disregard my previous e-mail. As of the New Year, my girlfriend
is no longer a virgin.
Longer Dating Virgin Girl
gee. Sorry about that, NLDVG.
I’m not sorry that your girlfriend is no longer a virgin,
of course, as virginity is a scourge that I’ve dedicated my
life to stamping out. I’m sorry that I was unable to assist
you. I could fob you off, I suppose, with that dodge favored
by professional advice columnists everywhere: “The volume
of the mail I receive prevents me from answering every letter
I receive blah blah blah.” While it’s true that I receive
more letters than I could ever possibly respond to (if your
question doesn’t appear in the column within three weeks,
people, you’re on your own), that wasn’t the case with your
Fact is, NLDVG, I didn’t answer your question because I was
stumped. I didn’t know what the hell to tell you about the
particular issues you raised in your original letter.
When you write an advice column, gentle readers, it looks
like you have all the answers because you only run questions
for which you have answers. This is as it should and must
be; we advice professionals need people to think we have all
the answers so that they’ll keep sending us their questions.
But this scam has a cruel and unintended consequence: When
we don’t respond to a question, the reader who sent it thinks,
“He/she doesn’t care,” or “He/she is too busy,” or “He/she
thought my question wasn’t interesting.” When the reality
may be that he/she has no fucking clue. And here, to mark
the New Year, are a few other letters that I haven’t answered
for want of a clue.
I’m a guy into she-male porn, and I’ve noticed that
almost all the models in said porn have very tight scrotums.
Like they’re cold. So I’m wondering, what’s the deal? Is it
just the hormones? Or do they employ some kind of pre-shoot
scrotal-tightening technique? A bit of both, perhaps?
Understood Tranny Scrotums
this new pastor at the church I visit. She’s gorgeous, an
athlete, and can read ancient Greek. I’ve managed to get her
to lunch twice, despite her schedule, and I spelled out my
interest explicitly. She seemed receptive, posited that dating
someone in her new congregation could possibly cause issues,
but may go hiking with me this weekend. So what’s the protocol
for dating a smokin’-hot priestess?
Very Good Xian
I am a gay man who has been in a relationship with my partner
for nine years. My lover has always planned on undergoing
a sex change, from male to female. There were money and health
problems, but he’s ready now. I’ve always told him that I
love him, no matter what. Now he’s gotten his breast implants
and I have to admit I am completely weirded out by them. I
feel like a hypocrite, but I don’t know what to do! I’ve never
been with a woman, and I don’t want to be with one now. I
also love my partner intensely. Any advice? I feel like a
jerk! Support him for nine years and then peace out because
Myself And His Breasts
23, straight, and female. I have a fairly ravenous sexual
appetite, and particularly enjoy administering oral sex to
my lucky lovers. Unfortunately, I’ve happened upon (what seems
to be) a unique dilemma. An hour or so after swallowing particular
loads, I get intense stomachaches, quickly transitioning into
intense diarrhea. This only occurs with maybe one in five
men, and seems to be particular to the individual (i.e., if
a man’s loads give me the shits, they always give me the shits;
if a man’s loads don’t give me the shits, they never give
me the shits).
This has never really been too much of a problem for me in
the past—I just didn’t call guys back when it occurred—but
I have started dating a one-in-fiver who is witty, great in
the sack, and gorgeous, and I want to keep seeing him. So
I have a few questions for you: (1) Does this happen to anyone
else? (2) Is it me or is there something wrong with some guys’
semen? (3) Is there any remedy, besides spitting?
wife and I enjoy a vigorous BDSM lifestyle and take part in
some pretty heavy activities. One we haven’t tried but are
anxious to is Tabasco sauce on mucous membranes, e.g., nostrils,
clit, and anal tissues. Our question: What would we use to
cool the burn should the application of Tabasco sauce to her
anus or clit prove to be too much for her to endure?
I’m a gay man living in San Francisco. There are a couple
of guys I’m into. Like an actual couple. I’ve messed around
with each of them separately, and in both cases I was told
to keep it hush-hush because the other didn’t know that he
was being messed around on. My problem is not about their
dishonesty or any of that bullshit. It’s none of my business.
What I really want to know is this: How can I get them both
in the sack at the same time?
To Double Down
a 19-year-old lesbian with the dyke equivalent of the “does
size matter” problem: I have a really short tongue. Is there
anything I can do? Or does “size” really not matter?
years ago, my girlfriend and I made a sex tape. After we broke
up, I continued to watch the video, finding myself more turned
on by the action now that she was out of my life. I started
taking pictures with my digital camera off the television,
and before long I was putting these images of her on the Internet
for others to comment on. The tape is graphic, with clear
shots of her face as she goes down on me, masturbates, and
rides me. I feel terrible—she’s a sweet girl and it wasn’t
a bad breakup—but exposing her has become an uncontrollable
turn-on for me. I can’t bring myself to throw out the tape,
which I feel is the only way I can control this urge. I sound
like an awful person, but I can’t seem to help myself. Your
To Own Penis
sometimes the answer is so obvious—take STOP’s question here.
There is only one possible response: “Throw the tape out,
you fucking piece of lowlife shit.” The damage is already
done—those clips and images will live online forever, and
one day STOP’s ex or her fiancé or her kids or her grandchildren
will find them. And then, if there’s any justice, they’ll
find STOP and cut his balls off.
But what of the other letters in this column? I’m stumped.
Tabasco sauce on the clit? Not into the boyfriend’s new rack?
Is there hope for short-tongued dykes? What’s up with she-male
sacks? And how do you successfully date a Christian minister
who has—let’s face facts—already given your ass the brush-off?
I don’t have answers for these folks. If you do, gentle readers,
send ’em in and we’ll run the mother of all Savage Love Web
extras sometime in the next couple of weeks.
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.