think my 5-year-old nephew is probably gay. Most of the reasons
are superficial (he says that Zac Efron is really cute), but
I also have a hunch. If he is gay, it’s cool by me. The problem
is my brother also thinks his son might be gay and he is not
cool with it. He’s “nice” about it, but he has taken to prohibiting
most of the things my nephew loves to do: putting on makeup,
watching and dancing along to musicals with vampy women (like
Chicago), playing dress-up. My nephew can tell that his dad
thinks there is something shameful about his doing these things,
but asks me in the most heartbreaking way if we can do those
things when we’re at my house and not tell his dad.
Question 1: Is it even possible to tell the sexual preference
of a child so young?
Question 2: Is it wrong for me to indulge my nephew even though
my brother (his parent) has told me that he doesn’t want my
nephew doing those things?
1: There’s a 99-percent chance your nephew is gay and a 100-percent
chance that your brother will one day regret his actions.
He’s emotionally abusing his son—and for what? Dress-up or
no dress-up, if his son is gay then he’s going to be gay when
he grows up. Your brother can’t destroy his son’s homosexuality,
only his son’s life.
Answer 2: Your nephew needs an adult in his life who loves
him unconditionally and a space where he can express himself
without fear. So tell him you love him, promise to keep his
secrets, and tell him that his father loves him too and will
come around one day. And yes, AM, lie to your brother—lie
lots. In the grand scheme of things your lies are a misdemeanor;
the emotional violence he’s inflicting on his son is a felony.
Answer 3: You didn’t ask about an extra bedroom, but I wish
you had. Someday—someday soon—your nephew is going to need
a safe place to go when he starts running away from home.
So put together a nice guest bedroom, someplace your nephew
can hide when he’s sick of his father and, with any luck,
over Zac Efron.
Is it possible to move on with a relationship after
In my situation, my fiancé cheated on me and lied about it.
Our phone bill proved that he had been calling this girl,
but he denied it was anything important. Then the girl’s friend
told me he cheated, I confronted him, and he now admits it—though
he says he’s not really sure since he had been drinking far
too much. He doesn’t remember it, he says, but supposes that
it could have happened.
We are talking about going to counseling. But I find myself
resenting him, not trusting him, and scared of having sex
with him. Will I ever be able to stop hating him, ever be
able to trust him, and ever be able to restart a sexual relationship
with him? Sign me . . .
a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
a cheater, not always a cheater. But once a cheater, likelier
to cheat than never a cheater. Duh, right?
But let’s set the cheating issue aside, OACAAC. Are you seriously
going to marry this guy? You caught your fiancé cheating and
the best defense he can come up with is a drinking problem?
Why are you still engaged to someone you can’t trust, won’t
fuck, and feel nothing but hate for? End it.
You’ve talked about guys masturbating with too firm
a grip and doing lasting damage. I’m 21, male, in good shape,
and have been jerking off with a death grip daily since I
was 10. Lately my cock has been failing me. I have trouble
staying hard, especially when wearing a condom. I’ve heard
that the death grip can decrease sensitivity and make it harder
to come, but can it lead to impotence? Is this physical or
am I just psyching myself out?
suspect you’re psyching yourself out, TDG, allowing one or
two failed performances to snowball into a self-fulfilling,
boner-negating prophecy. And here’s how to psych yourself
back in: Stop masturbating with a death grip—immediately,
right now, forever. Masturbate with a lighter touch, use more
lube, and be strict with your dick: If you don’t get off,
you don’t get off. Sooner or later your dick will, out of
sheer desperation, learn to appreciate subtler sensations.
On the condom front: If you’re putting the condom on right
before penetration, as so many dudes do, you’re going to experience
a sudden drop in sensitivity at the worst possible moment.
Condoms are often cold when first applied, TDG, and we all
know what cold does to boners. So put the condom on at least
10 minutes before intercourse. Roll it on your dick during
foreplay, or have your girlfriend roll it on. Treat the condom
like it’s part of the action, not an interruption, then continue
to roll around, eat pussy, play with tits, stroke yourself,
etc., while the latex comes up to body temperature. Then after
you’ve checked to make sure it’s still on, proceed to fuck
And it wouldn’t hurt to beat off wearing a condom now and
then either, TDG.
I read the Smoking Gun story about the minister who
died while hogtied and rubberized, and these details from
the police report puzzle me: “The hands are bound behind the
back. The feet are tied to the hands. There are nylon ligatures
holding these in place with leather straps about the wrists
and ankles. . . ”
There’s self-bondage, Dan, and then there’s self-bondage.
How common is it for people to tie themselves up this thoroughly
and then get loose again, without anyone else in the house?
My Duct Tape Seems So Vanilla
Rev. Gary Aldridge did to himself may sound incredible, but
it’s not impossible. Spend a little quality time on XTube,
SMDTSSV, and you’ll find numerous examples of people—well,
men—engaged in elaborate self-bondage rituals. And seeing
as the authorities in Montgomery, Ala., would have preferred
to pin his death on gay ninja assassins and not on Rev. Aldridge’s
secret solo sex life, I’m satisfied that Aldridge was alone
at the time of his death.
But I’m glad you brought up Rev. Aldridge, SMDTSSV, because
I want to amend something I wrote in last week’s column: “When
it comes to potentially dangerous kinks, you’re better off—you’re
safer—being shameless,” and indulging your kinks with
lovers, buddies, and friends, “[because] the shameless don’t
just get to enjoy their kinks, they also get to survive them.”
The day my column went to print I learned of the death of
Adrian Exley, a shamelessly kinky Brit. Exley traveled to
Boston to play with two other men, also shameless pervs. Unfortunately
for Exley, the men were shamelessly stupid pervs. They left
Exley—wrapped in plastic, bound with duct tape, hooded, with
only a straw to breathe through—alone in a closet overnight,
where Exley asphyxiated. One of the men, Gary LeBlanc, a 48-year-old
Gulf Oil exec, took responsibility for Exley’s death in a
suicide note and then killed himself. Exley’s mother is suing
the other man for wrongful death.
So I should have written, “The shameless don’t just get to
enjoy their kinks, they’re likelier to survive them.”
Never leave a tied-up person alone, kids. It’s dangerous and
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.