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How
much piss can one consume without getting sick?
—Sincerely
Curious
I
usually float medical questions over to Dr. Barak Gaster,
Savage Love’s long-suffering resident medical expert. But
after braving a torrent of piss questions over the years,
Dr. Gaster has developed something of a piss-question phobia.
So, SC, I tossed your question to Dr. W. H., an ER physician
at a big city hospital like the ones on teevee! Dr. W. H.
has seen people “guzzling every nasty-ass secretion known,”
and wasn’t fazed by your question. (He also says that he’s
seen people use Doritos bags as condoms, but we’ll save that
for another column.)
“Piss
is actually quite safe to drink,” says Dr. W. H., “assuming
the person making the piss has healthy kidneys and isn’t dripping
with the clap.” But isn’t piss a waste product, packed with
stuff your body wants to be rid of? How could it be safe?
“The production of urine begins with an ultrafiltration of
the blood by the nephrons in the kidney, which contain superteeny
openings that let only the smallest molecules through. This
means that bacteria and viruses are rarely seen [in urine]—HIV
and hepatitis viruses are pretty much a nonissue as long as
the kidneys are in good working order.”
But quite safe doesn’t mean totally safe.
“All
bets are off if you’re drinking the piss of someone who’s
got horrendous kidneys,” Dr. W. H. adds. “But people with
severe, chronic kidney disease may not overlap too much with
the piss-party set. The biggest danger would be drinking urine
from someone with an infection that’s living downstream from
the kidneys, such as gonorrhea, chlamydia, or some type of
bladder infection.”
Presuming you’re drinking a healthy person’s piss, how much
is too much? “There have been cases of people dying because
they drank gallons and gallons of water incredibly quickly
and diluted their electrolytes to the point of cardiac arrest,”
says Dr. W. H. “However, that’s sort of a risk that’s inherent
in any liquid, and not really unique to urine.” And it’s highly
unlikely that any one person could produce more piss than
you could handle, SC.
Another thing for piss guzzlers to consider: “Certain small
molecules are concentrated in the urine,” says Dr. W. H. “Such
as [trace amounts of] drugs, recreational and otherwise.”
I’ve heard from clean-and-sober piss drinkers who lost their
jobs after testing positive for drugs their sex partners were
taking, SC, so if you have a job that requires regular drug
testing, or if you’re Britney Spears, you might want to date
straight-edge piss tops exclusively.
“If
you know your partner and you’re both healthy,” Dr. W. H.
concluded, “guzzle all the piss you want. If you’re hooking
up with strangers and you’re not sure what’s coming out of
his dick or her twat, then you’re asking for it.”
I have a friend who likes to have the blood flow to
his brain restricted. He and I messed around and he asked
me to choke him. I wasn’t cutting off his airflow, just applying
pressure to his jugular and carotid. This kink scares me.
I want to make sure I know exactly what’s going on here. We’re
not using ligatures of any kind, just my hands. I don’t want
to hurt him; he’s one of my best friends, putting aside how
awkward it would be to explain to his family, my family, and
his wife how I accidentally killed him.
Am I overreacting? Is there a safer way to restrict the blood
flow to someone’s brain?
—Gave
Him One Sexy Throttling
“No!
She is not overreacting,” says Dr. Barak Gaster, who has yet
to develop a phobia of strangulation-related questions. (In
time, in time.) “There is no ‘safer’ way to cut off blood
supply to the brain. Even short periods of reduced blood flow
to the brain cause permanent brain cell death causing permanent
mental retardation and death.” As for your being careful “only”
to restrict blood flow and not airflow, GHOST, Dr. Gaster
warns that “cutting off blood vessels with your hand is even
more dangerous than cutting off breathing, since the oxygen
flow to the brain falls much faster.”
How dangerous is this kink? “Insanely dangerous.” How insanely
dangerous? “Do not do this. Living for years with an ‘anoxic’
brain injury is a horrifying existence. Many would rate this
a fate worse than death. She is potentially dooming her partner
to life as a brain-damaged imbecile,” says Dr. Gaster—and,
hey, those GOP presidential debates are crowded enough already,
GHOST. Knock it off.
Speaking
of dangerous kinks: Tons of readers sent me a link to
the story on the Smoking Gun about a Baptist minister who
died in June of “accidental mechanical asphyxia.” I appreciate
the thought, dear readers, but rest assured that I Google
“Baptist minister” and “accidental mechanical asphyxia” at
least once a day. I’m anal that way.
Anyway, the Rev. Gary Aldridge was found hog-tied, wearing
two wet suits, a face mask, diving gloves, rubberized underwear,
and a rubber hood. Authorities have concluded that no foul
play was involved and that the 51-year-old pastor of Montgomery’s
Thorington Road Baptist Church was alone the night he died.
“While the Montgomery Advertiser, which first obtained
the autopsy records, reported on Aldridge’s two wet suits,”
says the Smoking Gun, “the family newspaper chose not to mention
what police discovered inside the minister’s rubber briefs.”
That would be a big, black dildo, of course (we’re talking
about Alabama here, after all), but the dildo wasn’t so much
inside the pastor’s rubberized undies as stuffed up the pastor’s
ass.
Thorington Road Baptist Church has asked that people “refrain
from speculation” about Rev. Aldridge’s demise. I can resist
speculating—the autopsy leaves very little to speculate about,
anyway—but I can’t resist pointing out that Rev. Aldridge
would be alive today if he had indulged his passion for wet
suits, rubber hoods, rubberized underwear, bondage, etc.,
on the streets of San Francisco, California, during the recent
Folsom Street Fair and not home alone in Montgomery, Alabama.
The Folsom Street Fair is an annual pansexual leather/fetish/BDSM
street festival, and this year’s poster featured a parody
of The Last Supper, an iconic image that’s been parodied
hundreds of times to absolutely no protest. But professionally
outraged Catholic hate-monger Bill Donohue dropped a carefully
orchestrated load in his generously proportioned trousers
when he saw Folsom’s poster, and all the right-wing sex haters
quickly piled on. There was a great deal of screaming and
yelling not just about the poster, but also about the “shameless”
perverts cavorting on the streets of San Francisco during
Folsom.
I’m sure a few wet-suit fetishists were at Folsom this year,
as they are every year, along with guys in gas masks and people
in rubberized shorts. And there’s always plenty of hog-tying
goin’ on at Folsom. And guess what? All the pervs at Folsom
survived; so far as I’m aware there has never been a death
at Folsom. So it would seem that the “shameless” perverts
on the streets of San Francisco—men and women who can indulge
their kinks with lovers, buddies, and friends and, yes, on
the streets of San Francisco in front of God and everybody—are
less of a danger to themselves and others than the shameful
perverts in Montgomery.
The moral of this sad story: When it comes to potentially
dangerous kinks, you’re better off—you’re safer—being
shameless. Into wet suits and bondage and gas masks? Great.
Find a buddy and go shamelessly nuts. Because the shameless
don’t just get to enjoy their kinks, they also get to survive
them.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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