global warming, would be the biggest threat to the survival
of our species. Women would have to be inseminated with semen
collected from spittoons set out in Broadway theaters, major-league-
baseball stadiums, congressional-page dormitories, Vatican
City, and other places gay men are known to congregate.
You’re not fags, HMO and LMBG, you’re socially maladapted
straight boys. In other words, completely normal. Please make
a note of it. Then ask your friends, if you’ve got any, what
you’re doing wrong and tell them to be brutal. Take their
feedback to heart and work on your social skills, personal
hygiene, appearance—whatever they tell you the problem is.
And if all else fails, get obscenely wealthy. Gina Gershon
and Monica Seles did not date software billionaire Paul Allen
for the scintillating conversation about his collection of
Doctor Who memorabilia.
And HMO? There are two kinds of women who will indulge your
shampoo fetish: an indulgent woman who loves you and wants
to make you happy, or an indulgent sex worker who loves your
money and wants to make you happy enough to part with it.
If you’re not having any luck landing the former, go find
a sympathetic, understanding latter. But for God’s sake, stop
lurking in hair salons, HMO, because that will make
you gay.
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I am a 23-year-old student who just got dumped by my
girlfriend after a year together. We argued forever about
why it ended, but the issue that really stood out was this:
I love feet! I like to think I’m a regular guy like everyone
else, but when it comes to sex, nothing drives me wilder than
feet. Not like those porns out there that do the weirdest
shit with them—no, I’m just turned on by beautiful women wearing
sandals. I can’t help it! My ex has beautiful feet and every
time we were together my main priority was getting her toes
in my mouth, licking her soles, and kissing her ankles. Is
that wrong? Can this really be a justifiable reason to end
a relationship that lasted a year?
—Her
Left Foot Lover
So
it sounds like she was plenty GGG—willing to wear the sandals,
willing to let you suck her toes, lick her soles, kiss her
ankles. Good, giving, game. But your letter left me wondering
what she enjoyed. What turned her on? How did you indulge
her? When were you GGG? That’s missing from your letter, HLFL;
I’m thinking it’s because it was missing in your relationship.
If you neglected her needs while she indulged your fetish,
then the feeling of your tongue on her toes eventually ceased
to be a delightful, or delightfully kinky, sensation. Damp
toes became a reminder that she—a good, giving, and game girlfriend—was
sadly stuck with a thoughtless foot fetishist for a boyfriend,
a man so fixated on his own precious sexual priorities that
he completely neglected her desires. And that’s a completely
justifiable reason to end a relationship.
I’m a 24-year-old male, not too kinky, not too vanilla.
When I was 18, I was dating a 16-year-old girl and we had
a lot of good sex. In fact, we took pictures. Now I’m planning
to become a schoolteacher. Should I get rid of these pics
or keep them as a memento of some of the best sex I’ve ever
had?
—Stumped
About My Sex
Teenagers
have been prosecuted for possessing pornographic pictures
of themselves, SAMS, the ridiculous fruits of our current
hysteria over young people and technology. A schoolteacher
with dirty pics of a 16-year-old—even old pics of a girlfriend—is
taking a huge risk. Lose track of a CD you burned, forget
that they’re on a computer that you get serviced, and your
career will be over before you have a chance to explain. If
you can’t bear to get rid of them, you should make some easy-to-keep-track-of
prints and lock ’em up.
The first time I had sex, I didn’t use a condom. I was
drunk. Not unusual for me. After the event, my upper thighs
were covered with what appeared to be zits. They also appeared
on my sack a little. It scared the hell out of me, but I’m
young and am afraid of going to the doctor. The thigh zits
went away quickly with no lasting signs, but the sack ones
have stuck around. What the hell is this and do I need to
be afraid?
—Help
An Innocent Fool
Sounds
like it could be molluscum—a viral infection that can be transmitted
sexually and sometimes causes raised, zitlike bumps on thighs
and butts and sacks—but you know what, HAIF? I can’t inspect
your sack via e-mail. Even if I could—and I’m not saying I
would if I could—I wouldn’t be able to treat your molluscum
because I’m not a doctor. So you’re still going to
have to march your pansy ass off to a doctor, young man, and
get an STI screening. (To find a Planned Parenthood office
near you, go to www.plannedparenthood.com.) And you might
want to do it soon, HAIF, as molluscum can spread to your
arms, legs, face, eyelids, lips, mouth, and, uh, kangaroos,
if you have any of those around.
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