than a few times, you have implied that if one’s partner is
unwilling to satisfy, the deprived person has a right to seek
it elsewhere. My sex life with my wife, despite my best efforts,
is infrequent and uninspired. I recently met a married woman
who has had a nonexistent sex life for many years.
We like each other immensely and are compatible in many ways,
including in our sexual desires. Neither of us wants to divorce
our spouses, as the other areas of our lives are fine. But
we are considering becoming sex buddies. My question for you,
Mr. Savage: Are we required to discuss this with our spouses?
Neither would be agreeable. Or since both our spouses have
made their lack of interest in sex clear, can we go about
this without informing our respective partners? Or would that
make us cheating spouses?
Yes, LDS, you two can “go about this” without informing your
respective partners—but you will have to accept the “cheating
You may have grounds to seek sex outside your marriage—your
potential sex buddy, with her “nonexistent” sex life, has
better grounds for cheating than you do with your “infrequent
and uninspired” sex life—but grounds don’t make cheating not
cheating. So long as you’re married, it’s cheating, LDS, because
you’re, like, you know, married. Justifiable homicide
is still homicide, LDS, and justifiable cheating is still
And for the record: I’ve never “implied” that married people
unjustly deprived of sex have a right to seek it elsewhere.
I’ve hammered away at that point, year after lonely year.
I have no talent for insinuation, LDS. But a married man with
a sex buddy on the side is an adulterer, full stop. So get
the wife something nice, huh?
I am a bisexual female in a polyamorous relationship
with a bisexual male. We are each other’s primary. We are
friends with a lesbian couple. The older member, to whom I
am attracted, lets the younger member, to whom I am not attracted,
have other partners. The older member is not interested in
outside contacts herself. The younger member is definitely
interested in me, but I spend my social time with this couple
thinking about banging the older member.
I am very conflicted about how to proceed. I also have a hunch
that the older member is attracted to me, but doesn’t have
the nerve to make a move. I am open to the possibility of
a three-way. What is my best course of action here?
Older Ladies, Yessir!
You probably like to think of yourself as a brave sexual adventurer,
POLY, seeing as you’re all bi and poly and shit. And there
you are socializing with intergenerational lesbian couples—man,
you are living life on the edge! Pushing the antelope! Creating
dynamic new relationship structures! You are bi poly woman—hear
Sorry, POLY, but I’ve fried oysters with more spine. You write
that the older member of the lesbian couple doesn’t have the
“nerve to make a move.” Where’s your nerve? Attracted to the
older member? Tell her. Not into the younger member?
Tell her. Open to the possibility of a three-way with
both members? Tell ’em. The last thing the world needs
is another all-talk-no-action polyamorous braggart. You’re
doing poly wrong, POLY, when you spend more time diagramming
your sexual relationships than you do having sexual
I am dating a divorcée who just turned 60. She told
me her first husband required that she thank him after intercourse.
She does not find anything unusual about his request or her
complying with it. I think it is bizarre. What do you have
And Really Perplexed
I have to say this: Insisting that you be thanked after
sex may be odd, perhaps a bit dom/sub, but it hardly rises
to the level of bizarre.
I want to say this: Maybe your girlfriend was “required”
to thank her ex after intercourse. Maybe he was a domineering
bully who ordered her to do all sorts of mildly degrading
things. Or maybe your girlfriend is submissive, AARP, and
telling you about all the awful, terrible, no-good things
her ex “made” her do is her way of letting you know what she
would like you to do. It could be that instead of just coming
out and saying, “I like to be dominated,” she’s saying, “My
ex liked to dominate me.”
Remember, dear readers, that shy kinksters frequently bring
up their interests negatively with new partners. Feigned disgust
is often—that’s “often,” not always—a stratagem, a way to
“safely” broach the subject of spanking or feet or piss or
whatever. So instead of saying “Yeah, bizarre!” and dashing
off a letter to a sex-advice professional seeking confirmation,
AARP, what you should have said is this: “Really? How did
you feel about that? Did that turn you on? Tell me more.”
In your column last week, you wrote that the authors
of many of those fake letters were inspired by their adolescent
male fear of female sexuality. I felt like I got hit in the
chest with a big, red brick of truth. My present girlfriend
had a promiscuous past. I was a terribly insecure teenager
convinced that no one wanted me to fuck or love them, and
I feel like I’m still carrying around that shame in my present
and healthy relationship. I realized, from your column last
week, that I am completely threatened by my girlfriend’s independent
The thought that she had sex with other guys and girls and
enjoyed it drives me crazy. I get totally jealous whenever
she talks about old sex partners, particularly the one-night
stands—a type of encounter I’ve never had—and I don’t know
how to deal with it. I need advice. How do you deal with jealousy
And Jealous And Turned On
P.S. An interesting and confusing aspect of this is
that I get turned on when she tells me stories of her sexual
encounters with other people and I love for her to tell me
about them while we fuck.
I saw that postscript coming a mile away, CAJATO. Halfway
through your letter, I muttered, “I bet this shit turns him
on.” I thought I was muttering it under my breath, but I must
have said it loud enough for the woman sitting next to me
in this bar to hear. Now I’m all alone.
As for dealing with your jealousy, CAJATO, it sounds to me
like you’re dealing with it just fine. Your subconscious has
eroticized those feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, turning
the lemons of sexual insecurity into the lemonade of a burgeoning
sexual kink. Google “cuckold” to get an idea of what you’ll
be up to in a few years’ time.
Oh, and resistance is futile, CAJATO, so you might as well
Regarding that letter about a dog licking Nutella off
a woman’s pussy. Yes, the letter was a fake, but you left
out an important detail: Chocolate is poison to dogs! Please
note this detail as a warning to any girls or boys who might
want to give this a try. It could kill their pet!
I probably should have mentioned that chocolate is dog poison,
SAD, but I figure anyone sick enough to give this a try probably
shouldn’t own a dog in the first place. Wouldn’t you agree?
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.