neglect generic guy/girl/girl threesomes. My friends talk
about these threesomes all the time, ’cause they’re the “Holy
Grail” of sex for us straight guys. Here are some of our questions:
1. What is up with threesomes?
2. How do I arrange a threesome?
3. How do I get my girl to agree to a threesome, ’cause she
said “No way,” but I still want to experience two girls at
once before I die?
Okay, number three is a real question from me. And here’s
4. Is it OK to cheat to fulfill this need?
Holy Ass Grail
neglected threesomes ’cause they’re about as controversial
as brunch plans for us gay guys, SHAG. What can I say? Gays
are discriminated against, damned to hell, and always seated
next to distant gay relatives at Thanksgiving whom we having
nothing whatsoever in common with save the cocksucking thing.
Then again, we can get out of the army by posting a little
self-made porn to Xtube.com and for every straight couple
out there arguing about threesomes, there are 10 gay couples
So, you’re right. Just because us gay guys can have threesomes
pretty much whenever we like—hey, it was either spit-roast
that distant gay relative or listen to him talk about his
remodel all night long—that doesn’t mean I should neglect
the minefield that is straight three-ways.
are undoubtedly the new ‘Holy Grail’ of sex,” says Vicki Vantoch,
author of The Threesome Handbook: A Practical Guide to
Sleeping with Three (Thunder’s Mouth Press). “Most people
have either had a three-way or thought about it. Yes, even
women. A recent ABC poll ranked threesomes as the most popular
fantasy in America.” (Outside of America, of course, the most
popular fantasy begins with at least one engine falling off
of Air Force One.)
SHAG’s girlfriend is game,” says Vicki, “he has to recruit
a third. He can meet tri-curious women just about everywhere.
(One couple I interviewed gets it on with their kid’s kindergarten
teacher.) But until he masters the three-way pickup, SHAG
might want to try some of the easier meeting spots: internet
personals—including alternative lifestyle personals (www.lifestylelounge.com),
polyamory events/personals (www.polymatchmaker.com), or erotic
And if his girlfriend isn’t game?
exploring threesome fantasies in the bedroom,” advises Vicki.
“If SHAG starts telling his girlfriend about hot three-way
action when she’s really turned on, and he does it often enough,
his girlfriend may develop a positive association between
threesomes and orgasms.” That or she’ll dump your ass—but,
hey, no risk, no getting rimmed and blown at the same time.
“He might also break out some threesome-centric films: think
Summer Lovers or Henry & June. If SHAG paves
the way patiently, his girlfriend might discover her own three-way
Assuming that happens, SHAG, and assuming it happens before
you die of old age, you can now broach the subject outside
the bedroom. “He should bring it up when his relationship
feels solid and satisfying—not when they’re bored or annoyed
with each other,” Vicki adds. “Let her know that she’s in
the driver’s seat: She would make the rules, choose the third,
and you would agree to whatever limits she sets.”
As for cheating, SHAG, Vicki is against it.
is cheating,” she says. “I’m guessing SHAG’s girlfriend wouldn’t
be more forgiving because he cheated on her with two women,
instead of just one.”
My boyfriend and I found a guy who is bi like us and
have played with him a couple of times. But now, when we’re
all hanging out and things start to move in a threesome direction,
he makes an excuse and leaves. How do we get back to the hot
Hot Action Again
your bi third has been suddenly overwhelmed by gay shame or
Catholic guilt,” says Vicki. “Who knows?” Your bi third is
the only one who knows, WHAA, and you’ll have to ask him.
“If you’re going to make threesomes a habit,” says Vicki,
“you’ve got to get comfortable talking about this stuff. Take
him out for coffee and lay it out for him.” And if he isn’t
interested? “Don’t despair,” urges Vicki. “There are plenty
of tri-curious fish in the sea.”
I’ve been with my loving, adventurous, GGG, kind boyfriend
for two years. We’re both in our mid-to-late 20s, but I’ve
had more experience. In the beginning, I was honest about
having been in a few threesomes. He was turned on by the idea
and initially I encouraged him. However, as we became more
emotionally involved, I decided that I couldn’t share him.
When I told him this, we got into a huge fight. He feels that
he’s missing out because we have a good, healthy, loving,
He won’t let the issue go. The most I can honestly tell him
is that, should the circumstances be exactly right, then maybe.
Considering the stars will likely never align themselves,
I feel like his rehashing of the subject just upsets me and
gets us nowhere. How do I effectively tell him that no he’s
not missing out on anything, no I didn’t betray him or lie
to him but justifiably changed my mind, and please, darling,
shut the fuck up.
Obligates Sexual Exclusiveness
your boyfriend he’s not missing out isn’t going to dampen
his enthusiasm,” says Vicki. “Plus, it’s not true—he is missing
out on threesomes, which are popular because they’re hot!”
Threesomes aren’t for everybody, of course, “but if you really
love this guy, it may be worth exploring your threesome-blocking
hang-ups. The idea that you can’t share your boyfriend because
you love him may be something you can’t get over, but some
couples find that having a threesome with someone you love
brings you even closer, if you do it consciously.” So what
does Vicki think you should you do? “Tell your boyfriend that
you understand his desire to have a threesome, but you need
time to figure out if a three-way could work for you. Agree
to revisit the discussion in three months—if he stops pushing.”
Hm. I’ve been right there with Vicki until that last bit of
advice for LOSE. It seems pretty clear that LOSE has no intention
of having a three-way with her boyfriend today, three months
from now, or ever. So telling the boyfriend it might happen
if he could only shut up about it for a while seems a bit
Hey, LOSE? You know who needs to shut the fuck up? You do.
You made your boyfriend a promise, you backed out, and he
has a right to feel misled. For that, you owe him an apology.
Period. Are you obligated to have a three-way now? No, of
course not. But you are obligated to cease misleading him.
So stop feeding him bullshit about planets that you know damn
well aren’t ever going to align. If being with you means never
having a threesome, LOSE, you need to tell him that now so
he can make an informed choice about whether he wants to be
with you at all.
I get a shitload of e-mail from folks—okay, mostly straight
guys—who were promised regular oral, three-ways, bi action,
visits to pro dommes, etc., during courtships only to be told,
once they’d committed, that “love” nullified all those tantalizing
offers. That sexual bait-and-switch bullshit destroys relationships,
LOSE—even good, healthy, loving, stable relationships.
There’s more advice from Vicki for the tri-curious at www.thestranger.com/savage/morethreesomes.
And you can learn more about her book, The Threesome Handbook,
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.