the hell wears swim caps anymore? I haven’t seen a swim cap
in years. That question in your column last week from the
swim-cap fetishist getting off on his visits to public pools
was bullshit. I would think you, of all people, could see
St. Louis Girl
of pools require swimmers with long hair to wear caps, SSLG—but,
hey, no need to take my word for it. Google “swim caps” and
“required,” marvel at the predictable results, and then send
me something nice by way of apology.
At least one reader calls bullshit on every letter that appears
in this column. My readers—my sexy, vigilant, whip-smart readers—need
to remember that they’re reading heavily edited versions of
the questions. I’m forced to trim letters for space and privacy
concerns, which can result in the omission of certain corroborating
details. So you’ll just have to trust me, OK?
I am happily married to a girl in her mid-20s. She recently
brought home a Shetland sheepdog that she excitedly explained
she had saved from the local pound. Three weeks later, I was
in our neighborhood on business and decided to stop by the
apartment to save the money I would otherwise spend on lunch.
We have a rear door that opens into the living room and I
couldn’t believe the scene I discovered upon entering: My
wife, nude, spread-eagled on the couch, her Shetland sheepdog
lapping eagerly at her pussy, ecstatic moans escaping from
her throat! She ran to the bathroom as I stood there stunned.
But the worst was when I noticed the open jar of Nutella sitting
on the coffee table, a faint odor of hazelnut and chocolate
in the air. We have never spoken about what happened. Are
there health concerns she should be aware of?
Dog At Most
Now this is a fake letter.
About half of the fakes I get follow ADAM’s basic script:
Man walks in, discovers his wife/girlfriend/sister/mother
getting it on with a dog. Usually the woman has peanut butter
smeared all over her crotch, so we’ll give ADAM a tenth of
a point for creativity.
What if ADAM’s letter didn’t include that tired old story
about a dog eating pussy—would we still be able to tell that
it’s a fake?
First, there’s the piling on of unnecessary details in a self-conscious
effort to make the letter seem more plausible. The wife didn’t
just explain, she “excitedly explained”; she got the
dog from the “local pound,” as opposed to a pound in
Singapore or Sweden. There’s the needlessly elaborate explanation
about how he came to walk in on the wife: ADAM was in the
neighborhood on business, came in through the back
door (which opens on the living room?), all because he wanted
to save a few bucks on lunch. There are cliché phrases lifted
from a mildewed copy of a mid-1980s Penthouse (“lapping
eagerly,” “ecstatic moans escaping from her throat”).
Most revealing, however, is that ADAM wants us to believe
his wife is in her mid-20s. Not just because it’s sexier—ostensibly—to
picture a nude 25-year-old woman “spread-eagled on the couch”
than, say, a nude 55-year-old woman, but because this letter,
like most of the fakes I get, is really about the sexual degradation
of women as a group. ADAM has issues, as they say,
so he ran a fictional woman through a degrading sexual scenario
in a letter to me. He hoped that I would run his letter in
my column and in his mind this would somehow avenge the slights
he’s suffered at the hands of all the women who have ever
Kind of pathetic when you pause to think about it, huh?
I work with a hot girl at a restaorant [sic] that likes
to get Tahesian [sic] Face Masks. Now if you have never heard
of them before, it’s when someone unloads their feecis [sic]
on the other person’s face. She started out with guys her
age, but recently turned to older men because their shit is
thicker. Will her fetish cause her problems later on down
hot chick doing something disgusting—although as penned by
this subliterate dickweed, it’s technically the restaurant
that’s into Tahitian Face Masks, not the girl. Once again,
typical adolescent male fear of female sexuality curdled by
resentment. (Hey, what do you think the odds are that the
author of this letter was dumped for an older man?) Note that
both ADAM and DC, like many fakers, don’t write about something
they’re doing, but about something someone else is doing.
And both wind their letters up with kindhearted expressions
of concern (“Are there health concerns . . . ” “Will her fetish
cause her problems . . . ”), another dead giveaway.
I’m a straight, 22-year-old female. When I’m going down
on my boyfriend, he demands that I pick his nose and feed
his boogers to him. My boyfriend says this is no big deal;
he says it’s actually a very popular practice.
cut most of this letter—blah blah boogers blah—and it’s not
just the gross-out factor that gives this one away, but something
readers don’t usually get to see: the e-mail address. WalletFullofSemen@XXXXXXX.com
doesn’t sound like an e-mail address a woman would use, does
I’m a 22-year-old straight male. A few weeks ago, I
went to a party by myself. It was hot inside, so most of the
guys took off their shirts. The party was fine, but a couple
hours into it, this guy I don’t know, a really intimidating
dude a foot taller than me with huge muscles, pulled me aside
and took me to an empty room.
So this guy tells me he is gay and wants to have sex with
me. I said no way, I’m straight, and I don’t think you want
my huge cock up your ass! He asked to see it. Because he was
standing in front of the door not intending to release me,
I dropped my pants and let him look. His mouth dropped open—my
cock is huge. He decided he didn’t want it up his ass, but
he wouldn’t let me go until I let him put his dick up mine.
Not wanting to fight, I had to agree. So he took off his pants
and started doing it with me! It hurt at first, but soon it
started to feel so good and I stopped trying to resist. Then
I let loose with this huge, explosive orgasm.
Now I have a problem: I’m straight, I don’t want to give up
my awesome girlfriend, but that was the best damn fuck I’ve
ever had. What do I do?
Incher Needs Advice
the “straight” author of this letter “stopped trying to resist”
once that big, muscle-bound, shirtless-’cause-it-was-hot guy
put his dick up FINA’s ass. Gee, did anyone detect any resistance
on FINA’s part prior to penetration? I didn’t.
Another common theme in fake letters: the “totally” straight
guy who never even considered the possibility that he might
be gay—not even once, dude!—until this incredibly intimidating
gay guy came along and fucked him—so totally against his will,
dude!—and treated him to an orgasm so explosive it blasted
his heterosexuality away.
Fear, fear, fear—that’s what the fakes are all about, SSLG.
Fear of women, fear of sex, fear of homos. Not the fear of
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