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I’m
19, female, bisexual, and have been with the same guy for
a year and things are great. I came home for Christmas and
he went to his parents’ house, and I’ll see him in a few weeks.
For Christmas, my mom got me some typical “mom” gifts—socks
and underwear—but the panties had Disney princesses on them.
I feel like a pedophile just owning them! I get it: She doesn’t
like the idea that I might be having sex, especially with
the alarming rate that babies are popping out of teenage girls—but,
come on.
—Holiday
Blues
Even
if Mom was trying to send you a coded message—and I am not
convinced that was her intent—you can turn the lemons of your
mother’s disapproval into the lemonade of a good, safe, responsible
sex life. So Mom is not happy about her daughter being sexually
active—that’s too bad for Mom, right? Show Mom that her fears
were misplaced by making sure you don’t get your 19-year-old
ass knocked up or knocked around.
As for feeling like a pedophile, HB, there’s nothing pedo
about a 19-year-old bi chick in Disney-princess underpants.
A little girl in those panties is innocent and darling. A
sexually active 19-year-old in those panties is ironic and
daring. (A quick poll of straight men—or man, as the sample
size was small—also revealed that 100 percent consider 19-year-old
bisexual girls in Disney panties “sexy as fucking hell.”)
So when your boyfriend eats your pussy through a pair of your
new Disney underpants—when he filters your vaginal secretions
through an image of Jasmine or Ariel or Belle—he will not
only be helping you assert your right to sexual fulfillment
despite your mother’s disapproval, HB, but helping you deconstruct
a patriarchal heteronormative discourse that reifies female
purity and holds up female undergarments as moral status markers.
And when he services your clit, HB, the boyfriend will also
be servicing those princesses. His efforts will transform
them into the fully sexual beings their corporate creators
never intended them to be.
To think your boyfriend can accomplish all of that—and strike
a blow against repressive monarchical systems, too—just by
eating your pussy while you wear your new panties, HB! And
all you have to do is lie back, pull the stick out of your
ass, and enjoy.
I realize Savage Love is a sex-advice column (as evidenced
by much vulgar language), but I’m going to ask anyway.
(1) What is your definition of love?
(2) How do you know if you’re in “love”?
(3) How do you know if they’re the “one”?
—Anonymous
(1)
Love is making out with someone after you’ve blown a load
on his/her face.
(2) You know you’re in love when you’re eating breakfast in
a restaurant together the morning after he/she blew a load
on your face and you suddenly realize that you didn’t wash
your face when you got out of bed that morning and you don’t
care.
(3) You know he/she is the one when he/she realizes that you’ve
just realized that you’re eating breakfast in a restaurant
the morning after he/she blew a load on your face and you
didn’t wash your face when you got out of bed that morning
and he/she smiles, leans over the table, and gives you a kiss.
I am a 27-year-old straight male. My girlfriend and
I are getting serious, but one issue stands between us and
a bright future. It is an issue that literally causes me to
lose sleep and it is starting to become destructive to our
relationship.
I have always been paranoid regarding the size of my penis.
I know from research that, when erect, I am just slightly
to the left of the bell-curve peak. I thought I had learned
to accept this. My renewed feeling of insecurity stems from
a comment my girlfriend made in an attempt to offer me some
reassurance about the size of my genitalia. In an attempt
to alleviate my worries, my girlfriend observed that it sometimes
hurts when a penis is “really huge.” She then let it slip
that her ex-boyfriend of five years was famous in their high
school due to “locker-room gossip.” I remember from high school
that the only boys who were the subject of locker-room gossip
were the ones carrying around a third leg. Further buttressing
my fears, my girlfriend confessed that the only time her ex-boyfriend’s
penis hurt her was after having three or more encounters in
a single day. On a separate note, my girlfriend likes really
hard sex. I have had sex with over 30 women in my life and
I have never run into a girl who likes sex as hard as she
does. The harder I bring it, the more she likes it. (Admittedly,
I like this aspect.) Unfortunately, I fear that I am not satisfying
her due to her having once been accustomed to being roughly
used by a man with a very large penis.
I have more information that I believe contributes to my feeling
that she wants a larger penis, but I would like to keep this
reasonably short as I know you are a busy man. But my final
thoughts are these: She says she is having the best sex of
her life with me. I see two possible explanations for this
assertion on her part: (1) She is telling the truth and really
is having the best sex of her life with me; or (2) she is
not satisfied and is lying to me and eventually our relationship
will break down due to her lack of sexual satisfaction.
If you are still reading this, then you have my sincere appreciation.
All I seek is your blunt, objective opinion, however harsh
it may be.
—Long
Insecure Man Pensive
Oh my God, LIMP, shut up. Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP.
I cut your letter by four-fifths and it’s still fucking interminable.
If you’ve managed to land a girlfriend who can put up with
your florid rhetorical style—you don’t by chance own a comic-book
shop in Springfield, do you?—you should count your blessings
and suck up the angst about the size of your dick.
I’m sorry, LIMP, but if your girlfriend’s assurances about
the quality of your sex life and her preference for average-size
cock isn’t enough to set you at ease, nothing I can say in
this space is going to do the trick. I’m familiar with dudes
like you—insecure bags of slop always harping away about the
size of their dicks—and there’s just no debuttressing your
fears. Even if your girlfriend was a virgin when you met and
yours was the only dick she’d ever laid thighs on, LIMP, you
would still be paranoid. You would send me letters insisting
that your girlfriend could never truly be satisfied with you,
having never experienced the substantially more girthsome
appendages of males lucky enough to be more impressively endowed
blah blah blah.
Stop obsessing about your dick, LIMP. Just stop. Your dick
is your dick and obsessing about size only makes you miserable.
And verbose. If size were all that mattered, Ron Jeremy would
be People’s “Sexiest Man Alive” every fucking year
instead of, you know, those mouse-dicked motherfuckers George
Clooney and Matt Damon and Brad Pitt. If knowing your girlfriend
used to be with a guy who had a huge dick—with him three or
four times a day, for five long, pussy-punishing years—is
more than your fragile ego can handle, do your girlfriend
a favor and dump her now.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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