first glance, I am the guy your mother wants you to marry.
Successful, sweet, clean shaven. Below the surface, I am the
guy your mother warned you about: pierced tongue, tattoos,
a ton of kinks. A couple of months ago, I met a woman who
wanted to be a sex slave. We talked about relationship expectations
and because of a few deal breakers (she is older than me,
she has kids from a past marriage, our career goals differ)
we said that this wasn’t going anywhere beyond a temporary
fling. Now she comes to my house a couple of times a week,
puts on lingerie, blows me, does my dishes, blows me, gets
tied up/spanked, picks up my dirty laundry, blows me again,
and then leaves. Needless to say, I am quite happy with the
Now I have met a great woman who I like and am looking to
start a “normal” relationship with (read: still hot kinky
sex, just no need for her to crawl on all fours when she enters
my house, as fun as that is to watch). She has been hurt before
and wants to spend a long time “getting to know each other”
before we move toward anything physical. We have both acknowledged
that we are interested in pursuing a relationship, just not
yet. Given my situation, i.e., all those blowjobs from the
submissive, I have no problems waiting as long as girlfriend
material wants before we start something physical.
My question is on Dom/sub slave etiquette. Assuming things
with this new woman work out, at what point should I break
up with my sub? Should I tell her about the other woman? Should
I tell her in advance we are ending (“Your next visit will
be our last”) or should I just ask her to come over and break
up then (“We both knew this was only going to last so long”)?
Do I help her find a new Dom? This isn’t a regular breakup,
so I’m not really sure how to do it. My sub loves to serve,
so would it be cheating on my next girlfriend if I let her
keep doing domestic tasks for me, but nothing sexual? Should
I tell my next girlfriend that I had a sex slave for a while?
My mother never warned me about guys with piercings, tattoos,
or kinks. My mother did, however, warn me about guys who think
a hidden tattoo or a discreet piercing somehow makes them
more interesting than they actually are. “Those guys are always
douchebags,” my mother used to say. Still does. But, hey,
my mom isn’t the guest expert you need.
fact that you’re having a dominant/submissive relationship
with this older woman is immaterial,” says Mistress Matisse,
a pro Dom, expert flogger, and prolific blogger (mistressma
tisse.blogspot.com). “It’s an intimate sexual relationship,
so forget d/s in your handling of this. It’s clear that you’d
be happy to continue on with them both, at least for a while,
so the question is more polyamory skills than BDSM etiquette.”
So what does Matisse think you should do?
both women exactly what’s going on, immediately,” Matisse
continues. “Your girlfriend-to-be wants to get to know you?
Well, if she can’t handle the fact that you’ve been having
a d/s relationship, you better find that out now. Her response
will certainly give you a clue as to how kinky your future
sex life with her might be. But full disclosure, pronto, is
best. Anyone who has been ‘hurt before’ is apt to be touchy
about discovering perceived dishonesty down the road.”
And what about your sub?
submissive is also deserving of your honesty,” says Matisse.
“She may decide she wants to end your relationship, or she
may be willing to continue in a nonsexual arrangement if that’s
offered her. If you are extremely lucky, your submissive and
your GF-to-be may decide they can coexist in some fashion,
at least for now. God knows I’ve dated men who really needed
someone to pick up after them, and I sure as hell wasn’t going
to do it.”
And how does one properly break up with a submissive, if it
comes to that?
a date with your submissive and respectfully inform her that
you are ending the relationship,” says Matisse. “Wish her
well and say good-bye, no last blowjobs for the road. And
do not offer to find her a new Dominant—trust me, she’ll have
no trouble at all finding another Dominant to accept an arrangement
like the one you’ve described.”
I’m trying to figure out how to do a “Santorum” down
here in New Orleans, where a repulsive state senator named
Steve Scalise is making a bid for the U.S. House of Representatives.
The most recent occupants of this particular seat are Bobby
Jindal, who was just sworn in as our new Republican governor,
and David Vitter, now better known as the diaper wearing,
hooker-lovin’ U.S. sinator. So historically, the First District
is a pretty good stepping stone for ambitious homophobes.
And Scalise (www.stevescalise.com) may be the worst of the
lot. He pushed through an anti–gay-marriage and -civil-union
amendment a few years back, and he’s really playing up his
fag-bashing, fetus- and gun-lovin,’ anti-immigrant cred in
his campaign ads. My question is: What can I do to help derail
this train? I think you deserve a lot of credit for helping
unseat Rick Santorum, and I’d love to see what’s showing up
in Kandiss Crone’s mailbox right about now. But I don’t have
a legion of readers to mobilize. As unappetizing as it sounds,
I’d be willing to give Scalise a sacrifice blowjob if I thought
we could trap him in a men’s room tryst, à la Larry Craig.
Short of that, though, any ideas about what one concerned
citizen can do to help stop this creep?
Unseat Steve Scalise Yesterday
a great many gay-bashing Republicans have turned out to be
closeted homos (Craig, Haggard, Allen, Murphy, et al.), and
whereas spreading rumors of homosexuality is an old Karl Rove
trick that has been used to derail many a political career
(see “Richards, Ann”), and whereas this Scalise person is
a Republican homophobe, and whereas turnabout is fair play,
and whereas you have access to the internets, PUSSY, be it
resolved that you don’t have to give Scalise that sacrifice
blowjob. All you have to do is claim to have blown
this Scalise person—or, more believably, to have been blown
by this Scalise person, as all closeted Republicans are oral
bottoms. Since gay sex is no longer illegal (thank you, Lawrence
v. Texas), I’m not sure if it’s libel or defamation or
anything if you ran around claiming you blew this guy. But
I could be wrong, PUSSY, so please check with your lawyer
before you register www.SteveScaliseSuckedMyDick.com.
Oh, and speaking of Kandiss Crone, lots of Savage Love readers
wrote to the Jackson, Mississippi, teeveenewz reporter about
her idiotic, sex-phobic “sting” of a sex-toy shop, and many
were kind enough to CC me. A sampling of Savage Love readers’
letters to Crone can be found at www.the stranger.com/savage/crone.
In other sex-toys news, last week the U.S. Court of Appeals
for the Fifth Circuit ruled that Texas’s ban on sex toys was
unconstitutional. (The ruling cited Lawrence v. Texas,
a gift that just keeps on giving.) And since Mississippi is
under the Fifth Circuit’s jurisdiction, it would seem that
sex toys—even three-dimensional, vibrating ones—are now legal
in Jackson, Miss. Someone alert Kandiss, please? Kandiss@wlbt.net.
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.