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I’m
a single gay male in my late 20s. I’ve met a guy I really
like. We chat all the time and we’re attracted to each other.
We haven’t yet been sexually active with each other, but we’re
planning to get naked and sweaty (and break out the ropes
and blindfolds) over Christmas break. Why do we have a date
“scheduled” for the sex? Well, because he lives six hours
away and that’s when he’s next coming to visit.
But here’s the “problem”—he happens to be HIV-positive. Before
you start yelling at me for calling his status a problem,
let me elaborate. The problem isn’t that he’s HIV-positive,
per se. The problem is with me. I’ve had sex with poz guys
in the past, but the thing is, I didn’t know it at the time.
I’ve always been safe and sensible and yadda yadda yadda,
and my last HIV test (two months ago) came back negative.
So while I know the risk is no greater with this new guy than
it was with any of the poz guys I’ve slept with before, I’m
still nervous and I’m not sure how I’ll react emotionally
when we go to bed together.
So here’s my question, Dan. Is it fair to him to warn him
that I might feel a little nervous having sex with him despite
the fact that he’s smokin’ hot and we really want to fuck
each other’s brains out? I feel like HIV isn’t supposed to
be a “deal breaker,” and he’s got it and can’t change that
fact, and I’d feel guilty putting another burden on him in
the form of my own insecurities about it. What should I do?
—Neg
Kinkster In The Heartland
Unless HIV has been found to burn fat calories, repair damaged
split ends, and act as a natural male enhancement since the
last time I Googled the virus, NKITH, your friend’s HIV status
is a problem. While HIV infection may not be the fatal illness
it once was (so long as you have access to life-saving drugs,
of course), it’s still no fucking picnic. It’s better to be
neg than it is to be poz—and that’s a fact, NKITH, not a thought
crime.
Presumably you’re aware of this guy’s HIV status in advance
of his visit because he had the decency and the courage to
disclose his HIV status to you. The decent and courageous
thing for you to do now, NKITH, is to disclose your nervousness
to him. Before you break out the ropes and condoms,
NKITH, he needs to acknowledge the risks you’re taking on
when you sleep with him and do all he can to minimize those
risks.
Ask him if he’s being treated. Inquire about his viral load.
Impress on him—in a good-natured, matter-of-fact way—that
you desire to remain negative. Emphasize the importance of
condoms and tell him that you apologize in advance if nerves
get the better of you the first time out. And if you don’t
know this guy well, I’d leave the bondage and blindfolds off
the menu until you’ve established a real sense of trust. And
guess what, kiddo? You can’t establish that kind of trust
during your first face-to-face/ass-to-face/cock-to-ass visit.
And finally, NKITH, you have to accept that you could get
infected even if you do everything right. If you’re going
to have insertive sex with this man (or any man whose HIV
status you’re unaware of)—particularly if you plan to blow
him without a condom or let him fuck you even with one—you
can only minimize your risks, NKITH, not eliminate them. Condoms
break, condoms leak—rarely, if they’re used correctly, but
it does happen. People get infected giving blowjobs—rarely,
again, but it does happen. He shouldn’t sleep with you if
he can’t promise to do his best to keep you negative, NKITH.
But you shouldn’t sleep with him if you can’t promise not
to hold it against him if, even after doing everything right,
you wind up positive.
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I’ve been married to my husband for two years. We’ve
been separated for a year now, as he’s overseas dealing with
family issues. Sex was never a focal point in our relationship
prior to marriage, which was fine by me, since I was abused
as a child and needed to address those issues. But since we’ve
been married, whenever I want to talk about sex, he has become
very evasive. Now he tells me that since he was so sexually
active before meeting me, he feels it is time for him to leave
sex behind. He says he doesn’t even masturbate anymore, and
when I last saw him in March while visiting I noticed that
his penis seems to have shrunk in size.
Can a person become asexual after being so active? Can his
penis atrophy from lack of use? He has (or had) a lovely,
thick, eight-inch beauty. Can atrophy be reversed? Is it low
testosterone?
—Crazy
Ol’ Cock Kisser
There’s
only one thing I know of that can permanently shrink a man’s
dick, COCK, and that’s a course of female hormones in advance
of sex-reassignment surgery. Those ’mones will shrink a soon-to-be-ex-man’s/never-was-a-man’s
junk, destroy his sex drive, make it difficult for him to
maintain erections, and cause his balls and prostate to waste
away. So. . .uh. . .gee. It may not just be sex that your
husband intends to leave behind, COCK, but his sex. Or, hey,
it could be something else. But when someone’s being evasive
and distant—emotionally, physically, and geographically—it’s
usually something big.
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I am a young female currently in a relationship and
I want to be honest with my boyfriend. A few years before
I met my boyfriend, I met someone in my family. I guess he
would be my second cousin. His mother is my father’s first
cousin. Anyway, we met one Christmas at a family get- together
and ended up having sex. Would it be dishonest not to tell
my current or any future lovers this detail about my sex life?
—One
Shameful Secret
You’re not going to make the cut for the U.S. Incest Olympic
Team doing your father’s cousin’s son, OSS. But don’t take
my word for it.
“They
are second cousins,” says K. C. “And second cousins
can marry in every state of the U.S.” K. C. is one of the
editors of Cousin Couples.com, a website that aims to destigmatize
cousin couples whenever and wherever they’re getting their
three-headed-baby freak on. At CousinCouples.com you’ll learn
that your kind can have single-headed babies like everyone
else—and that first cousins can marry in 26 states,
Mexico, Canada, and all of Europe. Seeing as first cousin
marriage is largely legal and second cousin marriage is barely
taboo, OSS, having a one night stand with a second cousin
isn’t anything to be ashamed of.
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Coming next week: What the fuck was I thinking? In last week’s
column, I told Hawt And Royally Depressed to be honest with
his wife. She’d put on a few pounds—a few dozen—and he wasn’t
feeling it anymore. Some readers felt my suggested opening
lines—“You have gotten fat and unattractive and my sex drive
is nil, so can we do something about it before I bail on you?”
“You are out of shape and it’s killing our relationship.”
“Unless you take up jogging and lose 35 pounds, sweetie, I’m
going to have a hard time being sexually excited about you.”—weren’t
helpful. Rereading my advice now, I have to agree: That’s
terrible advice. We’ll have a full accounting in next week’s
column.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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